Nordenberg Plot Unraveled

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has done some world-class sleuthing and uncovered a sinister plan by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. It seems that Nordy has been secretly working every angle to destroy Pitt football. Through our various contacts, we've learned that Nordy began this program the minute he wrestled the leadership position away from J. Dennis O'Connor in 1996`.

We caught up with Nordy as he was coming home from clubbing baby seals. "Yes, it's all true. You've caught me. And I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids. It was such a beautiful plan. It started with the hiring of Athletic Director, Steve Pederson. I told him to piss off everyone he could find. He hired and old, retarded, quick-kicking moron of a football coach. He changed the colors and uniforms. He changed the name of the school. Hell, he even tore down the gat-damned stadium! But the fans kept coming. They wouldn't go away."

The truly fascinating plan continues. "In 2001, I convinced Wlat to go to the spread. In 2002, I contacted John Swofford, the ACC Commissioner. I literally destroyed the conference, trying to get rid of this terrible program. But they still kept coming. I knew I had to do something drastic. I hired a totally retarded, worthless assbag as AD, Jeff Long. After 2004's Fiesta Bowl, I realized that Wlat wasn't going to keep up his end of the bargain so I canned him. I got the only guy that I knew could fail: Dave Wannstedt. The Pitt fans would think if he couldn't do it, then nobody could."

We asked Nordy if he thought the plan was working. "We play Navy next Wednesday. That's right, Wednesday. And we'll have less than 10K there. So you tell me."

Asked about his motivation, Nordy elaborated. "Pitt football gets attention around here. More attention than me when we're winning. I can't have that. At one point back in 1997, I was a new Chancellor riding high. And then there's a bowl game and no one gave a shit about me. Hell, I rape babies trying to get attention but all anyone wants to talk about is the football recruits and Joe Del Sardo's Ipods. What was I supposed to do?"

At that point, we consoled Nordy by getting a WVU graduate to lick his taint.

This just in...

Charlottsville - UVA just scored again. That is all.

Exclusive: First official applicant for Cosmo's Kids!*

*see earlier post

Pittsburgh (PA) - In a Panther Rants exclusive, an unnamed source sent us a full-color fax of the first-ever filled-out application for Anthony Morelli's football camp, and the applicant himself is none other than Pitt football head coach Dave Wannstedt! Take a look at the application that Wannstedt himself filled out:

We at Panther Rants surmise that, following yet another humiliating drubbing, Coach Wannstedt felt it necessary to shake things up a bit by getting some pointers from someone who is smarter than he is. Good luck in this endeavor, coach!

Panther Rants speaks for Pitt fans everywhere when we say:

Not even halfway through the first quarter....

...and Pitt looks completely done. I think the following image succintly sums up Dave Wannstedt as head coach.

Anthony Morelli to form youth football camp

State College - Panther Rants has recently learned that Penn State starting QB/turnover machine Anthony Morelli has decided to start his own football camp. The camp, meant to encourage children with special needs, will be hosted by Mr. Morelli himself, who had this to say:

"It'll be nice to be surrounded by kids who have to struggle every day, kids who are more up to my kind of speed in football. Not that being surrounded by Jay Paterno, Galen Hall, and Joe Paterno isn't similar to being surrounded by a bunch of special needs kids, but I digest."

Panther Rants managed to get a copy of the sign-up form for the camp as well:

Stay tuned to Panther Rants for further updates on this wonderful story of selflessness.

Good news! Wanny isnt anywhere near the dumbest coach

No, that honor goes to Texas A&Bonfire head coach Dennis Franchione. Fran was apparently running his own version of Aggie Rants, and charging rich bitch cock slap boosters $100 a month for the information. Here's the Associated Press story and the link on ESPN.com. We've added our comments in bold.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3040891

DALLAS -- Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione said he has stopped selling inside information on the Aggies in a newsletter to boosters who paid $1,200 per year in subscription fees that helped finance the coach's personal Web site.

About a dozen elite boosters subscribed for the past three years to the e-mail newsletter, called "VIP Connection." It offered Franchione's candid assessments of players and specific injury information, details Franchione routinely declined to discuss publicly because, he would say, it is not "our policy" to disclose injuries.

Franchione made subscribers sign a confidentiality agreement and said he doesn't believe any of the inside information was used for gambling, the San Antonio Express-News reported Friday after obtaining a copy of the newsletter through a "third-party source."

"We asked them to sign something," Franchione told the newspaper. "And for them not to do that. Most of these people are tremendously loyal Aggies."

"Psychos" would be a better word for that cult, Dennis. They march a fake army around, say thinks like "gig 'em, gig 'em, whoop," as if it matters and, prior to it killing 11 people, built a 12-story bonfire. Why? Because they could. Texas A&M people are so strange that they make Penn State fans appear normal.

Athletics Director Bill Byrne released a statement Friday saying he was first made aware of the newsletter by a reporter two weeks ago.
"When I saw a copy of an email, I called Coach Fran and recommended this program be discontinued," Byrne said. "I understand he stopped at that time."

In the same statement, Franchione said the e-mail list began when a group of 12 to 15 boosters participated in a Kickoff Camp that raised money for the school band, the library and the booster club. The newsletter, he said, "came about as an extension of trying to keep some dedicated and loyal fans updated throughout the year on the football program."

Why do rich trouser stains need to be kept up to date on anything? This isn't a business and they're aren't shareholders. Here's how it works: the athletic department runs the day-to-day operations and you write checks and the boast about how big those checks are.

"There was no intent to deceive anyone," Franchione said. "I thought this was another avenue of trying to keep some of our top donors informed about our football program."

See previous statement

The newsletter was written by Mike McKenzie, Franchione's personal assistant. The two denied benefiting financially from the newsletter.

In one newsletter, McKenzie wrote about six players being unavailable to play against Montana State and listed their specific injuries. A seventh player was "iffy" because he had not fully recovered from a mild concussion, according to the newsletter.

The Texas A&M players mentioned by name in the newsletter had authorized the school to release information on their injury status, said Alan Cannon, an athletics department spokesman.

McKenzie also wrote about Franchione's assessment of the Aggies' wide receivers.
"Privately, Coach told me last night that Earvin [Taylor] and Pierre [Brown] are very steady but with average speed," McKenzie wrote. "Kerry [Franks] has great speed, but [is] inconsistent in receiving."

McKenzie, who worked for Franchione at his previous coaching stops at Alabama and TCU, is listed on the A&M staff directory as a "special assistant to the athletic director." His newsletter duties were done on his own time, Cannon said. (Yeah, and I never work on this blog at work either.)

Franchione, who makes about $2 million per year in a contract that runs through 2011, is 28-24 since taking over at Texas A&M in 2003. He has received harsh criticism from the program's ardent fans since the team's 34-17 loss last week at Miami.

A spokesman for the university did not respond to attempts by The Associated Press to reach top university administrators for comment.

Here's where it gets fun.
The boosters' money went to the company that operates Franchione's personal Web site, coachfran.com, Franchione said. The boosters will receive refunds, he said. (So, 12 to 15 people were paying $100 a month for the past THREE YEARS and no one gained financially? It costs Fran $14,000 a year and $42,000 over three years to run his website? I highly doubt that. )

NCAA rules require coaches to report to the school any "athletically related income and benefits from sources outside the institution." It was unclear Friday if Franchione had done so, or would be required to if all the boosters' subscription fees went to the Web site company.

