Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Pitt Looks Forward to Syracuse

Pittsburgh - The Pitt Panthers lost a heartbreaker last week to Louisville. The team is looking to right the ship on Saturday as they host the Orange from Syracuse. Freshman QB Pat Bostic offered his thoughts. "What the fuck does Orange mean anyway? I went to visit that school and asked everyone; no one knew, not even that dickbag Boeheim. But he has a hot wife so I didn't get too upset."

Pitt running back, Kevin Collier, is from up-state NY and is quite familiar with Syracuse. "Those guys? Oh yeah, everyone knows about them. Pretentious assbags that think they're god's gift to everything, especially journalism. And you can't talk those people out of it - for some reason, they think central New York is relevant and the center of metropolitan life, as if they're a suburb of Manhattan. Nevermind the fact that it's a small, racist, shitty town in the middle of nowhere that's filthy and has zero industry. And they wonder why they can't get decent recruits."

Coach Wannstedt elaborated as well. "Oh yeah, we've got this one in the bag. You guys think I suck? Look at Greg Robinson - you won't find a more incompetent coach in college football, or any college sport. He had 6 guys taken in the NFL draft in 2005. 6! And that won him 1 gat-dam game in the previous fall. Shit - even I can win more than 1 game. Well, besides the '89 Cowboys, that is. Speaking of which..."

At that point we cut off the interview. We just can't another of Dave's crappy stories about the 80's. Fucker has more love for that time than Olivia Newton John, Mr. T, and Flock of Seagulls combined.

We received one more insight from local whacko and our favorite politician, Mark Rauterkus. "Just like my guarantee that I will win every one of the 278 offices I'm running for next week, I'm guaranteeing a Pitt victory on Saturday. Down with the establishment, go Pitt, and fuck PSU!" We love ya, Mark; don't ever change.

Panther Rants: Vote Rauterkus!!!

We at Panther Rants don't regularly dabble in politics - we piss enough people off without getting into real hot-button issues. But when it comes to the race for Pittsburgh City Council and the Controllers Office, we feel it is in the best interest of all Pittsburghers to pull the lever for Mark Rauterkus on Tuesday.

Truth be told, we don't know a damn thing about his politics or what he may or may not do if elected. What we do know is that this Libertarian Party candidate has one hell of a sense of humor. Loyal followers of Panther Rants have probably come to realize that we like to poke fun at Mr. Rauterkus. What we like is how he takes it stride. He gets the joke, which can't be said for the entire state of Kentucky.

So, on Tuesday, when you head out to the polls, pull the leaver for Mark Rauterkus because he's smarter than everyone in Kentucky.

Also at this time, we at Panther Rants would like to extend an invitation to Mr. Rauterkus to join us for a tailgate party prior to Saturday's Pitt vs. Syracuse football game at Heinz Field. We extended the same invitation to former Pitt Head Coach Walt Harris, but sadly we haven't received a response from he who went to bowl games. Hence, Mr. Rauterkus, we have room for one more and would like to rally your cause (OK, we'll really just be drinking beer) during our tailgate party. If you choose to accept, please e-mail us through the site and we will provide the details.

Oh yeah, bring a hoagie ring or something. No one comes empty handed.

More fun with Penn State

Things just aren't looking good up in Slappy Valley these days. Their record against Ohio State and Michigan reached an enimic 8-20 after a 37-17 ass tuning on Saturday. Joe continues to look clueless and conservative in his play-calling. And now, this video posted on YouTube make the "White Out" look like straight up White Trash. Again, our comments are in Bold from the Daily Collegian story.

By Katie Maloney
Collegian Staff Writer
Days after Penn State's football loss to Ohio State, a YouTube video surfaced featuring several men throwing beer cans and yelling obscenities at two Buckeyes fans.

The rear of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, 417 E. Fairmount Ave., is seen in the video. The fraternity's president, Brendan Wilson (junior-management), said he had no comment when reached by phone last night.

The YouTube account name of the user who uploaded the video was "crazysacc," which is also the AOL Instant Messenger screen name of Pi Kappa Alpha Vice President Gaetano Sacco (junior-film).

Boy, Succo, not only is it MENSA-level to film the video in the first place, it's even smarter to post it on YouTube thinking it's cool. I've done a lot of dumb shit in my life, but I've gotten away with most of it because I never broadcast it on the interwebs. And really bright posting it with a screenname that was traceable.

Sacco was reached by cell phone but had no comment.

By last night, all of the videos posted on YouTube by "crazysacc" had been removed, and the account was canceled.

The State College Police Department is investigating the case, but Sgt. Keith Robb, the officer investigating the case, could not be reached for comment.

What is up with that place? Does anyone comment on ANYTHING up there? I'm convinced the stadium could collapse and, standing in front of the rubble, would be a spokesman saying, "nope. Nothing happened. We have no comment."

In the video, two men with red Ohio State jerseys are seen walking
through an alley that passes behind Pi Kappa Alpha. One man became the target of several open beverages thrown from the crowd, but as he walked farther away, one man in a Penn State T-shirt pursued him and continued the attack, encouraged by a chant of "F--- Ohio" before returning to a congratulatory crowd.

A voice in the video can be heard yelling "pike" -- a nickname for the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity.
"You are the man," said a male voice off-camera. "This dude's from Pittsburgh. He doesn't even need to do it, but he does it."

What the hell does that even mean? Not only am I from Pittsburgh, I'm from McKeesport. I don't recall walking down the street and getting busted with a beer can because I had a blue car and my neighbor was a big fan of black.

Tom Poole, associate to the president for administration, said although the university had released no statement, he had responded to e-mails regarding the issue.

"I don't know what can be done about it," Poole said. "People act like fools."

Smartest thing I've read in this article so far.

He said Penn State President Graham Spanier's office had received "an awful lot of mail."

This is a "terrible impression to give the world about Penn Staters," he added.

Spanier said last night he had no information concerning the incident and had not seen the video.

That's it Graham, keep burying your head in the sand. People that couldn't care less about Penn State or football have now seen the video, and you haven't?

Interfraternity Council President Grant Miller (senior-English) also could not give additional information, but said he believes no Penn State student meant to disrespect any Ohio State student.

Lisa Powers, director of public information, said comments had been made to Columbus, Ohio news stations as well as local news.

Powers said she was "disappointed and saddened" by these students' actions that "could give all Penn Staters a bad name."

No, this incident doesn't give Penn State a bad name. Penn State gives Penn State a bad name. Penn State people are happy to tell everyone that they have the greatest fans on earth. How they're loyal, passionate, classy, and have impeccible attendance. "aww, hell, we get more fans for our spring game than most teams get all damn year." It's arrogant. It's annoying. It's obnoxious.

And yet something like this happens and they have absolutely no defense. "but, but, that's just a small group." Yeah, doesn't matter. You're Penn State. You are the EPITOME of class (allegedly). We heard you didn't do things like this.

Welcome to reality Nitters: you, and your football team, are just like everyone else.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Panther Rants learned that Chris Matthews was in town yesterday to do his show, “Hardball”, in Pittsburgh. Chris discussed some issues dealing with Pitt with some special guests. Here’s a sneak peak of what you should see when this show airs:

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! Big trouble in Oakland, the Panthers are back home after the whole ordeal in Louisville, and everyone in Panther World is thinking of Bozik-era paranoia and old-fashioned football with the Big East! Will Pitt hire a new AD? I don't know why I'm asking you! Nobody watches this show anymore - nobody!! I'm out here asking the tough questions, shouting at powerful officials, in short, playing Hardball! But, apparently, America would rather watch Pat O'Brien interview the cast of "Becker" on "Access Hollywood"! Sheep! Baa-aa-aa-aa! You people are sheep! Here to talk about the Pitt situation: Libertarian Mark Rauterkus

Mark Rauterkus: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Next on our list is former Steelers color guy and alcoholic, Myron Cope.

Myron Cope: Yoi! Great to be here, Chris!

Chris Matthews: And finally, Fox 970’s radio host and ten year old girl, Tim Benz

Tim Benz: Now Chris, you know I’m not a ten year old girl!

Matthews: Can it Missy! We’ll start with Myron. Myron, this has been a trying season for the Panthers. Can they claim a bowl game this year or not?

Cope: Bowl game?!? Did you try the Kielbasa sub at Subway!?! Yoi! After, eating one of those, you were decking the halls with Modell’s meatballs! Double Yoi!

