Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Mike Leach After Baylor Game (Explicit Language)

We're big fans of former Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach and really hope that athletic director Steve Pederson and Chancellor Mark Nordenberg come to their senses, stop screwing around and hire the guy.

Why? Well, for starters the guy can flat out coach. I mean, the guy made Texas Tech relevant in a division that had Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State. Secondly, Leach would have a ball calling out the numerous "fat little girlfriends" just in Carrick alone, let alone the entire city of Pittsburgh. Lastly, outbursts like this, which happened LAST. FUCKING. YEAR. Not THIS year. Last fucking year.

Ohh yeah, poo poo fuckin' Baylor. Fuck you, and fuck me and fuck everyone." We couldn't agree more, Mike, and hopefully you'll be yelling at our fat, WPIAL softies like this soon.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Tale of Wannstedt

Island of Misfit Coaches - On a remote and frigid island lives a kingdom of former football coaches. These are no ordinary folks though; all have been deemed, "misfits," by their University's Athletic Department. The kingdom is a haven for those who don't "fit in" to normal football society.

Today, Coach Wannstedt, drifting on an iceberg, landed on the island and immediately was welcomed. He came across a young African-American man who said, "who are you?" Coach Dave said, "I'm Dave Wannstedt. Who are you?"

"Ron Dickerson is my name. I came here years ago after Temple didn't think I could win games."

"My name is John Mackovic - I was sent here for losing at places where you have to be a total retard not to at least get to bowl games."

"Hi there - they call me Tyrone Willingham. I'm the first guy ever who couldn't recruit good players to Notre Dame."

"Wow!," exclaimed Wannstedt. "I never knew there was a place with so people who wouldn't judge me on my inability to formulate a competent gameplan. But I'm just trying to get back to Pittsburgh to save my school from the evil Steve Pederson."

"You're among friends here," stated Bill Callahan. "We're all misfits here. No one wants a coach who can't beat Iowa State, or UC Davis, or Richmond. But first, we must take you to the King."

Coach Wannstedt eventually met up with the King of the Island of Misfit Coaches. King George Perles deemed Dave a truly crap coach that no school would want and allowed him to stay as long as he'd like. And all lived Wlatppily ever after.

Friday, December 10, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Coaching Search Update

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Sources close to the coaching search at the University of Pittsburgh are stating that former Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons and Portland State University football coach Jerry Glanville has contacted the school about the current head coaching opening in an unusual way.
"I'm campin' on the sumbitch's front yard," Glanville said in a telephone interview late Friday night.
The former coach, known for leaving tickets for dead celebrities at games, has set up an impromptu campsite on the front yard of Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. Glanville was cited by Pittsburgh police late Thursday for having an open campfire within city boundaries and was then cited for not having current registration on his truck-boat-truck.
"Imma be here until these sumbitches at least bring me in for an interview. Ya'll gonna' say 'no' to me you gonna' at least do it to my face this time," he said.
Glanville openly campaigned for the job when it was open in 2004. Despite repeatedly remarking to the national media about his interest in the position, university officials decided that did not want to hire a former burn-out NFL head coach with a mediocre record in the regular season and playoffs and hired Dave Wannstedt instead. Glanville was never contacted by the school.
"Who the hell is this cowboy? I woke up Wednesday morning and I have an igloo tent set up in my yard and the guy's walking around in flannel pajamas and a cowboy hat. And he's totally wrecked the landscaping by taking the stones to make a fire ring. If he trashes my yard anymore it'll eat up my entire $27,000 raise," Nordenberg said.

  • Former University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt attempted to send a resume to the school but instead jammed the paper in his mouth and began howling at the moon.
  • UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal said in a press release Friday that he's laying 3:1 odds that offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti Jr. will get the job.
  • No one close to the coaching search committee currently knows whether or not former University of Miami Head Coach Larry Coker is interested in the position because no one really gives a shit.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Dave Wannstedt - Ticket for the Wind

Well it's a sad day all around for Pitt Athletics. It's good day for some people...depending on who you are. For us at the blog, we don't like to see anyone lose their job. Wanny may have given us a lot of joke material...the guy wasn't perfect...but he bled blue and gold. For now, here's a video tribute to Coach Wannstedt.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dave Wannstedt: This Time It's Personal

Another season of Pitt Football is winding down and this time, it's personal. It's personal for Pitt fans, alumni, boosters, donors, etc. It's personal for Ron Cook, Kevin Gorman, Paul Zeise, Bob Smizik. It's personal for the Pitt Blogosphere. As for us here? Hell it gives us plenty of writing material to go on if we ever got off our lazy behinds to write.

One Question about all of this: Why is everyone taking this season so personal? I mean what were you expecting? Have you paid attention to this program since Wannstedt was hired? Here's all you need to know....and I learned this from the Sun Bowl in 2009 (Which took myself some time to get over):

Seasons under Dave Wannstedt either BEGIN in disaster or END in disaster. Let's look at the tale of the tape.....

2005: Pitt coming off a BCS Bowl with a share of the Big East title. Nationally ranked with most of the returning cast from the year before. Pitt gets donkey punched on National TV from Jabba the Hut. They lose to Ohio the next week, Let's not forget the 7-6 debacle in Nebraska.