Grant Teaff, executive director of the American Football Coaches Association, said there's nothing in his organization's code of ethics about writing newsletters to boosters. NCAA rules are explicit about reporting outside income and proper dealings with boosters, he said.

"I think every athletic director and head coach is very aware and clear of those concerns and issues," Teaff said.

Wake Forest coach Jim Grobe, the head of the coaches association's ethics committee, said it would be inappropriate for him to comment unless it were clear a coach had broken rules.
"An investigation would need to take place first before the ethics committee would be involved," Grobe said through a spokesman.

Many college coaches have personal Web sites and some offer inside information to those who pay for it. Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer offers a "Coach's Club" membership for $39.95 per year that promises "the best, up-to-date, daily practice and injury reports straight from Coach Beamer, right off the practice fields."

The good news is that Wannstedt will never have a newsletter like this because there's very little new that goes on around here. What's he gonna' tell boosters? That he's plans on playing the base defense AGAIN and trying to establish a run game with no line? We know this already. We've watched it for three years. I'm not paying $100 for that.

And Pitt people are so cheap that if they paid $100 they'd demand to get the newsletter and at least $60 in Val-Pak coupons in return.

Ode to the Virginia Game

Sung to the tune of an abbreviated "Tonight"

“Virginia’s gonna have its way tonight.”
“Chris Long is gonna have his way tonight.”

The Pittsburgh Panthers grumble, “No chance.”
But when it comes to gametime
They shit in their pants.

“Virginia’s gonna slaughter Pitt, tonight.”
“They’re gonna cut’em down to size, tonight.”

Wanny’s team’s in trouble,
They’ll lose.
Stuck deep inside his bubble,
Pitt fans'll hit the booze
Tonight.

The Cavs are gonna rock it tonight
They’re gonna jazz it up and have’em a ball!
They’re gonna deal it tonight!
The quicker Pitt gives up the easier they’ll fall!
Tonight.

Wlat. The Magazine.: Production halted

Panther Rants is deeply sorry to inform our beloved readers that production on Wlat. The Magazine. has been indefinitely halted. As evidenced by our embracing He Who Went To Bowls, we do not feel that it is at all fitting or proper that the magazine should continue production at this time. Above is a preliminary cover of what would have been the first - and is now perhaps the last - issue of the magazine, unfettered by quality, production design, or slickness. Our sorrow over halting its production is revealed in the remarkable visage of He Who Went To Bowls, and he undoubtedly shares our grief at the end, before its beginning, of what promised to be a truly remarkable periodical.

Do not entirely despair, dear readers: it is entirely likely that a new magazine will be created shortly. Entitled "Wanny: Hometown Guys are the Best!," it will delve into only the most serious issues that surround Pitt's football program, focus in-depth on Dave Wannstedt's incredibly difficult task of making Pitt relevant again, and also be made of material that doubles as and has the consistency of toilet paper (generic toilet paper, not that expensive stuff).

(He Who Went To Bowls) Picks - Sept. 28

What's this I see? My name is actually spelled properly?

Actually, we didn't spell your name at all.

Whatever. Looks like I'm gonna finally start to get some respect around here. Those five bowls don't seem so mediocre and shitty now, do they? Remember those three straight wins against Virginia Tech? Yeah, well, you've now lost three out of four to UConn. And you're on the verge of losing three straight to Louisville and West Virginia. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that I never lost three straight to WVU.

But that's enough gloating....for today. Lets get on with the picks.




No. 5 West Virginia (minus 7) at No. 18 South Florida.
Make sure ya tune in tonight becuse you're gonna witness the official arrival of USF as a program. Raymond James is sold out for tonight's clasf top 25 teams. Part of that is because is because South Florida has finally caught on in Tampa. The other part is because this should be a good game. The Bulls proved last year that they have the rush D to shut down Pat White and Slaton. I think this game comes down to whatever quarterback can throw the ball better. And Groethe has looked good so far this year. BULLS 28-24.


No. 6 California (plus 5 1/2) at No. 11 Oregon Ducks’
Both of these teams have come out on fire to open the season. However, Oregon is always tough in Autzen Stadium and Cal is good for one bitch up game a year. DUCKS 41-28.

No. 1 Southern California (minus 20 1/2) at Washington
Trojans have won five straight against Huskies. However, the Huskies have slowly been improving under Ty WIllingham and the game is in Seattle. Ty's due for a signature win. For starters, he's been there three years. Secondly, imagine how badly it would piss off Notre Dame fans to se WIllingham upset USC, something he was a couple of plays away from doing last year? HUSKIES 35-33

Pitt (+6) vs. UVA
These are two teams going in completely opposite directions. Virginia's hasnt looked dominating but they've won three straight after dropping their opener against Wyoming. Pitt looks more lost than I did on the sidelines during the spread offense debacle. Add in the fact that Pitt is starting a raw quarterback and freshman running back and this has the makings for a rough evening. CAVALIERS 28-14.

And Lastly, just to rub it in a little more...

Ranteria!

Penn State-Michigan “Rivalry” Dead?

Panther Rants has learned of rumors coming out of Happy Valley that Joe Paterno is petitioning the Big Ten Conference to get Michigan off their schedule. Although it would be impossible since Michigan is in their conference, Penn State feels they wouldn’t beat Michigan even if Dave Wannstedt were the coach. The Big Ten is trying to resolve this issue and here what proposals are on the table:

1. A seven game conference schedule. It would allow an extra out of conference game and there would be two Big Ten teams you wouldn’t have to play
2. A nine game conference schedule, but you get to play the same opponent twice. This may not be probable because there would be a fight over who plays Indiana twice.
3. Penn State-Michigan series resumes, but Penn State gets two officials from Pennsylvania for every one official from Michigan.

Right now, both sides have not reached an agreement and this could go on until the off season.

Pitt Makes Changes on Offensive Line

Pitt’s offensive line has been hampered by poor blocking, holding calls, and false starts. This issue has been a mystery since…well we would have to go way back in time. The coaches held a meeting on Wednesday and made some personnel changes to reflect a new way of blocking. Paul Dunn would not comment on the situation, but sent us a photo as a hint of what we may see either this Saturday or upcoming later in the season:

Pitt would be using the Oompa Loompas to block for Pat Bostick and Shady McCoy. Right now they are a work in progress as the staff is trying to get them to quit singing a song after the quarterback is left laying on his back. We can only imagine what they’re singing.

Oompa Loompa
Do bitty Dooo
I’ve got another puzzle for you….
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.

What do get when run the wildcat?
It just means your quarterback can’t pass.
Why not play the top heralded recruit?
Or are you just playing to lose?

You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no
You’ll get no Blue Bonnet Bowl.