Matthews: I have no idea what you are talking about. Mark Rauterkus, Pitt did eventually get the land for the Olympic Sports. How are the Pitt people taking it?

Rauterkus: Well some of the less compassionate alumni and donors feel Pitt wasn’t tough enough. We should have gone on the offensive. The Oak Hill people were upset we wanted the land. I wonder how upset they would be if one of our wrecking balls met their area?

Matthews: Whoa! Not bad, Mark. Tear down Oak Hill! You’re a friggin’ lunatic. I bet you had some hardball!

Rauterkus: We didn’t need to give up any land. What this city needed was months of political tension. We had our chance and lost it!

Benz: Can I say something Chris? The Oak Hill issue is over! Pitt needs to concentrate on hiring an AD, improving football attendance..

Matthews: Zip it, Kermit! Go back to Fraggle Rock! Let us grown ups talk about Politics. Myron Cope, any hope Pitt hires a new AD soon?

Cope: Pitt doesn’t need an AD. What Pitt needs is da magic of da Terrible Towel! Yoi! They need whacked in da fanny like Andy Russell did. (Pulls out terrible towel and waves it) Look at this! You wave this around and good things happen! Hmmm Huh!

Matthews: What the hell is this guy on? Mark, is there any way Pitt can get land for an on-campus football stadium?

Rauterkus: I got two words for you, Chris: Poisonous Snakes. Forget using these things as research. We need to utilize them by dropping them in surrounding areas around Oakland. Pretty soon it will drive those people out and Pitt can claim the land. We won’t just stop there. We’ll keep moving towards downtown and every city neighborhood. We change the city’s name to ‘Nordenberg’. Chancellor Nordenberg appoints me King and everyone is happy.

Matthews: Wow! Tim, does Pitt need snakes to get more land?

Benz: [over banner: "Tim Benz, Very Small Penis”] Chris, that is ludicrous! Pitt does not need poisonous snakes to do all that. This is not 1976. [Banner changes to: "Tim Benz, Has to Sit down To Pee”] People need to understand that Heinz Field.. [Notices Chris laughing at banner] Hey, come on, I can see that! [Laughs]

Matthews: Mark Rauterkus, any final thoughts?

Rauterkus: Chris, there’s 30.000 people that attend Pitt football games. If we’re ever going to boost attendance, Pitt fans and alumni need to have two more children per household. So everyone, get humping!

Matthews: Mark, you’re loud and obnoxious. I love you! You’re great! Myron, anything else to add before we leave?

Cope: (snoring)

Matthews: Tim Benz, what about you?

Benz: Chris...

Matthews: Shut up! You’re dull and you look like a defective Pez dispenser! That’s it for Hardball! See you next time!

Slap 10 - Oct. 30

10. Mike Belotti's wife
We love us some drunk chicks here at Panther Rants. If it weren't for drunk chicks, some of us would never hook up. But Oregon coach Mike Bellotti's wife, Colleen, is a soccer mom loaded up on Jack, apparently. Portland Oregonian columnist John Canzano reported in his blog this week that he was basically assaulted by Ms. Bellotti as she complained about a story canzno wrote about her son getting for drunken driving. Oddly enough, Canzano alleges that Bellotti's wife had a few pops before the encounter.

9. Michigan State
So much for Sparty's new attitude with the hiring of Mark Dantonio and firing of John L. Smith. Michigan State has lost four of its last five (AAAAGAAAAAIN!!!!) and has Michigan coming up this weekend. With the season ending at Purdue and at home against Penn State for the much coveted Land Grant Trophy, Sparty could find itself at 5-7 and out of the post season for another season, which would probably not make this guy very happy.

8. Navy
Not only did the Midslapmen lose to Delaware this weekend, they allowed the Blue Hens to hang 59 on that ass. So much for any hope of Navy upsetting Notre Dame this weekend. And the sad part is that Navy has games remaining with North Texas and Northern Illinois. This stupid team could still qualify for a bowl, with a loss to Delaware. Why? Because they beat Pitt.

7. Tennessee
Make up your damn minds. Either you're a top 25 team of you aren't. Vols beat South Carolina and jump back into the top ten. A week earlier they were smoke by Alabama and fell out of the top 25. Two weeks before that they defeated Georgia to get back IN the top 25. Two weeks before THAT they were humilated by Florida to fall out.....You're like the teenager that can't decide between being inside or outside.

6. Ty Willingham
We like Ty. He seems like a decent enough guy. We've even given him a lot of leeway. Yeah, Washington lost to USC, Oregon and Ohio State, but he didn't have a lot to work with. Washington is still cleaning up from the mess left behind by Rick "World Series of Poker" Neuheisel. But there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for losing to Arizona.

5. Virginia Tech
Congratulations to the Virginia Tech Hokies for yet again showing why many of us giggle when we see your squad ranked in the top 10. Sold out stadium, top 5 opponent, "Enter Sandman," Bud Foster and his "Lunchpail defense," a 10-0 lead late in the fourth...and you completely deuced the bed. Just in time too, Tech. November begins Thursday.

4. Matt Cavanaugh
*sigh* How many times does Pat Bostick have to pass for over 100 yards in a game before you take the kid gloves off? How many times does this kid have to make amazing (by freshman standards) throws like the one Saturday that put Pitt at the 1 yard line before you get it? Then again, you had an offense geared towards throwing the ball with Palko and insisted on trying to run 37 times in the first half in 2005 so we really shouldn't be surprised. Sometimes I swear you're actively trying to get fired.

FUN STAT: Despite the kid gloves treatment, Bostick has thrown for 905 yards in the five games that he's played in. Now, we know damn well that many of those yards were in garbage time when Pitt was getting handled by UVa and Connecticut. But they also consist of all of the two yard bubble screens on third and 15. Bottom line, let this kid throw the damn ball down the damn field.

3. Penn State
ABC was nice enough to show us some rare behind the scenes footage of the Penn State team arriving for its game with Ohio State. While everyone else was probably fixed on Anthony Morelli getting off of the bus and firing up the crowd, we couldn't help but notice the bus itself. Penn State has an athletic budget of something like infinity. They have 21 home football games a season that almost always sell out. They were one of the first schools to sign a contract with Nike...and their team tools to the stadium in the same 1982 Blue Bird school buses that we all took to Falling Water on sixh grade field trips. We can't confirm this, but we're pretty sure that this is the same bus Eddie Murphy was in that flipped over 17 times in Another 48 Hours.

2. Mark Mangino
In the immortal words of Tony Soprano, "I think it's to to seriously consider salads, you fat fuck." Mangino is following the Andy Reid fashion pointers in that black is slimming. The problem is that there is nothing that could make Mangino other than losing about 250 pounds. What's more bizzare is that the outfits are getting more and more outlandish. Two weeks ago, our boy was sporting the black silky bowling shirt. Saturday, Mangino went full blown Vito Spadafore and wore the black velour track jacket. Mangino looked like one of those wanna-be mobsters that hangs out at Penn National Off-Track Wagering all day, smoking Pall Malls and drinking black coffee. And speaking of black....

1. Rutgers
The Rutgers Scarlet Knights debuted an all black uniform Saturday against West Virginia. If you missed it, they looked remarkably similar to Indiana's crap black from that Randal El days, Temple's crap black from the Walter Washington days, or Florida State's crap black from the current "we just wanna bilk more money from our fans" days. If Black's not a part of your school colors (and it's not, Rutgers. It's merely a trim color) you shouldn't be busting it out as a primary uniform color.

And given how fast your stadium cleared out during this blowout loss, I'm guessing we can put any talk of expanding Rutgers Stadium on hold.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Enter The Suckacuse Zone

Hello dejected Panther fans, welcome to the Factor for this Monday, October 29th, 2008. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when the Fighting Ian Eagles come to town. First bit of business, we'd like to thank He Who Went to Bowl Games and Willie Wildcat for serving as guest hosts the past few weeks. However, as K-State is now 5-3, and He Who Went to Bowl Games is no longer involved in the business (but still invited to the tailgate this weekend; drop us a line big guy), it is only fitting that the new host embodies the spirit of Pitt's Mediocre Athletics. And now on to the show. We're going to gloss over last week's loss to Louisville. Suffice to say, it was a scrotum punch game. Ideally it will serve to mature our young backfield, and make them hungrier than Chase Clowser following a Lenten fast. So we will look ahead to the Syracuse Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation, the focus of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.

