Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Panther Rants learned that Chris Matthews was in town yesterday to do his show, “Hardball”, in Pittsburgh. Chris discussed some issues dealing with Pitt with some special guests. Here’s a sneak peak of what you should see when this show airs:

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! Big trouble in Oakland, the Panthers are back home after the whole ordeal in Louisville, and everyone in Panther World is thinking of Bozik-era paranoia and old-fashioned football with the Big East! Will Pitt hire a new AD? I don't know why I'm asking you! Nobody watches this show anymore - nobody!! I'm out here asking the tough questions, shouting at powerful officials, in short, playing Hardball! But, apparently, America would rather watch Pat O'Brien interview the cast of "Becker" on "Access Hollywood"! Sheep! Baa-aa-aa-aa! You people are sheep! Here to talk about the Pitt situation: Libertarian Mark Rauterkus

Mark Rauterkus: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Next on our list is former Steelers color guy and alcoholic, Myron Cope.

Myron Cope: Yoi! Great to be here, Chris!

Chris Matthews: And finally, Fox 970’s radio host and ten year old girl, Tim Benz

Tim Benz: Now Chris, you know I’m not a ten year old girl!

Matthews: Can it Missy! We’ll start with Myron. Myron, this has been a trying season for the Panthers. Can they claim a bowl game this year or not?

Cope: Bowl game?!? Did you try the Kielbasa sub at Subway!?! Yoi! After, eating one of those, you were decking the halls with Modell’s meatballs! Double Yoi!

Matthews: I have no idea what you are talking about. Mark Rauterkus, Pitt did eventually get the land for the Olympic Sports. How are the Pitt people taking it?

Rauterkus: Well some of the less compassionate alumni and donors feel Pitt wasn’t tough enough. We should have gone on the offensive. The Oak Hill people were upset we wanted the land. I wonder how upset they would be if one of our wrecking balls met their area?

Matthews: Whoa! Not bad, Mark. Tear down Oak Hill! You’re a friggin’ lunatic. I bet you had some hardball!

Rauterkus: We didn’t need to give up any land. What this city needed was months of political tension. We had our chance and lost it!

Benz: Can I say something Chris? The Oak Hill issue is over! Pitt needs to concentrate on hiring an AD, improving football attendance..

Matthews: Zip it, Kermit! Go back to Fraggle Rock! Let us grown ups talk about Politics. Myron Cope, any hope Pitt hires a new AD soon?

Cope: Pitt doesn’t need an AD. What Pitt needs is da magic of da Terrible Towel! Yoi! They need whacked in da fanny like Andy Russell did. (Pulls out terrible towel and waves it) Look at this! You wave this around and good things happen! Hmmm Huh!

Matthews: What the hell is this guy on? Mark, is there any way Pitt can get land for an on-campus football stadium?

Rauterkus: I got two words for you, Chris: Poisonous Snakes. Forget using these things as research. We need to utilize them by dropping them in surrounding areas around Oakland. Pretty soon it will drive those people out and Pitt can claim the land. We won’t just stop there. We’ll keep moving towards downtown and every city neighborhood. We change the city’s name to ‘Nordenberg’. Chancellor Nordenberg appoints me King and everyone is happy.

Matthews: Wow! Tim, does Pitt need snakes to get more land?

Benz: [over banner: "Tim Benz, Very Small Penis”] Chris, that is ludicrous! Pitt does not need poisonous snakes to do all that. This is not 1976. [Banner changes to: "Tim Benz, Has to Sit down To Pee”] People need to understand that Heinz Field.. [Notices Chris laughing at banner] Hey, come on, I can see that! [Laughs]

Matthews: Mark Rauterkus, any final thoughts?

Rauterkus: Chris, there’s 30.000 people that attend Pitt football games. If we’re ever going to boost attendance, Pitt fans and alumni need to have two more children per household. So everyone, get humping!

Matthews: Mark, you’re loud and obnoxious. I love you! You’re great! Myron, anything else to add before we leave?

Cope: (snoring)

Matthews: Tim Benz, what about you?

Benz: Chris...

Matthews: Shut up! You’re dull and you look like a defective Pez dispenser! That’s it for Hardball! See you next time!


Mark Rauterkus said...



My planks as the snakebitten King could be shared on the episode with Beno.

River_City_Rivalry_Champs said...

Mark, you may just win Panther Rants' endorsement for the coming election.

Andy'sMom said...

Excellent work, kudos to whomever.

Somewhere Hunter is smiling, but it's probably at Falwell.

Anonymous said...

This is old, but I am just now finding this and nearly pissed myself. Tim Benz is a turd (and he's one of those turds that you try to flush, but just won't do away).