Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Annual Reminder

We here at Panther Rants would just like to take this moment to remind Ron Cook and Bob Smizik that Jason White spent last year selling Cheesecake Bites at Sonic, while Larry Fitzgerald put up another All-Pro season.

Once again, good call gentlemen!

Monday, January 21, 2008

A.J. Alexander apparently has a tough time with lunch too...

Panther Rants has obtained this secret footage of A.J. Alexander, who has recently reneged a second time on a verbal commitment. Notice how he has as much trouble deciding on a lunch as he does deciding on a school.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Source: Traficant a candidate for vacant defensive coordinator position

PITTSBURGH (PR) - Panther Rants has learned through a source close the athletic department that former Ohio Congressman and Pitt quarterback James Traficant is a candidate for the Panthers' vacant defensive coordinator's position.

The source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that head coach Dave Wannstedt and athletic director Steve Pederson are intrigued by what Traficant could offer the program.

"They realize that college football recruiting is a dirty game, and they feel that adding one of the school's filthiest alums to the staff could be beneficial," the source said. "Jim's one of the greatest cheaters to be spawned by the University of Pittsburgh. Yes, he did get caught and is currently incarcerated, but all the NCAA ever does is slap you on the wrist as long as you're paying off the right people. If we're going to compete with such blatantly great cheaters such as Ohio State, Michigan, USC and LSU, we need Jim Traficant.

"Plus, he's a 'Pitt Guy.'"

The source went on to explain that Traficant's football knowledge is questionable. But he also pointed out that Paul Rhoads was no less suspect.

"The guy coached one good game since 2002 and suddenly he's a star," the source said.

The other problematic issue is that Traficant is serving an eight-year prison sentence and won't be released until Sept. 2, 2009, after being convicted of taking bribes, filing false tax returns, racketeering, and forcing his aides to perform chores at his farm in Ohio and on his houseboat in Washington.

"How would they get around it?" the source asked rhetorically. "You really think going one season without a defensive coordinator in place is any different than how things were the past eight years?"

Notes: Panther Rants also learned on Friday that Dinocat is a candidate for the defensive coordinator's position, but has not yet be named to the position ... All Penn State graduates have herpes ... West Virginia graduates receive the same degree as those who never attended a class.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dinocat to return

PITTSBURGH (PR) – Panther Rants learned today that Dinocat, the fabled logo brainchild of former and current athletic director Steve Pederson, will return.

Dinocat, thought dead and buried in Michael Vick's backyard, the former and much maligned PITT mascot will serve two roles upon his return to the university.

The obvious role will be serving as the secondary logo for the university, a role he filled for years before disappearing last spring. At that time the university tried to cover up Dinocat's disappearance with what could only be described as a hyena-dog.

"I'm not even sure what the fuck that thing was," Dinocat told Panther Rants in an interview from his Squirrel Hill estate. "It looked like some kind of fucking pig or Wisconsin cheerleader."

The big news is that Dinocat will now serve as the Panthers new defensive coordinator, replacing Paul Rhoads who announced on Monday that he had accepted the same position at Auburn. Dinocat has no coaching experience, but he doesn't expect that to hinder his ability to be effective in his new role.

"Well, fuck, that moron Rhoads did it and somehow managed to land himself a gig paying $400,000 with one of the top programs in the country's most prestigious conference," Dinocat said. "Seriously, I was here from 2003 through 2006. I saw those fucking defenses. I could sleep through the fucking game and not be any worse. I could drink like Matt Cavanugh and do at least as well as Rhoads did."

Contacted via telepathic interview, head coach Dave Wannstedt said he's excited about his new hire.

"We figured, 'What the hell?'" Wannstedt said. "If keeping Rhoads around for three years wasn't an indication of how much we give a shit about our defensive coordinator, I don't know what more we could. It's my defense. I just need a trained monkey to follow orders."

Asked about his mysterious disappearance, Dinocat said he couldn't get into the specifics - mostly because he can't recall large chunks of time.

"The reports about me getting into drugs and dog fighting are all true," he said. "One day last spring I decided to visit the campus, I started hitting the blow and smack pretty hard. Next thing I knew I wake up in Mobile bay with a couple of coeds asking me 'Dino, how do we get back to campus?' I flipped a quarter and told them to call the bus company.

"From there I made some rounds. I stopped by Arkansas to see my old friend Razorback. God love 'em, he's a great guy, but dumb as a brick. I managed to convince him that they should hire that prick (Jeff) Long. After that, I went out to Nebraska and hung out with my old buddy Stevie P. When he got canned I bummed a ride from him back to the 'Burgh and here I am."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

DeJuan Blair - Hombre-nino

What can you say about the man-child who roams the floor at the Pete, devouring rebounds like your fat co-worker downs the All-You-Can-Eat Pizza Hut lunch buffet?