Syracuse sucks. There, I said it. An institution that produced the insufferable Bob Costas and his omnipresent ego (below right) cannot by definition be of good quality. Hell, his inflated self-worth is more of a danger to the United States than North Korea. First, he doesn't age, so he's going to be terrorizing sports fans until Syracuse football is relevant again (roughly 2074). He's got the Dick Clark gene, which is suspicious in and of itself. But it all boils down to..... he's so smug. So condescending. And so....unbearable. Have you watched 'Football Night in America'? Costas makes Collinsworth seem like a guy you'd have a beer with. That's insane!

And sweet old Bob is just the tip of the insufferable iceberg that is Syracuse alumni. Mike Tirico? What a gigantic phallus. Seriously. How this man ended up with the play-by-play gig on Monday Night Football is beyond me. Cosell would perform more admirably, and he's been dead for 12 years. And his own radio show? Gag us with an Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation stuffed animal. Maybe if Mike spent more time studying his trade and less time sexually harassing Scott Van Pelt and other ESPN personalities, he'd be serviceable. But as this diagram (left) shows, he has less sports knowledge than that dude who comments on celebrity clothing for E!. But it doesn't stop there for Syracuse. Oh no. Jim Brown went there. You know, wife-beating, 'Mars Attacks' pimping, ridiculous hat wearing Jim Brown. Hey Jim, Barry Sanders was better. Stick that in your green hat. And finally, what commentary on the illustrious Syracuse alumni would be complete without the two winners shown below?

There he is, in all his glory, Marv "Rocky Horror Picture Show" Albert. Hey Marv, try biting into a steak, not a woman's posterior. And lastly, for all you Pittsburgh area readers. we leave you with this image:

Screw the Orange. Screw whiny ass Jim Boeheim. Screw Donovan McNabb and his Super Bowl flatulence. Screw Marvin Harrison and his Magnum PI mustache. screw Greg Robinson and his ever present "I just did 12 shots of Patron, bet you can't tell" look. Screw the Carrier Dome, screw those uniforms which make Pitt's look "classic", and lastly, screw you Gerry McNamara. We're out!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

McCoy keeps running, pulls team bus back to Oakland

LOUISVILLE (PR) - Pitt freshman sensation LeSean "Shady" McCoy put together yet another memorable performance against the Louisville Cardinals on Saturday. Despite fumbling on the Louisville 1-yard line late in the game with the score 24-17 Louisville, McCoy still managed to carry Pitt's collectively pathetic offense on his back with 120 yards rushing and a touchdown.

After the game, Strength Coach Buddy Morris saw a perfect opportunity to utilize McCoy's momentum as "Shady" had already started running on I-264. In keeping with his militarisitic, sadistic, and borderline criminal training techniques, Morris strapped McCoy to the front bumper of Pitt's team bus and had him continue running all the way back to the Pitt campus.

"This is what we've been waiting for, a superstar running back," said Morris. "Now I can mold 'Shady' into a crippled quadriplegic with my proven methods." Injured Head Coach Dave Wannstedt echoed Morris' praise. "Ya know, Shady looks a lot like Steve Walsh out there from the '87 Canes...he was a running back, right? Well anyway, Buddy'll have him in a wheelchair of pain soon enough...or maybe he'll just force him into an actual wheelchair. I just know that he was around in the past which means he must know what he's doing. I mean, how much could things change in 20-something years?"

Morris plans to have McCoy pull the team jet as a part of his progressing workouts by December, regardless of the fact that Pitt makes a bowl game or not. "He WILL be pulling that thing over an ice-covered Mt. Washington in the driving snow, and I'll be yelling everything about his mother and how much of a pussy he is until he makes it...and if he breaks his leg, then it proves that he's weak and he'll just haveta run faster."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Pitt gets elusive moral victory, helps Brohm

LOUISVILLE -- Dejected after last week's heartbreaking win against Cincinnati, the Pitt football team rebounded for a 17-24 moral victory Saturday at Chain Pizza Place Stadium.
"It feels great to get this one under our belts. The game had everything we wanted. We fought hard to tie the game...only to give the lead back within about a minute and a half. Then we drove to the one and completely bitched it up. I mean, what more could you ask for?" said Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt.
After trailing 14-0, Pitt (3-5, 1-2) clawed back to tie the game at 17. Louisville then marched down the field in what felt like seven seconds to take a 24-17 lead. Pitt the drove the length of the field to the one-yard-line, but lost the ball when freshman running back LeSeanMcCoy fumbled.
The moral victory was extra special for Wannstedt, who said he was happy for Louisville quarterback Brian Brohm. Brohm completed 21 passes on 30 attempts for 236 yards. Wannstedt spoke glowingly about the senior quarterback after the game and not-so-glowingly about this blog.
"Brian's a 'special' kid, and it was a shame what the guys at Panther Rants put him through this week. We were glad to see him come out and play well," Wannstedt said.

Friday, October 26, 2007


JoePA's Man Yogurt Topping?

On Thursday, Penn State head coach Joe Paterno delivered pizzas to all the people in "Paternoville". Later that day, a riot almost ensued. There were rumors that Paterno and Sue had a sex romp and some of Joe's special olive oil made it on one of the pizzas. Being naive as they are, Penn State fans went around looking for that special pizza. Some fights broke out and lots of marshmallow's were thrown. Panther Rants talked to Penn State AD Tim Curley and here's what he said in a telepathic interview:

"Joe's semen? On a Pizza? Are they nuts? You realize how old the guy is? Actually there's been a misunderstanding. We actually put a serum in the pizza. This is to brainwash our students to think like the rest of the alumni base. After eating the pizza, you think you are better than everyone. You think Penn State is the greatest and everyone else is inferior. One more thing, if you're will hate minorities."

Pitt Loses Radio Station Bid

Pitt recently lost out on a bid for 93.7. Pitt was going to utilize the station to broadcast games for Pitt Football, Basketball, and other athletic events. They were also going to have talk shows, classic broadcasts of some memorable Pitt games, etc. Instead, the station went back to the future and brought back B94 FM. Here's what Coach Wannstedt had to say about it:

"It's a shame that we lost the station, but I'm also happy B94 is back. B94 was an institution in this city. I remember coming home to Pittsburgh in the late 80's. People would sit out in their swimming pool, drinking an Iron City, and listen to that new song Kenny G came out with. It was a great feeling. I may talk to some people and see if we can get 97 Rock back as I miss listening to the "Morning Militia".

Penn State Student Section Honored

The Rainbow Coalition honored the Penn State student section this week. The section dances and cheers to a song called "Zombie Nation" which is popular in gay bars says former Penn State basketball player John Amaechi. This was a big relief to the University as the local KKK was going to honor them for the "white outs" they have been arranging. Here's what Mr. Amaechi had to say about all this:

"I think it's great for the students and the University that they honor gay culture by stripping themselves half naked...painting themselves in white paint...mmmmm........I love that....mmm...oh wait I lost my train of thought. I mean painting themselves in that paint and dancing and cheering to some nice techno......mmmm 18-20 year old boys....half naked....."

PantherRants ended the interview after John started rubbing one off.

Dixon's Newest Class off to Good Start?

Darnell Dodson, the member of Jamie Dixon's recent class, has left Pitt to go to a Junior College. This was due to he couldn't make grades. I mean how dumb do you have to be to not make grades in high school? Seriously, I don't care what his learning capacity is. I mean don't they have wood shop, power& energy, etc? You know those classes where you don't do crap and get a B+? How in hell can't you make grades as an athlete?

Jamie Dixon had this to say:

"If you look at it, we usually have that one guy in our class that doesn't pan out. We had John Degroat, then there was Doyle Hudson, now it could be Dodson depending if makes it back here or not. If he doesn't come back, at least we got it out of our system now so we don't waste time on him later. "

From the Department of Reality

As some have noticed (hi, Louisville and Heiser!), we like to use humor and satire to pick on Pitt, its rivals and other local teams. But sometimes, dammit, the truth is just more interesting. Such is the case with the latest news out of State College that...oh no! Someone vandalized the "Paternoville" sign! Our comments are in Bold.