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you can coach you will go far.
You will be BCS Champions too,
Like the Oompah
Oompah Loompah doompadee doo

Louisville Junks the Droids

The grand experiment is over. After the Cardinals’ lost to Syracuse this past Saturday, the droids were shipped off to the Elderon system. Even they couldn’t solve Louisville’s defensive woes as Andrew Robinson had the game of his life. So what’s next for their defense that is making Pitt’s 2003 defense look like the Steel Curtain? Head Coach Steve Kragthorpe made this telepathic statement:

“The offense is going to play iron man football. They seem to put up a lot of points on offense. I have a feeling they can help us on defense. I mean it’s worth a try, isn’t it? What else do we have to lose? I guess you can say we forgot to address the defense before the season began. Actually, it must have been that weed Willie Williams was feeding us. I mean it was some really good stuff. The defense looked so bad before the season that we all had to be high just to watch them play. Hell, I wonder if Willie will leave us some since he’s leaving now.”

West Virginia’s New Strategy

West Virginia is already getting their game plan ready for the Backyard Brawl. Sensing his team may go into the triple digits against Pitt, Mountaineers head Coach Rich Rodriguez plans to run Owen Schmidt on every single play from scrimmage. This will cut down on the points and yards making the game quick and painless. On defense, they plan to use only ten defenders instead of eleven if the Big East will allow it. Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt applauded the move and mentioned he may punt on every first down to make it fair.

Pitt-UVA Preview

Pantherrants Home Office - The Pitt Panthers are prepared to take on the University of Virginia Cavaliers Saturday night. Let's break down the game.

Pitt Offense vs. UVA Defense: Pitt will start it's 3rd quarterback of the season with Pat Bostick. Stalwart OT Jason Pinkston is out. He's the latest Pitt player to come down with the rare season-ending hangnail. Pitt players seem to go down faster than UVA QB, Christian Olsen, at a Duran Duran concert. The point is Pitt's OL stinks, the QB has never started, and the WR's have the dropsies like an old person's anus. UVA's defense is sorta good, sorta not good. They can't stop McCoy, but Matt Cavanaugh certainly can. Advantage: UVA.

UVA Offense vs. Pitt Defense: Pitt's defense has been decent this year. However, they can't force a turnover to save their lives. Brick-hands abound in the secondary and the LB's have no use for trying to knock the ball loose. UVA's offense gained a staggering 3 points against Wyoming. Advantage: push.

Mascots: Pitt has the panthers. A panther is a fearsome predator that is happy to rip out your guts and show them to you as it eats your face. I don't know what a Cavalier is. It looks and sounds totally gay, just like Christian Olsen. If it walks like a duck... Advantage: Pitt.

History: Pitt owns a 3-1 advantage. By our calculation, that means if these 2 teams play 100 times, Pitt would win like 95 times or something like that. Also, Pitt has won 9 national championships and had 10,000 all-americans, despite 2-time team MVP Dan Stephens getting screwed out of that status back in 2003 and 2004. UVA's history consists of 2 co-conference championships ever. They hired some slap from the NFL as their head coach and have been basically mediocre for as long as we can remember. Essentially, they're Pitt just further south, only withouth the good teams in the 30's. However, we've got Ditka, Dorsett, Marino, May, Curtis Martin, Sadiq Durham, and John Ryan. They've got Herman Moore. Advantage: Pitt.

X-Factor: Pitt likes playing at night. They win almost half the time at night, on the road, on the east coast, south of the mason-dixon line, in September, on national tv, with slightly warmer than average temperature, in odd numbered years, while the starting quarterback's girlfriend is menstruating. Conversely, UVA's starting quarterback himself is menstruating and lactating at the same time. It's a medical first, which Professor Trelawney insists is a dark omen. Advantage: Pitt.

Conclusion: This will be a game in which the teams will both try to win the game. As crazy as this sounds, it doesn't really happen that much with Pitt or UVA. Therefore, the winner will be who whoever wants it less. Al Grohe is a dumbass and we can't imagine him going to 4-1. Strike that - the ACC sucks and no team is going 4-1, even against Pitt. The lord God almighty will rain his glory down upon the mighty Panthers and guide them to a 24-16 victory. Lesean McCoy will rush for over 200 yards for the first time. UVA pompous dickwads will sip champagne and for some reason act as if wearing a tie to a football game makes them look cool. JCREW will be on-hand making sales off all the dumbasses they can find.

Elephant Man to sue Charlie Weis over moniker mishap

South Bend – In a move sure to surprise dozens, the infamous Elephant Man of Elephant Man fame is reaching from beyond the grave to sue resident Notre Dame head coach and noted Wendy’s classic triple cheeseburger lover, Charlie Weis, over the use of what the Elephant Man believes is a description that should belong solely to him. “It’s hideously cruel that Charlie Weis is known as an elephant,” lamented the misshapen ghoul to Panther Rants through a medium. “I was the Elephant Man, and people identified me immediately when those words were spoken…but now , when people hear ‘Elephant Man,’ they immediately think of Charlie Weis.”

Weis, whose football team is so horrendously bad that Ku Klux Klan Irish Lion Fans (KKKILF), a Notre Dame/Penn State tailgating group, is petitioning the university to do whatever it can to reinstall Ty Willingham. “We’s wants hims back heres,” the leader of the group, Adolf von Billy Ray Joseph Mussolitler III, told Panther Rants through a Dixie translator. “We’s don’ care ifs he’s from Japania or even Boston, we’s just want our school to haves some digtitty back!”

Weis himself was unavailable for comment. We assume that he was at a triple cheeseburger buffet.

The Elephant Man, for his part, is seeking a $40 million dollar compensation for the perceived hit to his image. “There are plenty of nicknames out there for men of Charlie Weis’ girth!” crowed the deformed one. “For instance, Charles in Lard! Or what about Blimpo, the human blimp? With the Elephant Man referring to Mr. Weis, I lose royalties! The women in the afterlife now scorn me! Before, I was the freakiest freak in all the land! But now even Marilyn Monroe thinks she’s too good for me, and she boffed three Kennedys – John, Bobby, and Lorenzo, their delinquent Protestant brother! Without my sobriquet as the Elephant Man, I’m just another random heavenly mutant! People keep mistaking me for a Chernobyl baby! It’s inexcusable! Even calling that man Jabba the Coach, over-obvious as it is, is surely preferable to besmirching my good name!”

Panther Rants attempted to reach Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine, but our calls were ignored; most likely because neither Jabba the Hutt nor Tatooine actually exist.

Stay tuned to Panther Rants for updates on the Elephant Man’s (Elephant Man) lawsuit of the Elephant Man (Charlie Weis).

Pitt Narrows AD Search

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has received inside information on the progress of finding Pitt's new Athletic Director. The list has been trimmed down to a Lee_Corso's_Rental_Car svelt-like number of 5. Let's review the candidates and do some handicapping (for entertainment purposes only).

1. Donna Sanft: Donna is the interim AD, replacing outgoing AD, Jeff Long. Donna is a Pitt stalwart. She was on-campus when George Washington came around these parts quelling the Whiskey Rebellion. She's the ultimate insider, having graduated, coached, and administrated at Pitt. To sum it up, she's the ultimate yes-man/person/woman/whatever. She'll rubber stamp whatever Chancellor Nordenstalin and Jerry Cochrane-Castro wants. Therefore, probability of her turning Pitt into a power and cleaning things up: 5%. Probability of getting the jahb: 99%.

