Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Paul Chryst Press Conference, Makes Apology and Offer

Blawnox - University of Pittsburgh Head Football Coach, Paul Chryst, held an unusual weekly press conference this afternoon.  As most media expected, Coach Chryst took full responsbility for the display of the Panther football team on Saturday night at Heinz Field.  "First, I want to congratulate the Youngstown State team for a great effort.  They gave us more than we could handle."

Next, Coach Chryst sought to apologize.  "Now, I know many of you are upset with us.  I can understand that.  Let me just say, that this sort of thing will never happen again."  This reporter asked, "What will you do to ensure that?"

Coach Chryst retorted, "Well, we have to control what we can control.  And for me, that is affecting every single Pitt fan I can.  That's who we're ultimately serving.  So let me apologize to all of those who were not in attendance, who I didn't get to kick square in the nuts at the game.  Normally I wouldn't make concessions but this was an extraordinary event, plus the weather, and suspensions.  I feel I need to do more."  Chryst stared directly at those in attendance; tearing up a little, he said, "I just feel terrible that I couldn't kick more of you, as hard as I possibly could, straight and dead-on in the balls on Saturday night."

He continued, "So for any Pitt fan holding an unused game ticket from the Youngstown State game, we will be allotting as much time as it takes for all the fans to come down after practice on Tuesday, September 4th. Each fan, holding an unused game ticket, will get a gigantic kick in the balls from me, the Head Coach."

A reporter from the AP asked, "What is the policy for having more than one unused game ticket - will you give two kicks for those individuals?"

"Sorry, only one kick per ticket holder.  However, again, because of how roundly I kicked those fans in the nuts at the game itself, we've decided to make sure everyone gets what's coming to them.  So if you have more than one ticket, you can redeem a second to get kicked again but that would be by Coach Huxtable," stated Chryst.  "But we'd really hope that you'd donate those unused tickets to another great Panther fan."

"What time do the lots open for the nut-kicking?  And can I use my season parking pass at the Southside Practice Complex?," questioned a local fan.

Athletic Director, Steve Pedersen, stepped to the podium to field the answer.  "As is tradition for the games, the lots will open 5 hours prior to the end of practice.  The Flow Band will be on site to provide entertainment along with free Face Painting for kids under 12.  Parking passes will not be valid.  Parking costs will be $15 for the Fage Fozio, "Original Nut Destroyer" lot; $10 for the Paul Hacket, "The Nut Kill of Cardiac Hill" lot; and $5 for the shuttle from campus.  The shuttle ride will cost an additional $3.95 from campus but will include a good kick in the balls by the shuttle driver."

"And let me further clarify, "added Pedersen, "that any Panther Club member who gives more than $10,000 per year, qualifies for an additional ball kicking by myself.  And those with more than $100,000 in giving per year will receive a nut-kicking from their choice of Mark Nordenberg, Jerry Cochrane, or former Chancellor, J Dennis O'Connor."

Friday, May 25, 2012

Pitt Basketball Silences Critics with National Championship

Things are a lot calmer around the Pederson Events Centers these days.  School's out so there no reason for things not to be.  I guess we're talking more about the Pitt Basketball team.  A team that got caught in a storm, but was able to sail for calmer waters. 

Critics of Pitt Basketball say many things.  Jamie Dixon is a bad hire, Jamie can't recruit, and Jamie is living off the Ben Howland era.  Nearly ten years later, Dixon is still at Pitt. Ben Howland has been gone for a long time and we can say this is Jamie Dixon's program.   As for recruiting, Dixon has landed his share of great players such as Levance Fields, Sam Young, Dejuan Blair, Gilbert Brown, and the list will go on. 

The biggest question Dixon faced from his critics is would he ever be able to reach a Final Four let alone win a national title with his system? 

It didn't look that way at the start of the 2011-2012 season.  Pitt's season started with a loss to Long Beach State in just the third game of the season.   The Panthers would recover to win the next 8 games to be at 11-1.  Their world would turn upside down starting late December when they lost 8 straight games to be at 11-9.  During that time, Pitt would also lose a player and be without another.  Freshman Khem Birch would leave Pitt taking his blonde streak and diva-like attitude with him.  Tray Woodall was hurt most the season putting Ashton Gibbs in a bad spot and no depth at point guard. 

Despite all that, Pitt was able to pull it together and earn another spot in postseason play.  An upset over Princeton, gave Pitt their first Final Four since the 1940's.  This would silence the critics about the Final Four, but they would also question if Dixon could bring home a national title to Pitt.  To reach that debate, Pitt would face Butler in a rematch from last year's second round matchup where Nasir Robinson fouled that hippy looking douchebag with seconds left on the clock.

 Pitt and Butler played two brutal halves where both teams kept exchanging punches.  They would end up in overtime where Pitt eventually pulled away.  Players like JJ Moore and Talib Zanna stepped up their games.  Lamar Patterson would have his coming out party.  Along with Travon Woodall, these players would lead Pitt to a National Championship by dismantling Washington State.

You can see why it's so calm at the Pete.  No critics, No drama, No hair dye, and No divas.  The only noise you may hear is from the practices at Pitt Basketball.   They are gearing up for another storm and this time they will be bringing it...and hopefully a back-to-back National Championship.   

Thursday, May 24, 2012

NAMBLA Offers to Sponsor Big Ten Title Game

The Big Ten is picking up where it left off after a captivating title game that sent Brett Bielema and the Wisconsin Badgers to choke in another BCS Bowl game.  After the events that surfaced at Penn State regarding Jerry Sandusky and the recent events of a sex offender stalking...err recruiting young football players, NAMBLA has offered their support for the Big Ten Conference and would like to sponsor next year's title game. 