By Erin Prah
Collegian Staff Writer

Graffiti was found this morning on a homemade Paternoville sign attached to the rock in the center of Gate A at Beaver Stadium.

The white sheet (Insert your own joke. It's too easy), lettered in blue tape to read "Paternoville 2007," was written over with red spray paint to say "border wars, Go Bucks, #1." The word "Paternoville" was crossed out.
The rock and the plaque on it commemorating General James A. Beaver also had some red spray paint on it that had seeped through the sheet.

The Paternoville sheet had been signed by six football players and the Nittany Lion and was going to be auctioned off for the Interfraternity/Panhellenic Council Dance Marathon.

Further proof that Penn State people are certifiable. Who the hell in their right mind buys this thing? And what the hell do you do with it when you do? Frame it and put it in your game room so you can try to explain to your non PSU Kool-Aid sipping relatives why you dropped $250 on a bedsheet?

Paternoville campers said they believe the sign was written on between the hours of 4 and 6 a.m. They filed a report with Penn State Police around 10 a.m. today.

University police Lt. Bill Moerschbacher said there are no suspects yet, and the incident is still being investigated.

Oh thank God. Please, catch these bastards. Forget about anyone who mugs, or rapes or drives drunk. Please pour all law enforcement resources into finding the culprits who vandalized a soaking wet bedsheet.

Lance Gawel (senior-information sciences and technology) took down the sign from the rock, bundled it up and stuck it in his group's tent.
Paternoville residents taped a new sign to the rock written in black and red marker that read "got class?"

That's a very good question. Do any of these "students" have classes this week? They've been camping out for a week. I hear a lot about school spirit, but it seems to be centered more on the "spirit" and less on the "school." Then again, didn't we all know that most people go to Penn State solely for football? I mean, beyond the football and great hotel and restaurant management major program, is there ANYTHING offered at this school that couldn't be obtained somewhere else, like Gannon?

Paternoville camper T.J. Jastrem (senior-landscape contracting) said he was the first camper to see the red graffiti.
"I got up at six and was the first to see it," he said. "It's really ballsy (you allow "ballsy" to appear in your student newspaper? I thought that this was one of the great student newspapers in the free world). I almost feel like we should keep it up and rally the troops with it."

Yes, rally the troops. I can hear Paterno now. "They might be bigger than us. They might be faster than us. They're ranked higher than us. But no one - and I mean NO ONE - comes into OUR HOUSE and vandalizes OUR $6.99 100-thread count Wal-Mart bedsheet!"

Leigh Ann Oleykowski (senior-public relations), who had made the "Paternoville 2007" sign and put it on the rock on Tuesday, said she wanted to take it down.

"I say take it down. It's embarrassing," she said.

It's a bedsheet

Gawel said he felt the same way.

"It's such a bummer," he said. "Everyone looks at it, and it makes them sad."

It's a bedsheet, you morons!!!!!!

Oleykowski said they will make another Paternoville sign.

The official Paternoville banner, hanging by the ticket booth rails, remains unscathed.

Butt Rock Friday - Kentucky Edition

Elvis was fat. Elvis was a drunk. Elvis was a cokehead. Elvis became famous by ripping off the singing and gyrations of blacks. Elvis would get angry and shoot the television (okay, we must admit. This one in pretty cool). In short, Elvis was a fat, disgusting slob who died dropping a deuce.

And Elvis performed a song about Kentucky. See a connection? We sure as hell do.

Panther Rants News and Notes

BLACKSBURG, Va. -- Sources close to Virginia Tech and Panther Rants have confimed that VT defensive coordinator Bud Foster has been given a new lunch pail for his "Lunch pail defense."

The new pail (pictured right) is in response to the Tech D's candy-assed performance against No. 2 ranked Boston College Thursday night. With Tech ahead 10-0 late in the fourth quarter, the defense allowed Boston College to score two late touchdowns to secure a 14-10 win. The defense was also a non-factor in September's blowout loss to LSU.

Another rumor circulating is that Foster is also being asked to shave off his Jim Rome-look alike prison pussy goetee so that he will appear "softer" on the sidelines, just like his unit's coverage was last night.

BOSTON -- Despite BC's big road win against Tech, no one in New England cared.

Probably because no one in New England watched. Overnight Neilsen ratings showed that the game scored a .001, meaning one poor bedridden bastard at a Massachusetts VA Hospital was forced to watch the game because his nurse call button was broken. Conversely, game two of the World Series between the Boston Red Sox and Colorado Rockies drew a 17 share. Re-runs of Cheers scored a .3.2. Re-runs of the New Yankee Workshop brought in a 1.1 share.

Interestingly, the Cartoon Network Adult Swim show "Squidbillies," which airs at midnight on the east coast, more than tripled the ratings for the Boston College game.

PITTSBURGH -- University of Pittsburgh head coach Dave Wannstedt spoke Friday about his game plan for stopping the Cardinals.
"Well, you gotta' keep the speed guys like Willie McGee and Vince Coleman off of the bases. They can make a walk feel like a triple with their ability to steal bases. And you really have to be careful how you pitch to guys like Tommy Herr and Jack Clark," Wannstedt said.
Wannstedt then went on to praise the coaching of Whitey Herzog and Red Schoendist before being reminded that, not only was the reporter asking about the Louisville Cardinals, but that most of the players Wannstedt was alluding to hadn't been with the St. Louis Cardinals for 15 years.
"Oh, man time flies huh? LaSorda still manages the Dodgers though, right?" Wannstedt said.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Cincinnati inks deal to be "new BC."

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Insider sources have confirmed that University of Cincinnati has signed a 10-year contract to be Pitt's "new Boston College."

"This is an ideal situation for us since it's now apparent that we can't beat Pitt when we're ranked or when both teams suck royally, kinda' like Boston College," said Bearcats head coach Brian Kelly in a telepathic interview.

Cincinnati lost to Pitt 24-17 Saturday afternoon at Heinz Field. The Panthers have a 7-0 all-time record in the series against the Bearcats.

The Eagles have a 13-16 all-time record against the Panthers, including losers of four of the last five games. The two teams have not met since 2004, BC's last season in the Big East before bolting to the Atlantic Coast Conference. Pitt won the final meeting between the two teams 20-17 in overtime in a season when Boston College was expected to win the conference championship.

Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt was elated by the news.

"This is a tremendous load off of our shoulders. Cincinnati brings a lot more to the table than BC ever did. For starters, they have more than 19 fans. Secondly, we don't have to deal with that pretentious New England crap. And Katt Williams is 10 times funnier than that no-talent hack, Dane Cook. Lastly, I'll take Pete Rose over Wade Boggs every day of the week," he said.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Pantherrants Interviews South Park Creators

Hollywood, CA - Pantherrants had a brief opportunity to discuss South Park with creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

PR: "Hello guys, we love the show. Our favorite character is Timmy. Can you tell us the inspiration?"

SP: "Oh yeah, sure. We wanted to base one of the guys on Brian Brohm. We just had to bring to life a character that was both retarded, always hurt, unable to speak correctly, and with no mobility. Timmy was born literally a few minutes later."

Brohm Comes Forward

Louisville, KY - Pantherrants sat down with UL quarterback, Brian Brohm. We were able to discuss his motivation for staying for his senior season. "I tote the company line with all the local folks. They think so highly of me that I don't want to let them down." Brohm publicly stated last year that he was going to forego the riches of the NFL to help his team win a national championship.

"I knew we'd never win a championship with a new coach. And who cares anyway? There really are several reasons I stayed. The first is that all the Brohm's peak at age 21. Like my bitch-ass dad and brother, there's no hope for me in the NFL. It's just not in our genetic structure to do anything of consequence after age 21."

Brohm continued, "Another reason is just straight up fear. I was born in Louisville, went to high school here, and now college. I'm scared to death to stop suckling from daddy's teat. Plus, my mom is here to wash my sandy vag, go shopping, and all other kinds of things us girls do. To be perfectly honest, the NFL is hard. There are big guys there that will take advantage of a young girl like me. I want to stay here at UL where I'm beloved and can do no wrong. If the people here see I have a weakness, it will be just one more hit on their pathetic, boring, and idiotic lives. It's all they have. Everyone with a brain knows U of Kentucky is way better than this shithole but any glimmer of the better life I can give them is what I'll do."

Brohm then stopped the interview to call his boyfriend and bitch at him for not being sensitive to his needs.

