Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, October 26, 2007


JoePA's Man Yogurt Topping?

On Thursday, Penn State head coach Joe Paterno delivered pizzas to all the people in "Paternoville". Later that day, a riot almost ensued. There were rumors that Paterno and Sue had a sex romp and some of Joe's special olive oil made it on one of the pizzas. Being naive as they are, Penn State fans went around looking for that special pizza. Some fights broke out and lots of marshmallow's were thrown. Panther Rants talked to Penn State AD Tim Curley and here's what he said in a telepathic interview:

"Joe's semen? On a Pizza? Are they nuts? You realize how old the guy is? Actually there's been a misunderstanding. We actually put a serum in the pizza. This is to brainwash our students to think like the rest of the alumni base. After eating the pizza, you think you are better than everyone. You think Penn State is the greatest and everyone else is inferior. One more thing, if you're will hate minorities."

Pitt Loses Radio Station Bid

Pitt recently lost out on a bid for 93.7. Pitt was going to utilize the station to broadcast games for Pitt Football, Basketball, and other athletic events. They were also going to have talk shows, classic broadcasts of some memorable Pitt games, etc. Instead, the station went back to the future and brought back B94 FM. Here's what Coach Wannstedt had to say about it:

"It's a shame that we lost the station, but I'm also happy B94 is back. B94 was an institution in this city. I remember coming home to Pittsburgh in the late 80's. People would sit out in their swimming pool, drinking an Iron City, and listen to that new song Kenny G came out with. It was a great feeling. I may talk to some people and see if we can get 97 Rock back as I miss listening to the "Morning Militia".

Penn State Student Section Honored

The Rainbow Coalition honored the Penn State student section this week. The section dances and cheers to a song called "Zombie Nation" which is popular in gay bars says former Penn State basketball player John Amaechi. This was a big relief to the University as the local KKK was going to honor them for the "white outs" they have been arranging. Here's what Mr. Amaechi had to say about all this:

"I think it's great for the students and the University that they honor gay culture by stripping themselves half naked...painting themselves in white paint...mmmmm........I love that....mmm...oh wait I lost my train of thought. I mean painting themselves in that paint and dancing and cheering to some nice techno......mmmm 18-20 year old boys....half naked....."

PantherRants ended the interview after John started rubbing one off.

Dixon's Newest Class off to Good Start?

Darnell Dodson, the member of Jamie Dixon's recent class, has left Pitt to go to a Junior College. This was due to he couldn't make grades. I mean how dumb do you have to be to not make grades in high school? Seriously, I don't care what his learning capacity is. I mean don't they have wood shop, power& energy, etc? You know those classes where you don't do crap and get a B+? How in hell can't you make grades as an athlete?

Jamie Dixon had this to say:

"If you look at it, we usually have that one guy in our class that doesn't pan out. We had John Degroat, then there was Doyle Hudson, now it could be Dodson depending if makes it back here or not. If he doesn't come back, at least we got it out of our system now so we don't waste time on him later. "

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