Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, April 30, 2007

And now, a message from Wlat

A lot of people, you know, have been wondering what I've been up to, you know, since Stanford told me that they no longer needed my services. Well, you know, I've been doing some things, and my wife's been doing some things, and together, you know, we've been doing some things.

For starters, I've been trying to beat lee_corsos_rental_car's speed record for, you know, putting together this puzzle of me.

Secondly, I went out and bought myself, you know, a recreational vehicle. Below is a picture of it. I can't think of anything that is, you know, more relaxing than cruising our country full of, you know, hot babes in style. This machine has everything you could need, including, you know, a flat screen television, a satellite dish and a KY dispenser.

Lastly, I've been working on a reality TV show based on my life. It'll be just like hindsight: 50-50. One part "Jackass" and another part that show on HBO about, you know, the Bunny Ranch. I think we'll call it "Wlathouse."

Well, you know, I'd love to sit here and chat, but the jacuzzi's on and the booster's are only out of town for so long. Ta-ta for now.

Pitt Gives Back

If you are a Pitt season ticket holder or you donate, you may have got a nice treat in the mail. Most of us got the Pitt Band DVD in the mail. It's a nice little gift for all of us. There's nothing like seeing the Pitt Band play whether it's on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. Pitt also sent gifts to the people over in the Middle East. Every day, their stereos will blast the tunes of "Walt Harris Disco Polka."

Palko signs with New Orleans

Tyler Palko, the crown jewel of the Pitt Football program, did not get drafted over the weekend. Palko was a highly talented recruit out of West Allegheny, the greatest high school football program in the entire universe. Palko had an amazing 2004 season putting up some big numbers and some big wins.

Then came Dave Wannstedt and Matt Cavanaugh. Matt, a Youngstown native, turned Palko's 2005 season into what his hometown looks like today. The Panthers lost to Ohio U in overtime where Joe Delsardo would be the fall guy. Pitt would finish 5-6. Palko had a better 2006 season where he led the Panthers to a 6-6 record. Things looked up for him with the draft upcoming. He didn't have a good combine workout. In fact, one scout said this guy had a better shot at getting drafted before him:

Because of this, the Pitt staff has officially given up on their new quarterbacks. Instead, Pitt is bringing in a new high profile recruit to play quarterback in 2007. It's this new stud:

Breaking News

Authorities in Starlight, Indiana, have reported a rash of food poisonings at a local eatery, Joe Huber's Family Farm and Restaraunt. Local police have been baffled by the narrow scope of poisonings, specifically that only individuals who would classify as minorities have been affected. One of the afflicted, former NFL quarter back Rod Rutherford, said "I couldn't stop vomiting. I usually enjoy the Farm, but the last two times I've eaten there, I've gotten violently ill". Police are working with the FDA to discover what exactly is happening in Starlight. If anyone has any information, please contact the Starlight Sheriff's Department.

From the NFL to the NBA - draft prospects

Now that we've wrapped up the NFL draft coverage, let's look ahead to the NBA draft. Pitt's mythical "All-American" center Aaron Gray was thought by some at one point - as laughable as this is - to be a a lottery pick and other who bought the hype thought he would be a first round pick. We thought all along he had a chance at being selected in the second round. But after his performance during the end of the season and tournaments, we wrote a new book entirely about Aaron Gray's draft prospects:

($14 hardback, $10 wlatback,

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Monster Mexicans

johnwwool, please come home


Thoughts on the draft:

1. Darrelle Revis is gdo. Another year at Pitt and he's a top five pick. As it is, the Jets did a great job leaping up to get him ahead of the Steelers who I firmly believe would not have had the good sense to take Revis anyway because Colbert has proven time and again that he hates cornerbacks.

2. Want to know how dumb NFL scouts are? Clint Session was drafted two full rounds ahead of HB Blades. Clint Session is a great athlete but a dumbass, dogshit football player. He'll be cut during the first wave of pink slips at training camp. The skins, though, got themselves a good one.

3. Plako wasn't drafted. Weak arm, too short, bad attitude ... now, we all know that the almighty wlat, had he been present the past two seasons, would have developed plako into a first-round pick. That's not how it worked out. Best case scenario, he hooks on as a RUFA and carries a clipboard for a few years and makes a ton of money. The good news is, that faggot getsy wasn't drafted and plako won't have the chance to really embarrass Pitt by failing to live up to unreasonable expectations the way that fairy, overhyped piece of shit Brady Quinn will.

4. Pitt's defense sucked utter and complete muskrat testicles last year but still somehow managed to get three defensive players drafted. Something doesn't add up. Revis will be a stud and Blades, IMO, will hook on, but Clint Session is a dirty pirate hooker who should never have been drafted.

5. No University of Penn State football players were arrested this weekend. A tip of the cap goes to the State College PD. You're back to doing your job the way boosters bribe you to do it!

6. This is just a rumor, but we have heard that Burghguy is in fact gay and might be Jester's bitch.


Thanks, and may you all go in peace to follow the Denny's waitress in sucking wlat's dirty old sac.