Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Another way to get the top Pitt inside on interweb

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Friday, September 11, 2009

Pitt to Announce Bobble Head Promotion

(PR) Blawnox - The University of Pittsburgh is set to announce a new bobblehead promotion for some of its upcoming games. According to our sources inside the Athletic Department, Steve Pederson, in conjunction with Play-it-Again Sports is set to unveil special bobble heads featuring Pitt Football players.

The first two of the series feature Pitt quarterback, Billy Stull. This also clears up the questions as to why Billy inherited the starting qb job. "We would look pretty silly as an athletic department; if our featured bobble heads would represent someone holding a clipboard." Pederson stated. "We just had to go with Stull, too much money would have been lost."

The first figure will be handed out to the first 10,000 fans for the Pitt vs Navy game on September 19th. Following the game a concert by the Pittsburgh All-Star Band, featuring Donnie Iris, Scott Blasey, Bill Deasey, Joe Grusheky and others will take place. Also, a Zambelli fireworks display will be set off for the throngs of fans immediately after, barring any 8mph wind gusts.

The first figure represents Bill as a relatively quiet student. This also shows his clean cut qualities.

The second one, set to launch on October 10th for homecoming will feature Bill "B-Man" Stull in more of an urban style.

Panther Rants are excited for these collectibles and we're sure the Pitt Faithful will find a nice place on the mantle for their figures as well.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Pitt Fans With Speech Impediment Ruin Opening Day

Heinz Field -

Pitt's opening day 2009 started with much fanfare and excitement. The Panthers are coming off their best season in decades and looking to build fan support for new and exciting squad.
However, the cheers turned to "boos" early in in the contest as Pitt fans let the starting quarterback, Bill Stull, hear their frustrations. Or did they...?
Silently for the past 6 months, Pitt Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been reaching out to his favorite charity, ASHA (American Speech-Language Hearing Association). The AD commented, "We decided to form a partnership and support ASHA this year. After years of Wlat Harris as Head Coach and his lisp, and now Coach Wannstedt and his broken Pittsburghese, we felt that it was natural to stand behind this silent killer of a disease known to most as a speech impediment."
And Pederson's plan worked great. Over 20,000 tickets were distributed to individuals in the region that suffer from speech impediment, namely those with difficulty pronouncing "L's." The AD continued, "This particular segment of the association just really was behind Pitt football. They're loud and really cheer for the team. Most hail from either the Seton La-Salle area or Youngstown so they were really excited to see their hometown boy, quarterback Bill Stull."
Unfortunately, that's when things turned ugly. Casual fans heard the boos throughout the stadium as Stull entered the field. However, the group was merely trying to say, "Bill!!!!," but due to the affliction, all anyone heard was, "booo!!!" [Note: The author encourages you to try saying "Bill" w/out your tongue and hear what it sounds like]
After the game, ASHA area president, Lilly Littleton said, "I just can not beweeve this happened to our Booey Stuooo. We ruv Booey so much and now he is huwt and sad aww because of us and our damn wwwwisp." Pederson also commented, "That Ron Cook in the PG today, he got it all wrong. Poor journalism as usual from that guy. These people called out to Stull all game to show their support and unfortunately, it was taken the wrong way. Needless to say, we're holding a tutorial for them before the next home game where we just encourage them to say "Go Pitt!" Not even Wlat could get that one wrong....wait, is that recorder still on...hey...where you going!!??"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pitt Looks to Revamp Running Corp

Blawnox -

With the loss of the two time team leading RB, Lesean Mccoy, Pitt is left with a large void at RB. Additionally, Pitt's second leading rushing, Larod Stephens-Howling-Nelson-Vader-Johansson-Obama, and FB Conredge Collins, Coach Wannstedt must replace the entirety of Pitt's RB corp.

Thankfully, the cupboard is not bare. Coach Wannstedt has stockpiled a treasure-trove of 4'10" 110lb midgets, oompa-loompas, and elves in an effort to bring a more dynamic and shifty presence to his offense's running game. Pitt's 95lb Junior Running Back, Kevin Collier commented (in a high-pitched squeal): "It's nice that those freakish giants have left and given an opportunity to us little people. Let's face facts - our offensive line has been terrible; the smaller the player, the more likely we make it between the tiny holes between the tackles and get that elusive 2 foot gain."

Freshman Dionne Lewis, a 4'2" wunderkind out of New Jersey gave his perspective. "I came to Pitt because of Coach Wannstedt. He articulated two things to me: 1 - his love of a good fish sammiches with tartar sauce and 2 - his belief that little people can do big things." Lewis stated to this reporter that his biggest hero growing up was Atom from the Justice League. "That guy could get into places that no one else could; not even Superman. If you needed a key unlocked, Atom could do it. And that's what I am - the guy that can get a consistent 1 yard per carry."

Freshman 2 star waste of scholarship Jason Douglas from Florida also commented. "Down in Florida, our kind is shunned and not given a chance. But here at Pitt, we Little People have a home where we can be comfortable and find others like ourselves. It was an easy decision because they liked me and also because in no way would any sane coach offer me a scholarship."