Continuing. "Oh, by the way, I LOVE your shoes, Mr. Reporter guy. Did you get them on sale? Oh my god - they are SOO cute!" At this point, we concluded the interview by helping Brohm fix his lipstick.

Brohm Playing With Injury

Louisville - University of Louisville released the injury report for Saturday's game against Pitt. Coach Kragthorpe commented. "Almost everyone on the team is healthy. As usual and for the 30th consecutive week, starting QB Brian Brohm is listed as 'Probable.'"

Kraghthorpe discussed the senior quarterback's ailment. "Brian continues to suffer from a sandy vag. His pussy has been stinky and sore for the better part of 4 years now after he got some sand down there a few years ago. He's doing all the rehab he can but at the end of the day, girl power usually gets him in the frame of mind to rub some Robitussin on that thing and get out there."

Brohm continued. "It's not easy playing football with a stinky vag, let alone a very sandy one. It chaffes, gets into my panties, and just causes a bad odor. Sometimes the lineman won't even get into the huddle with me. I've gotten massages and other therapies, including pedicures, a full make-over, and even a spa day with the girls. But my sandy vag just won't get better. Nonetheles, I'll be there and ready for game time on Saturday. You can count on it, girlfriend."

Brohm, considered a potential first round draft choice, has seen his stock drop since it was discovered that the whiny little bitch can't ever stay healthy and is in fact, a female.

Panther Rants to Originate from College GameDay

OAKLAND (PR) – With ESPN's College GameDay being broadcast live this weekend from State College, Panther Rants will be sending a crew of one to cover the event.

We are looking for sign suggestions that you will be able to see on television, assuming our crew is sober enough to attend and not get kicked out. Post your wants and needs within this article's comments.

Panther Rants Presents "The Truth: Louisville"

Crappy Valley

Penn State is a giant toilet.

We always knew this to be the case, both in the aesthetic and psychological we have scientific, fiduciary, gathered facts to prove it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Louisville Hates America

We at Panther Rants are saddened to report that the University of Louisville, like everyone who opposes the war, hates America.

We received an e-mail earlier this evening from from Jim Snyder, publisher of the Pantherlair, the Pitt site on the Rivals network. Jim is also known to most Pitt fans as the spineless choad who wouldn't stand up to renowned recruiting idiot Mike Farrell to save Jason Pinkston's missing star.

Snyder informed us that he was contacted by the University of Louisville asking that he use whatever influence he has (read as "none") to convince us to remove a joke posted here yesterday about Cardinals QB Brian Brohm. Thinking that we have WMDs (that's right, we have 'em, they're not in Iraq), Snyder also took occasion to condemn our actions.

We at Panther Rants find it downright frightening to learn that one of our institutions of higher learning has no qualms with attacking the most important of our fundamental rights as Americans - freedom of speech. The founding fathers of this great nation felt so strongly about this fundamental right that it was made the First Amendment to our Constitution. Louisville apparently skipped right over No. 1 when reading the Constitution. This action convinces us that the University of Louisville is a fascist organization which hates America and is bent on destroying its very foundations.

What is even more troubling to Panther Rants is the individual at the center of this issue - Tom Heiser, who describes himself as a "Louisville-born and a lifelong U of L fan. I'll be providing opinion and analysis of upcoming opponents, and discussing the team's play and other hot-button issues." Heiser (which, coincidentally, sounds pretty Aryan - sig heil), has some sort of little blog attached to the Web site of The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal. He's the one who initially took exception with something posted on Panther Rants.

We're not certain whether or not Heiser is a working journalist with the Courier-Journal. Frankly, we're praying that he's not. If he is, it's a sad day for American journalism when one of its own turns on the very same First Amendment that guarantees they can do their job without fear of reprisal.

We at Panther Rants are taking the stance that we will not change or remove the content in question. We are patriots and we will stand up for our rights as Americans. While we do not believe there is anything inherently humorous about Down's Syndrome, we do believe in our rights as Americans.

If we back down here, where does it end? When will the University of Louisville and Heiser be satisfied? Will pollsters have to rank them in the Top 10 to avoid offending Louisville's fans? Will Panther Rants have to avoid jokes about the toothless populous of Kentucky? Will Heiser be named the new Kaiser?

No, Panther Rants fans, we will not back down. We must not and we can not if only for principle and the sanctity of what we all believe in as Americans.

God Bless Panther Rants. God Bless America. God Bless Wlat.

First Amendment Attack!

Panther Rants, your one source for humor regarding Pitt Athletics, is under attack for a posting made yesterday. the post was so out of line, that Tom Heiser at the Louisville Courier-Journal said the following:

"I should come clean that the heinousness of this remark especially offends me because my 4-year-old son has Down syndrome; were that not the case I could just step back and say, with cold detachment, that such a vile comment has no part in any discussion of Brian Brohm's performance this year or during stellar career as a Cardinal."

Basically, he wouldn't be offended if it didn't affect him personally. Loyal Rants readers, I believe that is all I need to present to you, and thus I personally consider this matter closed.

Dave Wannstedt Press Conference

Coach Wannstedt and the troops emerged victorious this past Saturday with an upset win over the ranked Cincinnati Bearcats. The Panthers ended their four game skid and hope to make the Louisville game a close one this time around. Panther Rants was there to catch the press conference from Joe Mama's in Oakland. Here's what the 'Stache had to say.

On the win over Cincinnati:

It was a great win for this team and the program. I figured we were bound to win a game sooner or later. A lot of people were wondering what this team's mindset was coming into this game, but come on! It's freaking Cincinnati! It was not like we were playing Ohio State or the Buffalo Bills. We got five games left and this win sets up well for our game against Syracuse. McCoy and Larod stepped up big and Tamarcus Porter showed us how useless Marcel Pestano can actually be at times. We even got the endzone pass to Strong right. I told you we practiced those types of passes. They just need to be executed.

On the performance of the defense:

I sat in the booth for the game and watched Ben Mauk and the Bearcats offense run all over us for a touchdown on the first drive. Looking at our defense from the booth, I thought to myself: "HAVE YOU REALIZED WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!?" I don't know if it was being high off the painkillers, but we made some adjustments this time around. What amazed me and the staff is that it actually worked! If it didn't work, there was nobody in the stands left in this game to boo.

Coaching from the booth:

I didn't really do much coaching after the adjustments. I let Matt and Paul do their thing as I watched reruns of WKRP. Preparing for this game reminded me of that show and I let some of their players watch it to get hyped up. It doesn't beat WDVE in Pittsburgh, but it's close. Other than that, I enjoyed a nice fish sandwich and an IC Light as the game went on. I figured sooner or later some team would not bother to show up against us.

On the game against Louisville:

This game plan on defense worked against Cincinnati, but I'm not sure it will work again. Just to be safe, we're gonna sit back and let Brian Brohm pick us apart. We'll have our linebackers cover receivers, let the running backs gain five yards a pop, and the whole nine yards...pardon the pun. If that doesn't work, maybe we'll make some adjustments again. Until then, we have the River City Rivalry trophy to cherish. At least we're taking some type of hardware home.

Slap 10 - October 23

Here are some things that caught our attention during this past weekend of college football.
10. ABC/ESPN - The love affair between these guys and the Fat 10 just keeps on truckin'. Purdue and Iowa on ESPN2. Penn State and Indiana on ESPN. Michigan State and Ohio State on ABC at 3:30 and Michigan and Illinois in primetime on ABC. That's eight teams on television in an 11 team conference. Someone please explain to me the motivation to buy the Fat 10 Network again?

9. Ron Zook - Since we were stuck watching this game anyways, is there is less disciplined team in college football than Zook's? One guy hit a guy when he was a good four feet out of bounds. Another guy tackled a guy using his facemask. And of course the fumbled punt that led to a touchdown. Zook's team could be worthy of playing at 8 PM on a Saturday night on ABC, but with the stupid penalties they're merely Iowa with talent.

8. Big East Referees - We've long contended that Big East officating is the worst in division 1 football. Probably because Mike Tranghese just hires the basketball refs to do football as well. But this past weekend was disgraceful. We can live with the punt return being run back for a touchdown being overturned in the Rutgers -South Florida game. We could even maybe live with the pass interference all at the end of the game. But how can you miss a kid waving for a fair catch and bolting for the endzone? And what is the point of having a replay booth if all plays can't be reviewed? You mean I have to sit there for 10 minutes while you determine whether a kid landed in bounds but we can't rewind the tape to see if a kid waved his arms? Stupid.