One Big Ten spokesperson said that "We have not heard anything from NAMBLA, but if it involves money we will talk.  No one thought we would expand to 12 members without Ohio State and and Michigan bitching about attention being taken away from their stupid rivalry game." 

Pitt, Cincinnati Form Bowl Partnership

With Pitt possibly heading to the ACC after 2012, there was concern that their annual rivalry game against Cincinnati will also end as well.  Well, think again.  The River City Rivalry Trophy will not find its way at yard sales, people basements, etc.  Instead, it will become an innovator to another premium ticket in the post season wars of College Football.

Pitt and Cincinnati have agreed to form a bowl partnership starting in 2013.  This means if neither team is in the BCS Bowl, both of these teams will meet in their own bowl game.  The payout is rumored to be 50 million dollars.  Home Field will be rotated yearly.   If neither team meets that year, that money gets pooled into next year's bowl game if they meet. 

Pitt released this statement this morning in regards to the bowl game:

"With the landscape of College Football changing everyday with conference expansions, conference bowl partnerships, and superconferences, it is in the University's best interests to look out for their athletic programs.  This is why we have formed a bowl partnership with Cincinnati.  We were in discussions with West Virginia, but we decided if we wanted to deal with a bunch of drunken hicks we'd go to a Toby Keith concert instead." 

Cincinnati released this statement:

"We're exited to keep the River City Rivalry going.  Pitt has given us every opportunity to stay nationally relevant in someway and they have come through for us again."

There's been concerns of where they the money will come from to host this game.  Bowl Officials are in talks with WKRP, Skyline Chili, Krogers, Giant Eagle, Heinz, and others to fund this Bowl game.  All feel they will get a positive investment from one of the greatest games in College Football.  

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Day He Got Punked

It's been over a month since Pitt Football concluded their season. Another season, another coach. You have to feel for the seniors who pretty much had their college careers end on this note. You have to feel for the current players who still have to endure the mess.

One person you don't have to feel for? That person is Pitt's AD Steve Pederson.

I don't blame Pederson for what happened with Mike Haywood. He doesn't have a crystal ball and there's no way he knew Haywood would go Ike Turner on the mother of his child. The firing of Dave Wannstedt was a mess, but we don't know what happened in their offseason meeting. Based on Dave's actions since he was let go, blame goes on both sides.

A lot Graham's dirty laundry got aired out after his firing. It seems Todd had his own "vision", his own "philosophy", and he had his own "traditions". Unfortunately, he didn't seem to respect the visions and philosophies of others. He also sure as hell didn't respect traditions either, whether it related to Pitt Football or even Steelers football. He cared about his own. In the end, it was about Todd Graham

It comes to no surprise as to why Pederson may have been a little shook up by his employee leaving even though he told him no. That Day, he became a victim of his own creation. In some ways when hired Todd Graham, he hired himself. Worst of all, he got punked.

As Pitt starts out with a new coach and another new attitude, maybe Pederson can start anew as well. Pitt will head into the ACC and stakes will be raised. Pitt will have to step up its game because the results have been mixed in the Big East. Let's hope it works out for the current players. Let's hope this staff stays longer than a year. Most of all, let's hope that Steve Pederson doesn't get "punked" again.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Pitt Basketball: Identity Crisis

After the final buzzer sounded on Sunday, Pitt Basketball finds itself at 15-11 with a 4-9 record in Big East conference play. For this team or any Pitt team in the Jamie Dixon era, this has been a situation they've never had to deal with. For Pitt fans: they're baffled, frustrated, and some are just pissed. For Jamie Dixon haters, this has been the season they've been dreaming of.

I could sit here and try to analyze what has happened with this team, but I'll be repeating every entry from every Pitt blog known to man. As the season ends, we're still asking ourselves these same questions: Who is this team? What is their identity?

That's the part that has most Pitt fans frustrated. We don't know. The team itself probably doesn't know. Jamie Dixon is also still trying to figure this out.

As much as Pitt has missed Tray Woodall, he can't fix everything even if he's healthy. Anyone remember when Pitt lost Mike Cook for the season and Levance Fields for a period of time? Luckily they had Blair, Sam Young, and Ron Ramon to weather the storm. This team doesn't have those guys. They have talent, but not leadership to step up when it hits the fan. Need Proof? Watch them play.

You could say the tone for this season was set last year when Nasir Robinson committed one of the most dumbest fouls in the history of Pitt Basketball. That's been the problem with this team. They're bright...they're talented...they just don't play up to it at times. Would the NIT would be a good thing for this team? It could make Jamie Dixon take a long hard look at his team. Maybe instead putting a band-aid on certain situations like putting Gibbs at PG, he tries to fix these situations more permanently. Other than Woodall, Pitt hasn't had a true PG since Fields graduated. It would also help him determine the players that need to held accountable, but it doesn't seem that's being done this season.

Or maybe we're all just over-reacting to this? Maybe it's one of those things where you're gonna have a season where things are a mess. I remember sitting at Three Rivers in 1998 when Steeler fans tossed their beers onto the field after losing to the Cincinnati Bengals to finish 7-9. We were used to winning and making the playoffs. It didn't matter who the Steelers lost in the offseason, they always had someone to come in take their place. That's until they ran out of those type of players, or they just didn't draft the right players.

Two things this team can do: Finish Strong or just say "F*** it, we're done. Wanna go to Five Guys?". Then again, it takes "Five Guys" to bring a good burger.

Does Pitt have "Five Guys"?