2. Chas Bonasorte: Former Pitt scrub football player has been selling knock-off garbage products such as Nikey, Adeedos, and Cawnverse Pitt gear on the streets of Oakland for years. The guy never met a problem that a squad of hitmen couldn't solve. Frankly, we love the guy. There's something about mobile retail operations that excites us here at Pantherrants. Just think of the money the Pitt Shop would save on lease space. Also, his strong arm tactics would guarantee a future Pitt-PSU series with Pitt getting 80% of the games at home, which is the way it should be. Probability of doing a good job: 60%. Probability of getting the job: 5%.

3. Marc Boehm: Marc was the interim AD back in 03 (or whatever) after Pederson took off for the motherland of Nebraska. All he did was hire the two most successful basketball (men's and women's) coaches in Pitt history. He was able to navigate the turbulent times of the Big East reorganization. Simply, he is smart, knowledgeable, understands the University, and brings a much needed outsider's perspective. Probability of doing a good jawb: 75%. Probability of getting the jawb: less than Wannstedt coming up with a decent gameplan.

4. Mark Rauterkus: Mark is Pittsburgh's greatest son and worst father. He is constantly campaigning for any number of ridiculous government positions while railing against government. So why shouldn't he run for Pitt AD? No reason. This slap is all over town yammering about kooky garbage while forgetting to spend time with his kids and give his wife the old wink-wink nudge-nudge. He's crazy, incompetent, and bizarre (not to the point of schizo guy walking down the straight but close). To be honest, we're rooting for him solely for the entertainment value. Probability of doing well: less than Darrel Strong catching a pass. Likelihood of getting the job: less than Matt Cavanaugh's level of happiness to be coaching college football.

5. Bag of Dicks: The bag of dicks is what it is. It's an enigma: everyone wants to see a bag of dicks but everyone looks away when a bag of dicks comes walking down the street. The bag of dicks would do nothing at all. The status quo would continue. Nordenstalin would control everything while the bag of dicks would hang out at sorority houses and the Cricket Club. However, the bag of dicks would certainly pull skanks away from Wlat Harris (aka: he who goes to bowl games). Some booster's wives wouldn't know what to do. Neither do we. All we can say for certain is that Donna Sanft never met a bag of dicks she didn't like. Probability of bag of dicks being successful: 50-50. Probability of bag of dicks getting the job: 50-50.

Panther Rants Presents "The Truth: Virginia"

Rhoads, "Ehh, to hell with it."

In an exclusive and rare moment after Tuesday’s practice, University of Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Paul Rhoads admitted that maybe the base defense isn’t working against opposing teams.

And he really doesn’t care.

“Look,” Rhoads said in an exclusive telepathic interview while walking to his Lee Majors brown Fall Guy truck after practice, “you work for a company, right? You have a guy at your office that just fucks off on the internet all day and does the bare minimum? Well, I’m that guy here.”

Furthermore, Rhoads offers no apology for his approach to his job or the team. He believes that the staff is similar to a typical office and the different personalities that mesh and that he adds balance to the staff. For every motivated employee there’s the guy who takes a two hour lunch and follows it with a 20 minute shit.

“Not everyone can be the go-getter type in the office. And who wants to be around a whole group of those assholes anyways?” Rhoads said. “We used to have staff meetings at my old job, and every day the boss would come in and say, ‘what are YOU gonna’ do today to make this place better?’ All these guys are stressing about what they’re gonna’ say and I just said, ‘I’m gonna call my wife for about an hour, then I’m gonna’ read the paper online, and then I’m going to lunch.’ I mean, what do I care if this company gets better? Doesn’t line my pockets in the least. To hell with ‘em.”

With the 3-1 Virginia Cavaliers on the schedule next he feels no need to alter his methods of working with the team or developing strategies. In fact, Rhoads talked about sneaking off and taking a nap at Wednesday’s practice. When asked how Rhoads defends his laissez faire attitude towards coaching he immediately pointed to his trademark jump after key defensive stops.

“Look, doesn’t jumping count for anything around here? Look at our coaching staff; it’s a collection of stiffs. (Head coach Dave) Wannstedt stares at the field like it’s a double-breaker downhill putt. Cavanaugh? Is he even awake? At least I show some emotion out there and give the impression that I’m trying really hard,” Rhodes said.

One thing Rhoads isn’t trying hard to do is pay attention to what is being said in the media and on internet message boards about him. He said that he never reads the papers and rarely turns on talk radio. He said he’ll worry about perceptions when he hears about it from the administration.

“Ehh, whaddya’ gonna do? If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, they’ll replace me, I’m not gonna’ lose sleep over it,” he said.

Panthers bring in specialist to help team

Pittsburgh - In a statement released by the University of Pittsburgh athletic department, Pitt football coach Dave Wannstedt confirmed reports that he had brought in a voodoo witch doctor to break the hex which currently hovers over the program like the grim spectre of death.

"The football program, recognizing the unique situation under which it has operated since my hiring, understands the fans want a winner. And to facilitate that demand, we have now decided to take extraordinary measures to break this hex by inviting Papa Shango to work his nefarious magicks in opposition of whatever afflicts this football program."

Papa Shango, whose real name is Charles Wright, had this to say on the matter via a telepathic interview with Panther Rants: "Look, I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I'm a friggin' former wrestler. I run a strip joint. But when this Wannstedt bozo called me up and said, 'Papa, we need your help, and we'll pay well for it' in that strange Pittsburgh accent of his, I was like, 'Yo man, whatever you need, just give me straight up Benjamins, you know what I'm saying?' I'm just gonna put on some white makeup and use a fog machine, then I'm gone."

Panther Rants then managed to contact the Pitt athletic department to confirm if they do, indeed, realize that Papa Shango is nothing more than an outdated wrestling character from the mid-1990's. "What?" interim AD Donna Sanft exclaimed when she heard this. "I okayed a 60,000 dollar payout to someone who doesn't even exist? Well, it's a good thing we have backups on our list. All of our players have converted to Islam, so we'll bring in Kama Mustafa to preach to them. And if that doesn't work, we'll go after that Godfather guy - Dave assures me that his ho's could help relieve some stress amongst our players, just so long as they don't beat up on them afterwards."

Co-Worker: “Back When I Was at UVa. . .”

Williamsport, PA --- Despite having the same job and station in life as his co-workers who attended various state schools, Attorney Horace Whiffletree constantly references his college experience as “Back when I was at UVa . . . “

Whiffletree, who continues to contribute a large portion of his take home pay for his exorbitant student loans that his similarly situated co-employees have long paid off, takes great pains to mention that he went to the University of Virginia at every opportunity. “Back when I was at UVa, we would often have bacon available at the breakfast bar in the Uva cafeteria,” gloated Whiffletree when his co-workers were reminiscing about college life. “In fact, at UVa, we had this tradition at UVa that we would have these plastic trays where we would place our food while walking through the UVa cafeteria line.” When the conversation veered to home improvement projects, Whiffletree chimed in that “When I was at UVa, my fraternity volunteered for Habitat for Humanity for a morning. That is the kind of stuff we did at UVa.”

Whiffletree’s co-workers expressed puzzlement over his ad naseum comments about attending the University of Virginia. “Except when we discuss the weekend sports games, no one has asked me where I went to college for 10 years or so. It is such a complete non-issue after you get your first job. Even the guys here who actually went to top notch Ivy Leagues school don’t bring it up. I guess it goes with the territory, though, of someone who still has “National Junior Honor Society” listed on his resume,” said Whiffletree’s co-worker Diane Gamberind.