7. Tennessee - So the Vols get pummeled by Cal and drop out of the top 25. They beat three straight scrub teams and climb right back in, only to get pounded and humilated by Alabama Saturday. Of course, they'll probably debut at 20th again in two weeks after convincing wins over Louisiana-Lafayette and Arkansas, only to drop out again after losses to Vanderbilt and Kentucky. Why not cut out the middle man and put 'em where they belong? Out of the polls for good.

6. F$U and Miami - Not that anyone would notice, but these two played a game this weekend. Not that you would notice, but Miami won. Not that you would possibly care, but Paterno is now within one win of Bowden's career victory total. The only good thing about F$U is that they occasionally show this skank on television.

5. Minnesota and Tim Brewster - Brewster said all the right things when he replaced Glen Mason in January. He talekd of building Minnesota into a BCS championship contender. Everything he's done since, however, has stunk out loud. Brewster openly complained about having North Dakota State on the Gophers schedule and lamented what it does for recruiting. Last week, he referred to NDSU as "the little guys in green." Well, Tim, if they're little, what the hell is your team? NDSU brought more fans to the Metrodome and scored more points Saturday. Add in the loss to Florida Atlantic and ya gotta question what the hell this guy is doing.

4. Temple - Break up the friggin' Owls, man. Temple's won three in a row. Being that we're Pitt fans, we can kinda' sympathize with Temple and their crap situation. No stadium. Few fans. We have drunken yinzers saying, "yinz gawn dahn nere fern ahhrn?" and they have Bill Cosby saying, "Coohie goo, skiddly dee." Very similar, indeed. That said, good job, Owls. Maybe Al Golden can get that shipwreck moving again afterall.

3. Holly Rowe - Holly is fat. Holly is not very attractive. And Holly, apparently, can't pay attention. Her question to Les Miles after LSU's dramatic win over Auburn, "coach what were you thinking after you called timeout?" Huh? The outrage was in the fact that Miles DIDN'T call timeout. Miles didnt even consider calling a timeout. You could even argue that Miles was thinking at all. Apparently, Holly wasn't either.

2. WVU - When Cal debuted the yellow jerseys last year in a game with Oregon it was cool. When WVU did it Saturday against Mississippi State it was straight up copying. I guess it wasn't bad enough to rip off Cal's uniform design four years ago, you had to take the exact same jersey and pant color scheme. So you steal Cal's uniforms, hire a drunk for a basketball coach that has a graduation rate of negative 70-percent and claim Pac Man Jones as an alum. Have you people no shame?

1. Notre Dame - Saturday was time for the annual "Same Old Tired Crap Game." Ohh no, they're busting out the GREEN JERSEYS. Ohh no, they held a pep rally the night before the game. Ohh no, they showed Digger Phelps screaming at the pep rally. Oh no, Southern Cal beat that ass again, 38-0. Hey Irish, stop with the crap. Seriously. You're better than this. There is no magic in those jerseys. In fact, we can't even remember the last time you won in them.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Enter the Irrational Exuberance Zone

Welcome overjoyed Panther fans, to the Factor for this Monday, October 22nd, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when we are about to whoop some Bearcat ass. As many of you who still follow this team are aware, Pitt defeated the University of Cincinnati Fighting Blackwater USA's 24-17 in front of literally thousands of screaming Panther fans at Heinz Field on Saturday. The victory, the first over a ranked team, and first as an underdog, in Dave Wannstedt's tenure, may mark a turning point in the season for the young Panthers. Solid offensive line play paved the way for two 100-yard rushers in LeSean McCoy and LaRod Stephens-Howling, and quarterback Pat Bostick was sacked just once. Additionally, the Panthers committed just one turnover against the ball-hungry Bearcats, who came into the game leading the nation in turnovers forced. Perhaps most impressively, Pitt overcame a 7-point halftime deficit in acheiving victory. But now, much like Justin Timberlake did to Britney, we must put Cincy in the rearview mirror and focus on this week's opponent, the Louisville Cardinals, the object of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.

The Louisville Cardinals, led by first-year coach Steve Caveman Kragthorpe, come into this week's game fresh off of a loss on the road to the UConn Huskies. The Cardinals, a pre-season top-10 team, have struggled to a 4-4 record with embarassing losses to Utah, Syracuse, and UConn this year. Their once high-powered offense has been reduced to Jack Nicholson aged impotency, scoring just 28 and 17 points in their last two games. Many have questioned the wisdom of Brian Brohm returning to school to lead this ragtag group of miscreants, however one look at his down syndromish face gives you all the information you need to understand that particular decision. Seriously, was his mother drinking moonshine during the entire 9 months she was pregnant, or just the first two trimesters?

We here at the Factor were encouraged by the defensive performance of your Pitt Panthers on Saturday, providing hope that the Cardinals just might not return to their Houston Cougarish days on offense this weekend. And Louisville's sieve defense offers more opportunity for growth for the young skill players on the Panther's offense. It is possible LeSean McCoy could get to 1,000 yards on the season this weekend, as he's at just a shade over 800 currently.

In any event, make sure you're sitting in front of your TVs 90 minutes before kickoff this weekend, and cheer your BCS-bound Panthers as they take on the fighting Cavemen. And check back frequently this week as Panther Rants provides the hard-hitting analysis you need to make your college football weekend enjoyable.

Another Fine NTAC moment for Oderick

Pittsburgh, PA (PR) In what has become a norm for the Pittsburgh Panthers, Oderick Turner has added more to his already full list of No Talent Ass Clown Moments. During Pitt's game vs the vaunted Bearcats of Cincinnati, our NTAC hero had at least two. What are these moments one may ask? They include dropped TD passes (Michigan St), not running the proper routes(Cincinnati, UVA, hell every game this year) Jogging certain routes, back to back false start penalties (UConn) and all kind of sideline buffoonery with his team down by 30 against UCONN and UVA.
This week, Turner ran another wrong route that ended in an interception for Pat Bostick. But, the real gem came after he caught a 2-Point conversion. Oderick was flagged for taunting his own student section by putting the finger to his mouth as a silence or shhhhh gesture. A 15 yard penalty ensued backing our already poor special teams back to the 20 yard line for a kick off.

So we are giving a Real Men of Genius Tribute to you, Oderick Turner. We raise our Pint of Budweiser to you, Mr., Taunting the wrong section, after a score in your own stadium, guy!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pitt Fans Put Cincy Win in Perspective

Pittsburgh - Pitt football fans are rejoicing the team's victory over the Bearcats. "Oh man, this team really showed me something," exclaimed one message board poster. "This is just the tip of the iceberg." Similar sentiments are being echoed around town and the internet. One commentator stated, "We've only got 1 loss in conference, just behind UConn. Anything can happen. After watching our guys against Cincinnati, I think there's a good chance, I mean, a REAL good chance we finish strong and get to the BCS game."

Other fans expressed similar optimim after this weekend's win. "If you would have told me that at this point in the season Pitt would be 3-4 after beating Cincinnati at home, I would have been ecstatic. We're obviously right on schedule. Hold that thought - we're AHEAD of schedule. This win shows the improvement that I just knew Wannstedt would get out of these guys. And with Buddy Morris' training, the players are just going to get stronger as the season progresses. And you know our opponents will get worn down. I predicted 8-4 before the season and it's playing out just as I knew it would. We're easily looking at returning to the BCS or at least the Gator."

Joe Adams from Blawnox provided more insight. "Frankly, this is what I expected with a young team - start slow and get better as the season goes on. We Pitt fans are always quite practical in our assessments. A good game usually leads to bigger and better things. It's very unlike Pitt to have a good game and follow it up with a poor performance. Momentum is obviously building and the guys are finally buying into Wannstedt, Rhoades, and Cavanaugh's plan. We're riding this wave all the way to the conference championship and the first of Shady's three consecutive Heisman's."

