FEATURE: Yinzer on Sports

BLAWNOX --Panther Rants is getting a bit worn out from writing all of these fictional articles grounded in truth. The shitty performance on the field also doesn’t help. So this week we decided to go out to a random Turtle Creek bar and talk to a random Turtle Creek yinzer for a new feature called “Yinzer on Sports.” Once a month we’ll highlight a different yinzer and give him a forum to get his opinion on Pitt football or anything else on the record. So, join us in welcoming “Smitty,” from Turtle Crick, October’s Yinzer on Sports.

I’m tahhred of everyone bein' dahn on Wawnstat. Ees a hawrd nose Picksburgh guy. Annis recruitin' issa lawt better dan at jagoff Walt Harris.

Yinz doan unnerstand hah bad tings were under Wawt. Dis guy didnt bring in any good
players utter dan Larry Fitgerwald an Tyler Pahlko. Anhe definitely didnt bring in no linemen to pratect dah qwarterback. Imagine at? A tahn fulla fat asses an' Walt can get no five of 'em tah come tah Pitt an' stand ahrahnd in frunna duh qwarterback.

Wanny'll right dah ship. Eee usedtah work inna still mills so he knows what hawrd work is alluhhbaht. He'll bring in sum fat slaps tah blawk fer Bawstick an' open up holes fer dah runnin' back. An ees uhh defensive guy so he'll getdah right players fer making tackles an' stawpin dah run.

Ahh mean, who wouldn't wanna play fer Wawnstat? Everybuddy who ever played any kinda bawl assa kid had a coach just like 'im. Aht moustache, 'em sunglasses. Aht big assed haircut. Eee looks just like mah lil league coach when I was twelf. In fak, aah can just hear wanny now yellin, "GET YER ASS DAHN WHEN YINZ FIELD UHH GRAHND BAWL!"

He also remind yinz of nineee purcent uhhda dads in Picksburgh. Remember when yinz haduhh first date when yinz were in high school. Remember whenna dad would answer duh door and yinz say, uhh, is Tawnie dere and he's yell threwda haase, "TAWNIE YER BOYFRIEND'S EER!" Dont he look like at jag?

So eee reminds yinz of yer lil league coach and anna dad. Who wouldnt wanna play fer a guy like dat? Walt doan remind yinz of nobody, cept maybe aht bail bondsmen inat movie Jackie Brahn.