That is not to say that Whiffletree’s comments are without benefit to the firm culture. To the contrary, the constant references to UVa provide much fodder for office jokes. “Back when I was at Lehigh Parkway Elementary School, we had special pencil boxes with our names written on masking tape”, joked one co-worker. “When I was at Williamsport High, we would attend football games and drink hot cocoa if the weather got chilly. Bully for us!!!” mocked another.

When asked about his UVa references for this story, Whiffletree was non-plussed. “I don’t see what the big deal is. When I go back for Homecoming at UVa, everyone mentions how they went to UVa. Isn’t that what people do?” Whiffletree commented that is returning to campus this weekend to see the Cavaliers take on the Pitt Panthers. “It should be great fun. The crowd really gets into the game. We have this cheer where one half of the stadium yells “We attended” and the other half responds “U-VA!!!” Everyone is quite impressed after that.”

Dave Wannstedt Press Conference

Dave Wannstedt held his weekly press conference where he talked about the loss against Connecticut and the upcoming game against UVA. Panther Rants was there to catch the press conference at the Garage Door Saloon where we telepathically did a recap of what was said. Here is a look at what the ‘Stache had to say:

On the loss to Connecticut:

It was one of those games where we got off to a slow start, but we finished strong. Not everything went according to plan. On defense, our plan was let UConn jump to a 27-7 lead early in the game. We figured by doing so, the team would wear itself out and then we could take advantage of it. Sadly, we didn’t do that. That is on me and the rest of the staff to get these kids prepared for a game plan like this. We did see a lot of positives. We held them to seven points in the second half and our freshman quarterback (Bostick) completed more passes than our other quarterback. Last year they scored 46 points on us. They didn’t score that amount this time around.

On the offense:

Well, we decided to keep the same game plan as last week. We didn’t think they would adjust to it because of the Wildcat offense, but I tip my hats to Coach Edsall and the staff. We did make some changes like having Larod run that offense instead of the McCoy kid. Larod has been here longer, and he should get most of the responsibility because of that. He’s from a steel town like me and that speaks volumes. Kevan started the game and I figured he’d pick up where he left off and he did. I was in denial of it at the time, but I figured we should give Pat a chance. He did a good job and led us to tie the Huskies in the second half.

Why McCoy didn’t see more carries:

I watched the game film of him this season so far and I compared to Curtis Martin’s. Curtis was a good talent and was hurt most of his time here. Some felt he did this on purpose because those Pitt teams sucked so badly and he didn’t feel like getting killed out there on every play. We’ve decided to do the same with LeSean except he doesn’t have to fake being hurt. Instead, we’re just going throw Larod to the wolves. After all, he’s been getting chewed up by having a bad offensive line to run behind his whole career. He’s used to it. Let him do it. I’m doing the same with the rest of the upperclassman. It’s punishment for the last two years.

The game against Virginia:

Things should be different this time around. Pat will be starting at quarterback. If that doesn’t work out, we’ll put out on ad in the classifieds for someone who can throw a football well. It may not have worked with finding a kickoff specialist, but who the hell kicks a football around these days? I mean I remember when Bill Cowher told me that a kicker is not even a football player. He’s just a geek who goes out with a bunch of hot chicks and then they go home with other players on the team. I mean have you ever seen that music video “The Lonesome Kicker” by Adam Sandler? That is very true when watching that. Other than that, I will be coaching against Al Groh whose team has had their ups and downs with him at head coach. I mean they’ve taken a backseat to Virginia Tech since they joined the ACC. I know we beat them last year, but this year might be different. We’re going to use the same game plan again to challenge our players. I just hope they are up to it. If not, we have may to rethink our strategy and actually win a game.

Thoughts on the rest of the season:

Well, you guys, you clearly got the big picture here. I was about to say I’m sure there are some disappointed people here. You know what? You know something? If you had told us 6 months ago that we would allow only 34 points to UConn, we would have given anything for that. And you know something? Not only are we going to Charlottesville, Jerry Cochran. We’re going to beat Navy and Rutgers and Cincinnati. WE’RE GOING TO BEAT LOUISVILLE, SYRACUSE, AND SOUTH FLORIDA. THEN WE’RE GOING TO WEST VIRGINIA TO WIN THE BIG EAST CHAMPIONSHIP! YEEAAAAAH!!!!!!

Pitt Announces Union Partnership

Pittsburgh - Pitt football announced a first of it's kind partnership between a university football team and labor unions. "There has been such a lack of focus on loyalty, following orders, and doing things by the rules in college football. Most coaches are interested only in on the field athletic performance. But getting results is such a small part of success, as my friends at AFSCME, UAW, and the Teamsters can attest. Therefore, we are partnering with these fine organizations."

AFSCME President, Gerald McEntee, further commented. "These great college football players have been pushed around for too long. No one has stood up for their rights, until now. We applaud Coach Wannsted and stand by him."

Wannstedt announced further personnel changes for Pitt football. "Larod Stephens-Howling, somee of the receivers, McKillop, and Kevan Smith are all getting the nod over the younger guys. Yeah, we could probably win this week with the younger talent. But they have to pay their dues; and I mean that figuratively and literally."

Young phenom tight end Nate Byham was asked for comment by Pantherrants. "Darrel Strong has been here like 10 years but he's a prick with hands so bad that can't even keep his dick in his hands correctly. I guess he deserves to play. However, I will be transferring to a non-union controlled program." Strong, standing beside this reporter, then whipped out his dong and screamed, "Somebody's gotta feel this!," flipped us off, and ran away.

Local Pitt Fan Has Ambitious Fall Gardening Plans

Pittsburgh --- As the saying goes, fall is for two things. Football and grass seed. And not necessarily in that order. And those words ring especially true of a local Pitt fan, who has a number of fall gardening projects in store.

“Well, I guess the first thing in line is to take another swing at that patch back by the Rose of Sharon. I don’t know what it is, but that doggone grass just won’t take there. I’m guessing it is a combination of the hedge and the low light levels.” The local Pitt fan elaborated, “Well, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. This year, I am going to put not grass seed, but ground cover back there. Yep, you heard me right, ground cover. Probably that green and silvery stuff. The Mrs. just got a new black composter she parked back there, and I think the silver will look really nice next to it.”

The local Pitt fan said that this project will only scratch the surface, however. “Next in the on-deck circle is going to be planting an apple tree where the hostas are. The hostas were good there, but now that that God-awful mulberry tree got blowed down, there isn’t much shade back there.” The local Pitt fan hoped that by adding the apple tree, it will be close enough to cross-pollinate the apple tree he planted in the front yard two years ago.

The final “major” project will be to move his wife’s vegetable garden from the back to the front. “Oh, the veggies did real good back there for years, but I think the buckeye tree nearby is blocking out too much sun. The vegetable garden was more leaf than veggie this year, which ain’t no good for no one.” The local Pitt fan stated that he plans on moving the vegetable garden to out front, which will likely upset some of the neighbors.