Pitt looks to continue it's consistent progress on Saturday at Lousiville.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Panthers dejected after missing out on morale victory

BLAWNOX -- Many Pitt football players remained mingling on the field and in the locker room after Pitt lost out on a morale victory by defeating Cincinnati 24-17.
"These kids are heartbroken right now. They did everything that they could to pull it off but it just wasn't meant to be, I guess," said Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt.
Pitt spotted the Bearcats (6-2, 1-2) an early 10-0 lead and then clawed back to tie the game in the second quarter. Cincinnati regained the lead when Doug Jones rushed into the endzone from three yards out to make the score 17-10 heading into halftime. From there, many Pitt players thought the morale victory was theirs.
"This is a ranked team and we were almost lost losing to them. It was aweome," said runningback Larod Stevens-Howling. "Then we took the lead and it's like, 'the hell's this."
The Panthers scored 14 unanswered points in the second half to take a 24-17 lead. Cincinnati had an opportunity to tie the game but quarterback Ben Mauk was intercepted late in the fourth quarter. The actual victory was Pitt's first over a ranked oppenent since Dave Wannstedt took the job.
"We would have liked the morale victory, but this is just as good, I guess. The good news is that we have another shot next weekend on the road against a Louisville team that we expect to be heavily favored," Wannstedt said.

You can't just walk into the 'Burgh and expect to take this thing home

Pitt was once again able to maintain control of college footballs 37th most coveted rivalry trophy.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Waltvitation Update - Week Two

Two weeks have passed since we extended an invitation to He Who Went To Bowls to join us for the Syracuse tailgate and we still have not received an RSVP. Well we know damn well that he's been seen out and about. Just this week someone mentioned on a message board that Walt was at the Fox Chapel game watching his good friend, Brian Deal. We find it inexcusable that Walt can find three hours to go to a high school football game but can't make his way to internets and bang out an e-mail to us.
The good news, however, is that we think we're getting warmer. Just this week we received the following at
Leave problems with penis size for losers

"Jerry O. Myrick"

9:38 pm (3 hours ago)
Finally you will never have a problem with your size any more.We have a solution that will make all your 'se^xual dreams real. Forget what you've known before. The new era for you is here!Women will love you! Friends will be jealous! And you will Finally your new life! Like a real man with a real penis!Discover MegaDik and enjoy your new size!

Folks, if a SPAM ad for "Megadik" (you can't make this stuff up) isn't an omen for whether Walt will show or not, I don't know what is. In the meantime, someone please pass on the link below to He Who Went To Bowls and tell him to RSVP. The Stoney's and Giant Eagle-brand hot dogs aren't gonna' buy themselves.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Navy Loss Explained

Blawnox - Pantherrants was called to the home of Pitt fan Henry Marzinski's home in Blawnox to discuss the recent Navy loss. Mr. Marzinki explained that Coach Wannstedt, Darrell Strong, McCoy, or Bostick had nothing to do with the loss. "It's all my fault, ALL MY FAULT," the long-time Pitt fan explained. "I just had to eat the wings. Couldn't stop myself."

When pressed for an explanation, Marzinski continued. "Any time I take off my lucky Zubaz, something bad happens. It started after work at the bar. It's happy hour; yinz know what I'm talking about. I git to eatin' some wings, which always gives me heartburn and sometimes the shits. Yinz know what I mean? So there it is, double over-time and I gotta hit the head. I run to the crapper just as we got dahn to the 2 yard line. I took off my zubaz to do my business. I come back and we lost."

Mr. Marzinski finished up. "Now I can't be sure and it probably means nothing, but so help me God, my turd looked just like VegasPanther/Brian01/Ironsworks. And I'm not into that voodoo stuff neither but who knows, ya know? Oh, and a big shout out to Donny working the counter dahn at Pep Boys. I told ya I'd get your name in print!"

Pitt Summons Catholic Church

Pittsburgh - Pitt Chancellor, Mark Nordenberg, reached out to the Diocese of Pittsburgh today. "We have formally begun discussions with Bishop Zubik to help Pitt football. After 25 years of mediocrity, we thought it was a just a lack of competence as to why our team sucked. But starting mid-season last year, we've lost countless players to season-ending injuries, including starters at QB, OL, DL, WR, and DE. I became to be very concerned after the loss to Uconn at home. Once we lost to Navy, at home, on a Wednesday night, I knew this was no ordinary poltergeist. Coach Wannstedt tearing his Achilles was the final straw."

Bishop Zubik elaborated. "I am quite concerned that Pitt football is possessed not only by a lesser demon, but by Satan himself. The cause can be a myriad of things. We will have to perform a full investigation. There are many remedies, the most severe of which would be an exorcism."

Asked about the reason for the team's demonic possession, the Bishop continued. "We're certainly in the preliminary stages of this inquiry. However, my initial ideas center around the Jews. Now don't get offended at that - I'm Catholic so it's just standard practice to blame them. My other suspicions lie with Coach Sherrill on November 28th, 1981. I've heard that the Coach, desperate for a win over PSU, sold Pitt's soul to the devil for a win that day. Immediately afterwards, Hugh Green got screwed out of the Heisman and Sherrill quickly ran out of town. If this is true, it would be represent a long and entrenched possession. My other idea is there are multiple demons at work, mostly being summoned by young co-eds on Halloween. The students reportedly stand in front of mirrors repeating, "Jock Sutherland" three times. Coach supposedly appears, very angry, seeking his vengeance on his old team. As I stated, I can't be sure yet but I can be certain that it will be the hardest case we've seen in the US since that whole Red Sox thing got resolved."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dave Wannstedt Press Conference

Monday was that time of the week for the Dave Wannstedt press conference. Dave spent the time fielding questions about the Navy game and the upcoming game against Cincinnati. Pitt has lost four in a row, and the end of their losing streak doesn't seem to be in sight. Where there is negativity, there's always that little ray of positivity. Panther Rants was there to cover the press conference after from Elijah Fields' dorm room.

On the loss to Navy:

I felt we played a good game overall. Navy will always be a tough opponent. I remember playing them in the 70's. Johnny Majors, Jimmy Johnson, Carl DePasqua, Jackie know the drill. I mean there were a lot of positives to take from this game. One, we scored 45 points on offense. We ran the ball at will, and Pat right now is reminding me of young Jay Fiedler. On defense, we're still having some issues with execution. We figure for as small as Navy were, they would wear themselves out as well. It almost happened a few times when we made some stops. We just couldn't stop them from going in the endzone.

On the defense:

There's nothing wrong with the defense. It's just execution. We're doing a lot of good things on this defense. Why are you guys looking at me like that? Okay...Okay, we have a lot of issues on defense. We're not tackling well, covering receivers well, forcing turnovers...hell we're not doing a damn thing. So maybe we might tweak it a bit. Then again when we blitz, we give up big plays. When we don't, we give up 6-8 yards at a time. Sometimes we get lucky and they'll punt the ball. It's the lesser of the two evils. I don't know. I'm stumped on this one. Anyone got any ideas?

On Depth Chart Changes:

I remember our first Super Bowl year in Dallas, Jimmy cut some players who weren't performing well to send a message to the team right before we headed to the playoffs. Curvin Richards was one of them. I wanted to use him at linebacker, but Jimmy told me I should stop hanging out with Michael Irvin. Once I did, I understood his point. I won't do the same like we did in Dallas. Everyone needs a chance. Mike Phillips and Erick Thatcher are seniors. I figured sooner or later, they'd learn how to cover someone. Same with Kennard Cox. He only plays so far off his receiver just to be fair. I mean that's a good sportsmanship right there.

On the upcoming game against Cincinnati:

I think we have a good shot at this one. We've won the last two against them. We want to keep the River City Trophy here. Cincinnati does have a good team, but they're playing at Heinz. Cincinnati teams don't have much luck here. We're going to stick to our game plan of offense. LeSean should be well rested after the workout he had last game. I didn't give him the ball on that last overtime drive because I wanted him well rested for next game. As for the defense....we plan to......wait a minute! Where did everyone go? The room emptied already????

Reaction mixed on Pederson's Possible Return

Bud Linkman is ecstatic over the possibility of Steve Pederson returning to Pitt.

President and CEO of Bud's Helium Emporium in Bellevue used to receive a steady business from Pitt when Pederson, who was fired Monday by Nebraska, was the athletic director at Pitt. The inflatable "bubble boy," large inflated number 12 jersey and countless other stupid shit items provided a steady income to Linkman during football season. But since Pederson left, business has fallen off.

"I'd gladly welcome the guy back," Linkman said in a telepathic interview. "I'm sure he'd bring back Bubble Boy and some other crap that costs the school money that no one really cares about."

