BREAKING NEWS: Coaching Search Update

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Sources close to the coaching search at the University of Pittsburgh are stating that former Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons and Portland State University football coach Jerry Glanville has contacted the school about the current head coaching opening in an unusual way.
"I'm campin' on the sumbitch's front yard," Glanville said in a telephone interview late Friday night.
The former coach, known for leaving tickets for dead celebrities at games, has set up an impromptu campsite on the front yard of Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. Glanville was cited by Pittsburgh police late Thursday for having an open campfire within city boundaries and was then cited for not having current registration on his truck-boat-truck.
"Imma be here until these sumbitches at least bring me in for an interview. Ya'll gonna' say 'no' to me you gonna' at least do it to my face this time," he said.
Glanville openly campaigned for the job when it was open in 2004. Despite repeatedly remarking to the national media about his interest in the position, university officials decided that did not want to hire a former burn-out NFL head coach with a mediocre record in the regular season and playoffs and hired Dave Wannstedt instead. Glanville was never contacted by the school.
"Who the hell is this cowboy? I woke up Wednesday morning and I have an igloo tent set up in my yard and the guy's walking around in flannel pajamas and a cowboy hat. And he's totally wrecked the landscaping by taking the stones to make a fire ring. If he trashes my yard anymore it'll eat up my entire $27,000 raise," Nordenberg said.

NEWS IN BRIEF

• Former University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt attempted to send a resume to the school but instead jammed the paper in his mouth and began howling at the moon.
• UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal said in a press release Friday that he's laying 3:1 odds that offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti Jr. will get the job.
• No one close to the coaching search committee currently knows whether or not former University of Miami Head Coach Larry Coker is interested in the position because no one really gives a shit.