Coach Cignetti gave a pre-camp statement about his stable of RB's. "I'll tell you that when I first got to campus and met our RB's, it was a lot like going to the land of toy ponies. You see them and they're so cute and all. But then I realized that I had already terminated my contract with Cal and this is what I had to work with. So I wanted to go all passing this year but our Qb's aren't any good. Oy - I'm the poster child for not looking at all the facts before making a job move."

When asked for comment, the Little People of America () stated that they are very proud of the University of Pittsburgh's commitment to helping the plight of midgets everywhere. Then they started singing "We are a part of the lollipop guild..."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Pitt Set to Announce Uniform Change

Manhattan, NY -

Pitt's Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been seen extensively in the Broadway area of NYC in the past 6 months. Inside sources reveal that the humble AD has been taking pointers from the only folks that change costumes more often than the Pitt football team.

Many of those close to the talks were unwilling to speak. However, the Magical Mister Mistofolees gave us quite interesting talking points. "This brutish man comes in and starts asking about how many times we change during a performance. It kind of creeped us out until we understood that he was looking for ways to push the envelope."

Many Pitt fans are unaware but uniforms were the true reason SP was brought back on. We were able to connect with Chancellor Nordy. "Let's face it - Jeff Long just wasn't changing things as much as we'd like at Pitt. He'd go 2, even 3 years without radical uniform changes and that just won't do. So I called up Arkansas and asked them to find Long something in their department. When Steve and I spoke about the position, I said, 'Steve, things are different since you left; the bar has been set higher. What can you do that you didn't do before?'" Nordy continued. "Steve looked me right in the eye, his hand shook and his voice boomed as he stated that he was going to do things that have never been imagined in college athletics. I didn't care what it was at that point; but I knew we had to have him."

According to Chris Ferris inside the Athletic Department, who spoke on condition of anonymity but we didn't care and are printing it anyway, Pederson is going to implement sports' first intra-game uniform changes. Ferris quoted Pederson as saying, "Pitt has been a leader in college athletics in the area of changing decals, logos, mascots, colors, uniforms, and everything in between. But so have a lot of other crap schools just trying to make a quick buck. We're going to up them all, even those crazy European soccer jerk-offs. We're going to change uniforms after each quarter." Ferris commented that changes will take effect in the first game this year. Pitt's goal is to implement at least 2 different color schemes, 3 different "Pitt" fonts, 2 helmets (for each player), and 2 tooth emblems. "2009 is the year of change," Ferris noted. "And if confusing and annoying our fans ever loses it's place as a top priority in this athletic department, by God in heaven, this isn't the place I grew up with. Hail to Pitt!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

Pitt Football 2009 Aims for Return to Conference Highs

Blawnox -

Welcome to the first article of the 2009 season. We here at Pantherrants feel this is Pitt's time to shine. After posting the best regular season since early in the Reagan administration last year, Pitt is poised to take it's rightful place as a team who, year in and year out, can compete for at least 3rd place in the conference.

The early years of Pitt's conference involvement were not positive. Pitt joined the Big East in 1991 and summarily languished in the bottom half of the conference. However, the glory years came earlier in this decade. Who could forget the 2000 squad? They went out and did something no Pitt team had ever done: won 4 conference games in a season. The mark was equaled the following year and improved upon with a miraculous and whopping 5 conference wins in 2002-2004. That's 15 conference wins in just 3 seasons! Pitt's fan base was not only treated well but spoiled according to fans of some other proud programs such as Rutgers, Utah State, and Rutgers (they're so proud that they get named twice).

2005 saw the advent of the Wannstedt regime. Coach Wannstedt returned Pitt to it's normal place in the Big East standings by winning a total of 9 conference games in his first 3 seasons (an average of 3 games/season for the readers from WVU). Many college football fans were thankful to see Pitt return to the bottom half of the 8 team league. And who could blame them? We all like consistency and Pitt was the model after finishing less than .500 for 14 out of it's first 17 seasons in the Big East.

Unfortunatley for them, Pitt's 2008 squad blew the doors off the college football world by winning 5 conference games in 2008. Proud programs with a long history including South Florida, Connecticut, and Louisville succumbed to the mighty Panthers last season. And history tells us that after winning 5 conference games one season, Pitt should be expected to win 5 more in 2009 (see: 2002-2003)! That's a conference winning percentage of 71% in a BCS league!

Therefore, this writer's bold prediction is that Pitt will return to the glory years of the early 2000's where the program strung together two years of finishing third or fourth in the mighty Big East. Maybe, just maybe (*fingers crossed, dare to dream LOL!), the proud and mighty Pitt Panthers have turned the corner and will have finally reach the promised land. That's right: a program that annually is labeled better than average in the Big East conference.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Belated Congratulations

No, not to Cav for setting the passing game back 50 years, or Chase Clowser for his excellent display of bull fighting skills he picked up in Juarez. Our praise goes out to BurghGuy68, a legendary poster on both the PantherLair and PantherDigest.

Just yesterday BurghGuy surpassed 20,000 posts on the Digest alone, a shocking feat that takes not only a tremendous amount of free time but also access to a countless amount of inane pictures. Since yesterday Burgh has blown past his record, reaching 20,113 by the time of this post. It is known how many times he ignored his wife and children in the period but our guess is..........a lot.

Congrats, BurghGuy!