Watching Blair play reminds me of this scene of unbridled destruction:

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Panther Rants Presents: Complete Douche-bag of the Week

There is no shortage of candidates for the least prestigious honor on the internet this week. The award could go to fans of that school in Ohio, who likely talked a big game this past week, only to be put in their rightful place last night. It could also go to the coach of that team in Ohio, who with his ridiculous sweater-vest was out-coached by a gigantic white hat. But both of these choices pale in comparison to the winner of this week's award, Fat Ten Commissioner James E Delaney. Why, you might ask, does such an undeserving douche-bag deserve such an honor? Allow us to show you:

Jim Delaney's Open Letter to Fat Ten Fans

Yes, you read that correctly. In the wake of the beating administered by Florida last year, Big Jim penned a letter outright stating that the SEC recruits kids who couldn't cut it academically or socially at Fat Ten universities. Your first reaction was likely outrage at such a bigoted statement. I mean, this is expected from the conference that gives us "White Outs" every year, but you'd never think the freaking commissioner would perpetrate such an act. But there it was.

However, outrage and shock quickly turn to disbelief when you realize that Andy Katzenmoyer attended a Fat Ten institution of higher learning. Yes, Jim Delaney, commissioner of a league that had no problem with Andy Katzenmoyer enrolling in college, had the audacity to insult another athletic league's recruiting practices.

This comes to our attention as that team in Ohio got ass-pounded again last night by an SEC team. How delicious would it have been to be sitting with Mr. Delaney as the best his ridiculously crappy conference could offer got throttled by a team that couldn't escape the SEC without losing 2 games? And this would be enough to slide the voting in commissioner Delaney's favor, until you visit the Fat Ten website. Notice anything that screams ego at you?

Congratulations Jim, you've earned it.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

Pitt beat WVU on December 1, 2007. No, that doesn't tell the whole story. Pitt manhandled WVU on December 1, 2007. That game could have gone on an additional 3 days, and WVU wouldn't have been able to score, so thorough was the domination by the Pitt defense.

Yet, not long after the game, the whispers started. "Pitt won because Pat White was hurt". Yes, Pat White was hurt. Of course, those who whisper conveniently forget that WVU scored their only TD without Pat White, so it wasn't like Pat White was motherfucking Moses out there, leading WVU to the promised land. But gradually, as 2007 turned to 2008, the whispers changed from "Pat White was hurt" to "Patrick White missed more than half the Pitt game because of injuries".

First, Pitt inured his china doll ass. Second, he didn't miss more than half the game. Third, when the hell did he start going by Patrick? A few mistakes with the facts is ok, but last night, watching the Fiesta Bowl, I reached my egregious error limit. Pat Haden, also known as the prissy leprachaun who does Notre Dame games for NBC, said that WVU lost the Brawl because Pat White missed more than half of the game.

Hey Pat, you lazy ass, no research doing grundle. For the last time....PAT WHITE DID NOT MISS MORE THAN HALF THE PITT GAME.

WVU ran 56 offensive plays. Pat White was the QB for 43 of them. Granted, I didn't go to U$C like you did, but I'm fairly certain that 43 divided by 56 equals 0.767. Meaning, Pat White played MORE THAN THREE QUARTERS OF THE OFFENSIVE SNAPS. To further debunk this myth, he hurt his NON-THROWING THUMB. WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO WITH THAT THUMB TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE? HITCH A RIDE TO WHEELING?

Can we please put this unpleasant urban legend to rest now?

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

It All Starts Now

Happy 2008 from everyone at the Rants. We have been lazy of late, but would you expect anything less?

We wanted to present you with this lovely picture of Mr. Harris, hyping up the exciting 2005 Stanford Football season.

Our predictions for the year:
-Wlat gets a job, either as a QB Coach or night Deli manager at Sheetz in Breezewood
-Pitt basketball recovers from injuries and makes another Sweet Wlateen appearance
-Message Board posters continue "Open Letters" to Terrelle Pryor all the way up to signing day, before bashing him incessantly when he chooses to go to tOSU or Michigan
-Another solid recruiting class by Dave Wannstedt leads to even more unrealistic expectations from fans. People hoping for 8-wide sets of Hot Beefy Man Studs or an 8 QB Wildcat set will be disappointed with the standard Pro Style Sets Matt Cavanaugh help LeSean McCoy gain 1,700 yards and lead Pitt to a New Years Day Blow game.

It was the best of was the worst of times

Happy New Year Panther Fans! We here at Panther Rants would like to pass along our best wishes to you and yours for a happy and healthy new year.

This past year was a study in contrasts for Pitt Athletics. Preseason football promise went kaput after injuries to key personnel (Derek Kinder, Chris Jacobson, Gus Mutakas, Bill Stull among others) doomed the season seemingly before it began. However, out of the ashes of Panther Football, 2007, came a few bright spots. LeSean McCoy. The defense. The victory over WVU. All provide a lot of hope for the 2008 campaign.

In hoops, a season that was unsure at the beginning, then as promising as we've ever seen following a victory over Duke, returned to the realm of question marks with the loss of Mike Cook and Levance Fields, the former for the season and the latter for up to 3 months, and shoulder injuries to Gil Brown and Ron Ramon.

Our New Year's Wish for Pitt Athletics is twofold. We wish of course nothing but success for all Pitt athletic teams, however we also hope for the insane, unpredictable, and unexplainable to occur, so that we may continue to provide you with breaking news, hard-hitting analysis, and the very best in satirical Panthers coverage.

In that vein, may we present you with the Panthers' newest fan.

Happy New Year Panther Fans!