Enter the South Shall Rise Again Zone

A good Monday morning to you, the 13 Pitt fans who haven't killed yourselves. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, even when Pitt loses to CCAC-South Campus. The factor would like to erase the memory of Satrday night, and almost was able to, thanks to a cocktail of gin and ketamine. Unfortunately, all the factor did was wake up Sunday pissed off, and with the mother of all hangovers. And a dead hooker next to him. It was at that moment that the factor felt the closest he ever had to Wlat. There were no positives to take away from the UConn game. None. How is this possible, in year three of the Wannstedt regime, with young talents like LeSean McCoy on the team, you might ask? This is the conundrum of Pitt Athletics. Pitt Athletics, the 70-year old Michael Corleone of college sports. Ineffective, racked with diabetes, and guilty because we sold our souls in the late 70s to become relevant for 10 years.

We turn our attention this week to Charlottesville, VA, and the University of Virginia Fightin' Grohs. UVA is famous for many things, not least of which is being just as mediocre as Pitt at every athletic endeavour possible. In fact, it is almost hard to root against UVA this weekend, because they are just Pitt's southern most branch campus. Pitt-Charlottesville (as UVA wil henceforth be known) is a glimpse into the future of Pitt-Main Campus football as both have swung for the fences to try and capture the Pete Carroll NFL coaching retread magic, and both have popped out to the catcher. With a record of 42-33 in his first 6 seasons (that's an average record of 7-5 for you mathematically challenged UConn fans who are still stopping by), Groh and Pitt-Charlottesville define the sort of mediocrity the factor (and Pitt fans of all stripes) has come to embrace. This is a team that in the past 5 years has lost 7-5 to North Carolina. Do you see the 7-5 trend? Hell, when you type 7-5 into google, the first image that pops up is of this mediocre murderer (pictured above left, looking guilty and insane). All the signs are there. Pitt-Charlottesville are our brethren. As such, we shouldn't mock them for being founded by noted racist Thomas Jefferson,
nor should we have a good guffaw at their expense about Ralph Sampson, the meat in the biggest NBA bust sandwich of Sam Bowie and Greg Oden. We should embrace them for the outright stupidity of their favorite son, George Allen (right, on his way to a lynching), he of macaca-gate. We should celebrate Virginia, the cradle of the tobacco industry, merchants of death, whose cries of "There is no evidence that smoking is addictive" is akin to the wild cries of "He needs more time" often heard from Pitt fans.

Fittingly then, we here at Panther Rants declare this week to be "Love Our Southern Brothers Week". All week we'll be providing reasons why Pitt-Charlottesville deserves our respect, and providing the hard-hitting analysis you expect from the crack staff here at the Rants.

Al Groh, "I don't need this shit."

University of Virginia head coach Al Groh will not be speaking with Panther Rants this week.

Groh denied the request for an exclusive telepathic interview shortly after the Cavaliers win over Georgia Tech Saturday at Scott Erickson Stadium. Groh cited being possibly misinterpreted for his refusal and openly questioned the blog’s staff.

“I maintain a superior intellect and I can’t see how anyone on your staff could possibly understand what I’m trying to tell you. And frankly, I just don’t need the distraction this week,” Groh said in a telepathic press release.

Apparently Groh’s own players are having a hard time understanding as well. The Cavaliers are 3-1 with losses to Wyoming and a struggle against lowly Duke. Virginia posted a 5-7 record last year with a loss to Pitt in Heinz Field. Prior to last season, Groh’s teams posted four consecutive winning seasons. Virginia officials refused to extend Groh’s contract, which expires in 2010, by another year in November.

“I just don’t see what is to gain by talking to you jackasses on that jackass site of yours. I possess a superior intellect to all of you, which I why I am a graduate of the University of Virginia and you people graduated from that dump in that old mill town. You couldn‘t possibly process the information I would give you,” Groh added before denying the request.

Groh’s own fan base is having a hard time processing what he has given them the past two seasons. Shortly after the Wyoming loss someone spray-painted “Groh Must Go” on a bridge in Charlottesville. Fan blogs with a similar title have also popped up on the Web.
"I think teaching is what I do best. I've always taken a lot of pride in my ability to communicate with players and to tell them in an honest and straight-forward manner what they need to do to get better," Groh said in the 2000 New York Jets media guide.

Groh was 37-26 all time at Virginia before Saturday’s game.

This week's Slap 10

10. Pitt fans

Just what the hell were you thinking, sticking around for that crap after halftime? I’m sure many of you had coolers of beer in the trunk and burgers. Why waste your time watching that impression of high school football Saturday night? I’m truly hoping that no one shows up to the Navy game. And by no one I don’t mean a small crowd. I mean NO ONE. Maybe then some people in the administration will get the message that this athletic department needs swept out from top to bottom.

And to you mouth breathers that were dying to hire a “Pitt guy,” do me a favor: Go stand in that corner, face the wall and shut up. And don’t move until this mess is fixed…if ever.

9. Jeff Long

Admit it, you had no list whatsoever for people to hire in 2004 other than Wannstedt. And that’s why we had the circus of a coaching search that we did that resulted in Bo Pelini, Paul Rhodes and ever other Goddam Pitt guy under the sun that was still alive. And that’s why we had to run begging boosters for extra cash to hire Wannstedt, because we had no other options, because we never had a list worth a damn in the first place, did we?

And you wonder why we can’t wait for you to get your voicemail set up in Fayetteville.

8. Matt Cavanaugh

One day you’ll learn that LaRod Stephens Howling is good for three things (a) blocking (b) falling down © falling down while blocking. It’ll be the day after the kid graduates but we still have faith. May we also suggest having Bostick practice throwing the ball down field in practice this week, since we anticipate being about 21 points behind on average the rest of the way…and you should too.

7. Dave Wannstedt

You’re a tremendous ambassador for the school and much improved at recruiting of He Who Went To Bowls. But can you honestly look yourself in a mirror, or the hood of a shiny car, or anything that reflects and say, “This team is not regressing?” And what is going on with your talent evaluation that a guy that winds up throwing for 230 yards manages to look worse in practice than a guy that cant hit a bull in the ass with a bag of rice?

6. Virginia Tech

Congrats on your hard-fought victory over William and Mary Saturday. What the hell happened, Radford wouldn’t respond to your text messages? Every year we go through the same shit with you guys. You play Akron, Aliquippa high school, Robert Morris and then get smoked by a real team and you demand that we take you seriously.

5. Paul Rhodes

So here we go again, huh? Another team with a dink and dunk spread offense and ol Pogoball boy is clueless on how to stop him. Lorenzen passed for 174 yards on about 25 attempts. Hey Paul, how many third and longs did they convert? 70? One day we’ll figure out who you have nude photos of in order to keep your job…and we’re torching them.

4. Ralph Friegden

Remember when this fat slap was the darling of the Crab State, or the state with a lot of crabs, or whatever? Up 24-7 to Wake Forest, the Twerps let the Fighting Tim Duncan’s back in the game and lose in overtime. Whats this guy done since the Orange Bowl trip in 2001?

3. Anthony Morelli and the Penn state offense

So this was your year, huh? This was the year you were gonna’ shock the world, huh? National title hopes, huh? Austin Scott looked like Scott Peterson, held to not only under 100 yards, but under 50 yards. Morelli was an unimpressive 15 of 31 for 169 yards and no touchdowns. Keep in mind this was a Michigan defense that was shredded by Oregon and Appalachian State.

P.S. in order for it to be a rivalry you have to win one every now and then.