Verdict: Began in disaster
2006: Start out 6-1. Pitt drops a big game against Rutgers. Blows a 31-17 at UConn by running Larod Stephens up the middle on just about every other play. Pitt loses out and misses another bowl game.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2007: Pitt opens the season by losing their starting quarterback, Bill Stull, to injury. They have to chose between Kevan Smith and Pat Bostick. Bostick eventually becomes the starter. Pat had mobility, lack of arm strength, and no experience. Pitt limps to a 4-7 record before "13-9".

Verdict: Began in disaster

2008: Pitt loses to Bowling Green...recovers to finish get their first bowl game since January 2005. Pitt would lose two of their next three. One loss would cost them the BE title. The other a 3-0 loss in the Sun Bowl.

Verdict: Ended in disaster. You can make the case for both, but the Bowling Green loss didn't sting as much as the 3-0 game....or the Cincy Game which costed Pitt the BE title.

2009: Pitt starts out 9-1....drops their last two to WVU and Cincy. The Cincy loss stung the most as Pitt squandered a 31-10 lead.

Verdict: Ended in disaster

2010: Pitt nationally ranked, BE Favorite, and a clear path to the BE title. Pitt goes 2-3 in non-conference with losses to Utah, Miami, and ND. Starts out 4-0 in Big East play before dropping the next two.

Verdict - It began in disaster and it's about to end in disaster as well.

So there you have it. So again, why get worked up over this season? It's no different from any other season Pitt has had. There's always some catastrophe waiting to balance things out when things are going really well. It's Pitt Football...It's who we are.....and It's what we endure.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Wannstedt Receives Praise

Blawnox - Pitt Head Football Coach received a strange call at approximately 6am this morning. On the other end was none other than the legendary professional bowler, "Big Ern" McCracken. "I never expected a call that early in the morning," confessed Coach Wannsedt, "but I'll take any positive news I can get."

McCracken commented. "Listen, I'm in Vegas for a big match. The girls and I are up late drinking Tanqueray and Tab, ya know. We're having a good time with some high rollers. We're laying some money on games for tomorrow when I see the highlights from yesterday. And damn if that Pitt game wasn't the Munson of the year."

Wannstedt stated, "I have no idea who or what a Munson award is, but it sure sounds good to me. I knew a guy named Munson once; he worked third shift at the mill and he was a great guy. We used to get some Irons after a shift and sometimes sneak in some cole slaw and fish sandwiches. Heckuva guy."

McCracken continued, "Wannstedt on that sideline, running his hands through his hair, screwing up in a big moment when he had the world by the tail, just made my heart warm thinking of my buddy Roy. Well, Roy can't really run his fingers through his hair because he doesn't have hair or fingers, ha! Ha-ha! Alright reporter guy, I have some needy single mothers to take care of..."

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Pitt Players Arrested After UConn Game

The hits just keep coming for the Pitt Football program. They have had three players arrested for incidents that happened off the field. This time, it's on the field. Several members of Pitt's defense were arrested for sexually assaulting UConn running back Jordan Todman.

Among those arrested were Max Gruder, Greg Williams, and Dom DeCicco. Pitt's Athletic Department has declined comment at this time. Jordan Todman can't be reached for comment as the UConn Athletic Department has said that he is "still running". Panther Rants talked with the local Law Enforcement and they released this statement:

"We are still gathering information on the reported incidents. We need to reach Jordan, but we've heard he is running somewhere. As for the sexual assaults that took place, we can't tell if the three Pitt linebackers accused were either trying to tackle Jordan or if they were dry-humping him."

Panther Rants will keep you updated as this story unfolds.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Fishmouth Gobbles Orange

Syracuse - Starved Pitt fans had been waiting almost 11 months to see their team with a complete game victory. Thankfully for them, this past weekend saw Coach Fishmouth hooking the competition instead of being hooked.

Wannstedt commented after the game, "We came up here to Syracuse expecting the Orange to put forth some kind of effort and I guess they just didn't feel like bothering." When asked for comment, Cuse coach Marrone stated, "What Fishmouth said is true. Did you see our gameplan? We wrote it on a napkin 10 minutes before the game. In fact, it was the same plays we run the first 2 days of summer camp to just get the kids going. Nothing fancy and no scheming. We figured Pitt had given up on the year."

Syracuse players commented afterwards. "Did you see Pitt against Miami, FIU, Notre Dame? Did it look as if we needed to practice anything? We put a hurtin' on Colgate and figured that's all it'd take. Coach Marrone said to not worry about it because he said Wannstedt is dumb and won't make any changes to what they've been doing."

Pitt was led by QB, Tino Sunseri, who had his best game as a collegiate. "It was really nice to be able to just stand wherever I wanted and throw the ball. I wish Miami and Utah would have given me a fair shot like the Orange did. I was able to miss on some pretty easy throws on first or second down and then on third down, they were nice enough to leave one guy open short for me to throw to. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good because not just anyone can complete wide open 10 yard throws with no pass rush. Look at Bostick for god's sakes - he can't."

Coach Marrone finished the interview by stating that he was disappointed in his team's lack of preparation. "I guess I have to take some responsibility; you really have to try to lose to Pitt this year and we just didn't get it done."

Nonetheless, the day a total loss for the Syracuse fans exiting the stadium. "Hey, did you see Express? Great movie, great movie! Did you know that we were real good in the early 60's. And Marvin Harrison!!!" Several Cuse fans were seen masturbating to McPherson highlight videos being played on the stadium's concourse.