Chas Bonasorte concurs with Linkman.

Oakland's favorite knock-off t-shirt vendor said that Pitt's introduction of "Throwback" gear by Adidas has taken a large chunk of his revenue away. Once upon a time, if one wanted an authentic "Mike" script sweatshirt they went to Chas and Chas only. Now, he has competition, and feels that Pederson would take care of this immediately.

"Stevie would be so pissed if he knew they were selling script stuff again. He hated the script, he told us that the script was associated with losing. Of course, what the hell is the new stuff associated with," Bonasorte asked.

Myron Sanders of the southcentral North Carolina Pitt Club said that he and his wallet would welcome Pederson back, as would many of the 17 members of his club. He said that he grew tired of being asked for donations long ago and feel that things would go back to where they were under the first Pederson regime at Pitt.

"Ever since Steve left, these people have been asking us to donate money. Steve never did that. Steve never asked us for anything. Steve never even said hello, unless we owned a company," Sanders said.

Seventies funk band Kool and the Gang leader singer Kool also said that he'd welcome Pederson back, adding that he hasn't had a gig since the post-game concert after Pitt's home opener against East Tennessee State in 2001.

"I'm ready, and I know Wannstedt's ready too. Just look at him. You know he knows all the damn words to our songs," Kool said.

Not everyone, however, was raving about Pederson's possible return.

"Oh &^%$ me, you can't be serious," said Michael Boumerman, a Tacoma businessman and former co-director of the Seattle Bowl. Boumerman said that he dreads the possible return of Pederson and possible return of honoring bowls for no good reason on the field. Boumerman said that he will change his phone number should Pederson get the job.

"Fly 3,000 miles from Sea-Tac to Pittsburgh to stand on the field for 30 seconds and watching this clown smile? No way," Boumerman said.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Slap 10 - October 15

Another week of college football and another week of random thoughts because of it.

10. Central Florida
Every year we hear about stupid schools that should be invited to join the Big East an central Florida is usually at the top of this list. We hear about UCF's 719,000 students, its location in Orlando and its new on-campus stadium that seats rouhly 700 people.
What we never hear, however, is about how UCF completely sucks at football, aside from a couple of seasons when they had Dante Culpepper. Maybe now, after South Florida's 64-12 ass-tuning of UCF we will.

9. Nebraska
Congratulations on becoming the Pitt of the Big XII as many fans were seen heading back to their RVs at halftime as Oklahoma "I'M A MAN" State built a 38-0 halftime lead en route to a 45-14 whoppin'. Of course, the common denominator in all of this is that Mr. Bubble Boy himself, former Pitt AD Steve Pederson, is now at NU. Much like Jeff Long, Pederson fired a coach who was liked by a few and hated by a few in order to reach that elusive, "next level." Much like Jeff Long, it's backfiring on him. So, for those Pitt fans that wonder sometimes how it would be had Pederson stayed at Pitt, just look towards Lincoln. He apparently isn't coated with Teflong after all.

8. Pitt
They didnt even play this weekend and we're still pissed off about Wednesday. Wannstedt's been clamouring for a power running game since he arrived at Pitt two and half seasons ago (though it now feels like 13 years). He finally gets a team that he can run on at will and he passes on third and fourth down. Its inexplicable, as is the explanation after the game. "We run this play in practice all the time and it always works," he said. Uh huh. between this and the reasoning behind the onsides kick at Virginia Pitt football's undefeated in practice this year apparently.

7. The Fat 10 conference
What a tremendous display of football between crappy Iowa and equally crappy Illinois yesterday. And again, the Fat 10 slurping media ranked Illinois 19th last week after its win over Wisconsin, which proved how much it sucks in a blowout loss to Penn State Saturday. And PSU had already proven how average it is with consecutive losses to Michigan and Illinois.
One of these days the media and pundits will figure out that the Fat 10 is the MAC in bigger stadiums...or at least we hope.

Why would you hold College Gameday at a game that wasn't even being shown by ESPN? And why in the hell was Duke-Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech-Miami televised in the northeast but Oklahoma/OU and Texas A&M/Texas Tech were not? With the expansion of ESPN to about five networks and Fox Sports there's no reason that every ranked team shouldn't be on expanded basic cable. Georgia Tech and Miami? Who in the hell is watching this?

5. Rocket Ishmael
Way to reperesent your school on National televison, you tard. Interviewed on the sideline during yet another Notre Dame loss to Boston College, Ishmael blurted out at one point, "Go Irish, WHAT!?" First of all, dude, "What" for black men is now what "you go girl" for white women; it's cliched. Secondly, how old are you now? 35? 40? Yelling out "What" like you're Ludacris? Grow up.

4. Rich Brooks
Rich Brooks is a boring looking guy. He looks like that uncle that you only see at Christmas that's always bitching about blacks and affirmative action. But I think it's time that we come around to belief that Rich is a damn good coach after Kentucky's three overtime win against top-ranked LSU Saturday. Of course, Urban Meyer and Florida will probably hang 60 on them next weekend.

3. Georgia
The Bulldogs squeaked by host Vanderbilt last night 20-17 and then promptly ran to midfield to dance on the Vanderbilt logo, in a trendy display of gamesmanship that is both annoying and stupid. "Yo' man! We'll show them! We'll dance on some grass with paint on it! YEEEEAH!"
UGA players will of course revert back to third grade and say "Well, they did it to us last year." Yeah, because you suckasses lot to Vanderbilt at home last year. Anytime Georgis loses at home to Vanderbilt the Commodores should be permitted to not only dance on the "G," but take home the players' girlfriends.

2. Ohio State
Hey! You scrubs! This isn't the Ohio State Cockslap Conference. How the hell is this team ranked number one with a schedule like this:

OHIO ST. (7-0)
38 Youngstown St. 6
20 Akron 2
33 at Washington 14
58 Northwestern 7
30 at Minnesota 7
23 at Purdue 7
48 Kent St. 3
Further proof that the college football media is still enamoured with midwestern slow, fat, white boy football in general and the Fat 10 in specific. At least the Ohio State team that won the BCS played NC State and Texas Tech out of conference. And a glance at the Buckeye's remaining schedule shows games at Ohio State and Michigan and home games against Purdue, Michigan State and Illinois. In other words, there isn't one game we really see these guys losing. Which means Ohio State from a weak-assed Fat 10 could again be in the BCS title game.

1. Kevin Riley
Riley cost the Cal Bears (and its luscious dance team) a shot at a National Title last night when he scrambled instead of throwing the ball away with time running out against Oregon State. But unlike the sissy up in State College, he took his punishment like a man. From the Associated Press:

“It hurts,” said backup quarterback Kevin Riley, whose failure to throw the ball away on the last play cost Cal a chance at overtime. “I’m hurting and the team is hurting right now, but we can still win the rest of our games. In this college football season, you don’t know what the hell is going to happen.”

What's going on when a backup QB from Cal can be dignified in a loss but the senior starting quarterback from Penn State can't?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Wannstedt Diagnosed

UPMC - Pantherrants has learned that friends and family of Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt have taken him to UPMC for testing. Reported symptoms include stubborness, inability to adapt, and poor memory.

Dr. Fu commented that Coach's problems are of unknown cause but he's seen similar cases. "We did numerous studies. All signs point to the fact that Coach simply can't remember much. There are a few scattered memories around the early 90's but for the most part, he can not recall anything after 1987. He sings Ratt and Winger, he wears a Member's Only jacket, and he thinks the wishbone offense is the wave sweeping college football."

Dr. Fu continued. "This all points to what we call 'anterograde amnesia,' which is memory loss after a certain time period. The person has an inability to recall things after that point. The reasons could be because of trauma or psychological in nature. We've explored his history and test results and can not find anything physical. Our psychologists speculate that 1987 was the heights of Dave's life - Pittsburgh was going through it's Renaissance, he wasn't working in the mill anymore, he had just won a national championship at Miami, and Tom Sellek was making a goofy stache fashionable. And Dave was probably pulling some quality tail, something that no man from Baldwin has ever done before. Coach likely realized, subconsciously, that this was as good as it would ever get and rather than face tougher times, he decided to stay in 1987. We're hoping some therapies will help him out but it's been difficult; as anyone that's heard him talk knows, Dave's propensity to adapt and change is as low as it gets."

More updates to follow.