2. Steve Pederson

Pederson gave Callahan a five year contract extension and we’re still trying to figure out why. A blowout loss to Southern Cal and near losses to Wake Forest and Ball State yesterday. The Blackshirts defense were more like the Blackshits, giving up 606, including 424 through the air. Hey Steve, might be time to invent some “new traditions” to take people’s minds off of the fact that you fired one mediocre sonofabitch to bring in another.

1. Louisville

I coulda’ sworn Miami left the Big East. Like Miami, the Cards talk a lot of shit, rack up a lot penalties and can put up some points. The problem is, they suck. They absolutely suck out loud. Hey Louisville, when you trailing to Syracuse AT HOME, you don’t jump up in the air bumping and do end zone dives. You hand the ball back to the referee and hope to GOD no one’s looking at the scoreboard.

Obituary

Pittsburgh (PA) - We here at Panther Rants extend our deepest condolences to friends and family of Pitt football, who passed away last night at Heinz Field. It was over 100 years old.

Pitt football, which for a number of years had suffered from various ailments, appeared to be regaining strength in recent weeks, but hopes were dashed after last evening's events. It has been a long struggle for Pitt football for nearly two decades, when, in the 1980's, a fall from grace nearly broke it. In 1997, some form of success was regained, but after 8 up-and-down years, hopes began to dim. Then, in 2005, a resurgence was expected; alas, it was a false hope. The death of Pitt football last night after three increasingly weak years comes as something of a mercy.

Pitt football will be succeeded by its younger brother, Pitt hoops, who identified and claimed the carcass of its older sibling, and released the official death certificate.

Pitt Celebrates 2nd Straight Moral Victory

Pittsburgh - Pitt played a stellar opponent last night at Heinz Field. The UConn Huskies came into town looking to back up their claim for a top 5 national ranking after downing powerhouse Temple last week. After a rough first half, Pitt was able to settle down and hold it's own. Down only 27-7 at half-time, they mounted a furious comeback thanks to heralded freshman qb, Pat Bostick. Head Coach, Dave Wannstedt, elaborated. "Pat played great. Real great. Only 3 interceptions shows a strong grasp of the offense and we're looking forward to him next week. We were able to neutralize the powerful huskies and come out with a 7-7 tie in the second half."

When asked about the sizzling freshman running back, Lesean "Shady" McCoy, Wannstedt continued. "We chose to go with Larod Stephens-Howling to start and get the bulk of the carries. He had a huge argument with his girlfriend this week and needed a pick me up. Needed to feel like a big man so we felt it'd be nice to let him see some action on the field. No one likes to see a midget cry."

Pitt fans frequenting message boards concurred. "Larod is a loyal guy and he should be rewarded," commented an anonymous source. "The second half of this game showed that Pitt is headed in the right direction. Despite all the injuries, our guys still hung in there and fought. The last series of the game, they were still battling. The coaches put the players in a great position to get another moral victory and they pulled through. Obviously, the second half adjustments were stellar, as usual with this coaching staff. Wannstedt should be applauded for righting the ship after half-time. There's nothing but high hopes for the near and distant future."

When you lose to one of the worst teams in D1

for the 2nd straight year.....






Really, could this be any more ridiculous?

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Panther Rants would like to officially announce the death of referring to Walt Harris as "Wlat."

Walt was the cause of much frustration throughout his eight years as head coach at Pitt. But we feel it is time to channel our energy towards the current coaching disappointments. In no way can we condone jokes, jabs and parodies of Harris after the disappointment, lackluster and straight up embarrasing play that took place last night against the University of Connecticut.

We would like to use this space to apologize to coach Harris and legitimately thank him for his service and dedication to the university. At least with Harris we had reasons to have hope. At least with Harris we could believe that we had a chance to win every game against every opponent. After last night, we have neither of these feelings with the current regime.

Lastly, although we will no longer be referring to Harris as "Wlat," we will still be using the word. It will instead be used in reference to the acronym "Wannstedt's Losing Assed Team."

Satauday - we got games on up in this bitch

Some guys blog all day about the games and their team and all that mess.

Not us.

Fuck that shit. We have a hard enough keeping track of the five games on the tube, the remote and babysitting the bacon on the George Foreman grill. Panther Rants will return (maybe) after the Connecticut game.

Walt's Picks - Sept 21

Well, I see that you people have riled up some of the University of Overpasses and Cloverleafs fanbase this week. What a buncha Perrier-sipping, cartigan over the shoulder flamers these people are. Hey UConn, lemme', you know, axe ya this: Which buncha sissy-asses slid on third down against Pitt three years ago? Huh? You buncha bitches. I can't....

Psst. Hey Wlat, that was actually you.

E-revelant. Because who won the game, huh? Steely Dan listening buncha...

Wlat. Yo, Wlat. They won the game too.

Huh? Well, what about last year's game?

Pitt lost that one too.

Getda fuck outta' here? Seriously? Two out of three to a basketball school? My God, we suck. Well, screw it. Let's bring on my picks.

No. 22 Georgia (plus 3 1/2) at No. 16 Alabama
Georgia is 1-7 in its past eight at Bryant-Dennys Waitress Stadium. Add to that the fact that Alabama can put some points up, as they showed last week against the University of That Jag who Pushed Me Out the Door. And frankly, Georgia sucks. They absolutely suck, especially on offense. They havent been the same since WVU lit that ass up in the 2006 Sugar Bowl. And I dont see them righting the ship tomorrow either. TAHDE - 35-17

Washington State (plus 24 1/2) at No. 1 Southern California Why is this an 8 p.m. game on ABC? Anyone know? Not only do I have to watch a shitty matchup in primetime I'm also probably stuck with Brent Musberger. Thanks. is about as worthy of my time as a stewardess with a goiter and ringworm. TROJANS 42-7.

No. 10 Penn State (minus 3) at Michigan
Undefeated Penn State rolls into Michigan as a mere three point favorite against the Wolverines. Well whoopty, you know, shit. Penn State people have been crowing about their team's start since the huge win over the worst Notre Dame team since the forward pass became legal. Just one problem: Michigan has won eight straight against this school. That wears on you psychologically, trust me. Look for two potential outcomes Saturday. (1) Michigan blows them off of the field. (2) PSU builds a big lead only to implode in Michigan State like fashion. Regardless, it'll be hysterical to watch. WOLVERINES 30-28.

UCONN (plus) 10 vs. Pitt
Life should be easier for Kevan Smith this weekend than it was last weekend. He'll be on his home field with the much softer environment of 50,000 of his closest friends dressed in gold and the rest of the stadium taken up by Pitt fans. Add in the fact that UConn's d-line cant possibly be as large as Michigan State's and there should be some holes for either McCoy or Stevens-Howling to run through. PANTHERS 28-10

NOTE: Walt went 4-0 last week overall. Something he never did at Pitt, Stanford or Hi-Tops.

Ranteria!

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Levance Fields Reviews This Season's Tasers

Pittsburgh (PA) - Pitt basketball point guard Levance Fields recently agreed to do a review for Panther Rants of this season's hottest taser models. Fields, a consensus All-Big East player, acknowledges his love for tasers. "Yeah," the ebullient guard said, "I know how those things feel, so I got no problem reviewing them. The only reason I even made a move was so they'd zap me. It's like Pringles - once you take one pop you go back for more until the hair on your testicles singes off."

"The first one I got to try out was this baby here. It's nice, it really is. The prongs don't go too deep in the skin, so there's no tearing of flesh when they're yanked out. Even more, the electrical charge is just unreal. Your knees shake and then your legs give out, but you can't scream because your jaw locks shut. The worst part, though? You can actually smell your skin burning. It smells like Paul Alexander after a night in the tanning salon. It's a good one, though, I'm gonna try and carry it on the court with me, especially in West Virginia. If I get close enough, I'm shooting Bob Huggins in the face. I wanna see if it'll give him a heart attack, you know? I recommend it, but not highly: if it didn't make you void your bowels, I'd love it."

"Now, this one here is just a flat piece of crap. It's faulty or something, you know? Shoot a dude with it, and what happens? Fwoosh. Fire. You can see in this picture here how quick it happens. I mean, the dude was drenched in alcohol, sure, but that don't mean he shouldn't expect to get tasered, especially with other drunk college students nearby. I felt terrible about it afterwards, I really did. Just look at my face, you know? I was almost crying."

"I wouldn't recommend this one. It's too dangerous. Funny, but dangerous. I might still take this one on the road with me, to Connecticut. I heard that if give off an electrical charge in Storrs, you might be able to ignite the air in the arena because of all of the self-absorbed, snooty hot gas that just collects. I wanna see if I can literally blow the roof off the place."

When asked to shed some more light on his recent troubles on the South Side, Fields declined. "Coach doesn't want me to talk. I gotta run anyway...I want to try and melt the silicon foam they put in Sam Young's knees."

Scientists Conclude UConn Sucks

Pittsburgh - Several independent researchers have concluded their study of the University of Connecticut. Lead researcher, Dr. Johnathan Nelson, from the University of Pittsburgh was the lead author of the study. "We did some preliminary trials years ago based on our hypothesis that UConn sucked. Our evidence bore that out. We enlisted a stellar list of the top minds in the country in multiple disciplines for our current study."

Measures included poon on campus, academic rating, and fans. Other variables studied were air quality index, weather, and soil samples. Dr. Nelson elaborated, "First, the poon walking around that campus is amongst the worst in the country; even worse than PSU. We found the academic rating almost as bad as East Carolina. The fans were described as the most pompous assbags outside of Notre Dame. The air quality was poor; most notably, we found that the place smelled like feces all the time. However, the Uconn community members were immune. Something about their DNA makes them unaware that their feces does in fact stink. And finally, soil samples revealed a high concentration of nitrogen, which is a measure of the radioactive decay of Suckunium. High levels of Suckunium are always associated with a sucky college."

"These results have been independently verified amongst different research centers," Nelson continued. "The conclusion that UConn 100% totally sucks is irrefutable."

Foge's Forum

Each Thursday during the college football season former Pitt head football coach and Panther Rants college football analyst Serafino "Foge" Fazio will telepathically give his breakdown of the Panthers and all things happening in the world of college football. His knowledge of the game is unrivaled, but please bear with the coach as he sometimes thinks it's still 1985. Take it away, coach:

I once drove from New York City to Boston and upon arriving at the end of my trip I was asked what I thought about Connecticut. "Connecticut?" I asked. "What's Connecticut?"

My acquaintance assured me Connecticut was a state, but later conceded that it's little more than a highway. He also told me that the really nice rest stop I was describing was actually a city called Hartford. I was still a skeptic until he mentioned UConn. You see, I always thought it was Yukon, a great basketball school from the permafrost laden territory of western Canada. I have to admit that idea always seemed a little odd to me.

Now I'm told that Yukon ... excuse me, UConn, actually has a football team and that seems even more strange. I know Temple, who UConn lost to last week, had a football team. Hell, I know something about losing to Temple. I lost to Temple. UConn "lost" to Temple last week. In the pathetic state of Temple football today - they were run over by Buffalo, which I didn't think was really that embarrassing until I learned it was a college by that name and not the Bills - anything less than a win by three touchdown over Temple is a loss. Why is that? Because it tells you and everyone else something about your team - you stink.

I was offered game film from the UConn/Temple game to break it down. But just then my new best friend, wlat, told me not to bother. He said the final score was all I needed to know that UConn is not a good team. I agree. A close win against Temple is akin to taking home what's left at closing time - you may have gotten some trim, but no matter how many beers you had you can never rationalize what you did the next day.

What shocked me most in all of this was learning that we somehow have lost two of three against UConn. I wonder what that says about our team? Saturday is a chance to erase those memories and start a new era where MassPike U. returns the entirety of its focus to cheating at basketball.

Turning to our Panthers ... what can you say about true freshman LeSean McCoy that hasn't already been said? How about this: It's clear he can't pass the ball, which actually shocked me. It seems this kid can do everything. The other day when I visited practice he even hand delivered my shmuffins right after taping a phone message asking fans to come out to Saturday's game. I understand he is a leading candidate for the athletic director's job. But if "Shady" could pass, Pitt likely wins that game.

That's not a knock on Shady. It's Kevan Smith's inability to pass - he's a quarterback, after all, and I know the game hasn't changed so much since 1985 that quarterbacks are no longer the guys throwing the forward pass - in addition to receivers dropping touchdown passes and fumbling deep in their own end late in the game that proved to be the biggest issue. Are those problems going to be resolved this week? One would have to think that will either be the case or that Shady will have learned how to pass during the week in between.

Even if Smith can't pass, I can't see that being a problem. For Johnny Majors' sake, this is UConn. This a team that has "wins" against Duke (lost 22 of past 23) and Maine (again, I didn't know they played football) and lost to Temple. This is a team that gave up 189 rushing yards at a 4.8 yards per carry clip to Temple. What's Shady going to do against that pathetic run defense? And Shady has help this week. Junior tailback LaRod Stephens-Howling returns from injury. Saturday could feature two Pitt backs breaking the century mark.

Prediction: Pitt will dominate this game. I didn't even get into breaking down my specialty - defense. That unit has been stellar and will continue that play this weekend. Pitt 35, Yukon 6. It's over at halftime.

Elsewhere

* What the hell happened to Auburn? Not to take anything away from South Florida, but some of the shine came off that win last week.

*Congrats to Lloyd Carr for finally getting the Wolverines into the win column. Lloyd, I know the feeling of being a lame duck coach. But, please, take it from me and do try to continue to win. Packing it in during those lame duck seasons is something I've always regretted. Oddly enough, you can still make it to a BCS game this year. The Fat 10 is awful. The conference's poster child this season is apparently Penn State. I expect you will win this weekend as the nitters haven't beaten anyone even average yet. Looking at the rest of the conference, who's out there that really strikes fear into anyone's heart? Go out on a high note with another trip to the Rose Bowl. It's within your reach.

*Jabba the Weis, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

*Kirk Ferentz, please pick up the blue courtesy phone and try to explain your salary.

*Is there a bigger train wreck in the country than Syracuse?

*Think any school and its former coach miss each other more right now than Louisville and Bobby Petrino? Mulligan, anyone?

*Rutgers is the most complete team in the Big East.

*Everyone else is playing for third place, nationally. USC and LSU are that much better than the rest of the country.

Well, I'm off to finish a bag of shmuffins.

Foge, OUT!