Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Pitt and the Pirates can learn from each other

It was with great amusement that we at Panther Rants watched what was supposed to be a "walk out" at tonight's game between the Pirates and the Washington Nationals. Fans who are disgruntled with the status of the team were expected to pack up and high-tail at the conclusion of the third inning. Attendance for tonight's game was expected to be around 27,000 lemmings, err, fans. However, after the scheduled "walk out," it somehow looked like 33,000 fans remained. The symbolism was evident.

  • The actual Pirate "fan" is now more endangered a specie than the caribou. As long as you jam bobblehead dolls, beach towels, free concerts from bands that haven't been relevant since 1996, or whatever gimmick at them, they're happy. The game is merely secondary and just a sport to watch until football season rolls around.
  • The Pittsburgh Pirates have a tremendous grasp on what it is that their customer base wants, which is free shit. It's the perfect relationship. Pirates fans continue to fork over their hard-earned money and the Pirates respond by blowing a load in the face, handing them a free beach towel and saying "we'll see you again next week."

This said, the University of Pittsburgh's fans and athletic department can both give out and take notes in this situation.

First off, memo to Pirates fans: If you're going to stage a protest, do it like a man, do it like a Pitt fan. Pitt fans cut out the middleman. Rather than pay for the ticket and then walk out, they simply don't show up in the first place. Many Pitt fans staged informal "protests" when Mike Gottfried was fired in 1989 and didn't end their protest until Wlatapalooza started to get rolling between 1997 and 2000. Some of them didn't even come back for that.

You could even argue that our ability to protest the program is our finest tradition. Then again, given our historically incompetent administration, we get a lot of practice.

Lastly, memo to the Pitt administration: If you wanna develop a customer base of lemmings that will show up in good times and in bad, give shit away or blow shit up. Wanna' get a big crowd for the Grambling game? Switch the start time to 7 p.m. and shoot off some fireworks afterwords. Want a real big time atmosphere for the UConn game? How about a Chase Clowser replica jersey/speedboat cover? Want people to come to the South Florida game? How about a Craig Heyward bobblehead? Given the embarrassment of a "ceremony" that the athletic department had for Heyward last year, the staff at Panther Rants believe that the Heyward family still is holding an I.O.U.

Then again, give the athletic departments inability to schedule nationally televised games that don't counteract what the neighbors across the parking lot are doing and incompetence at designing a uniform or drawing a panther, many of us are quite worried at what "promotions" this bunch would come up with. For example, we're not certain how many extra people a "Yuri Demetris crowbar night" would draw. And we're pretty certain that Carl DePasquale Bobblehead Day will be as popular as a Great White reunion tour in Rhode Island.

Considering the inept-assed Pirates might average more fans per game than Pitt this year, those who market this team should be open to almost anything.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Ask Wlat - June 29

It's Friday which means it's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former Pitt coach takes time out of his busy week to answer questions from his many admirers. Wlat is in Pine Needles, North Carolina this week, site of this year's Women's U.S. Open. He'll be followin around Morgan Pressel all day today in the hopes of getting an upskirt shot.

My Beloved,

Greetings: I am sorry to intrude into your private and peaceful life, all the same My name is Mr.John Luke,I work as an accountant in a bank; I contacted you to work together with me in claiming my late client's estate. Unfortunately he died without a registered next of kin and as such the funds now have an open beneficiary status. You could be made the beneficiary since you share the same last name with him. This has officially transferred the right to you, as no other person from his family knows anything about this fund with our bank.If you are interested in working with me, please get back to me as quickly as possible, so that I will give you the details of what we are to do. I will wait for your prompt response so that I can give you more briefing of what you need to do and how to do it.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation

Mr John.

Dear John,

You must be really desperate to share this newfound wealth with a complete stranger, as this is the second time you've e-mailed me this week.

It is, you know, with great regret that I decline your offer. Thanks to the sheer benevolence (or maybe it's stupdity) of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford University, I now have more money than I could ever possibly spend. I live a very comfortable life with my car, the Wlatillac, my boat, the Wlatanic, and my dog, Wlat Tin Tin.

Also, I stand no financial gain from this proposition. According to the paperwork filed in court, 57-percent of the proceeds would be earmarked for the 18 alimony payments to 13 ex-wives (go ahead and take your best crack at that one) and the other 43-percent shall be devoted to paying off my tab at Beemer's strip club in McKeesport.

One final question. If there aren't any next of kin, who the fuck identifed the guy to the medical examiner?


do you wish you could go back to the fiesta blow and actually put together a gayme plan.


Mountain West Conference

Aww, hell naw.

When it became obvious that that ol' Wlatmeister was being pushed out the door that trip became all about checking out chicks at The Library and less about football. Think about this for a minute: you're working at a school that has done nothing but piss and cry that they want to go to a BCS bowl game, you know. So you coach them to a BCS bowl game, and they can your ass anyways....

But, they tell you, "Sure Wlat. Go ahead and coach in the bowl game. What's the worst that could happen?" Are you fucking kidding me? If we get our ass kicked, I still get fired. If we beat them 72-6, I still get fired. If your boss told you "We're letting you go at the end of July, but we'll still allow you to show up and claim a paycheck until then," would you give a shit about your job?

If they had any sense at all they would have fired me at the end of 2003 when I bitched up the entire season. I was practically BEGGING to be canned with all of the excuses that I made to the press. But like a teenage boy on a first date they caught none of the signals. Then again, I'm not, you know, surprised. This is an athletic department that has no idea how to draw a panther.


What is the difference between you and the titanic and David Hasselhouf? I can't find any difference. If you could tell me that would be great.

You're a blue-star douchebag if you don't, you know, know the answer to this one. I mean, you might be dumber than the people that sit in the 500 level if you don't know.

When my car talks to me, I tell that bitch to shut her hole.

Well, I better get rolling if I'm gonna catch the shift change at the Pine Needles Denny's. Everyone have a happy and safe weekend and, if you're going to the Pirates game Saturday for the sole reason of walking out, why not cut out the middle man and just keep your fat ass on the couch?

Send questions and comments to


It's a few minutes from Friday as this article is being created. This week, we decided it was time to post some "BUTTCORE". Instead of the hair bands, it was time to go in a different direction. It felt like we were getting away from the true element that is Buttrock. Where union workers who have no concept of a belt blast a song like this while doing their normal workload. Like the fat chick at a concert of some famous classic rock band where she bends over for her beer while taking a drag off her Marlboro cigarette showing her full crack.

This is for the people who think Larry the Cable guy is funny. This is for the many drunken Yinzers at Steeler games. This is for the vehicle owners who proudly display the "Git R Done" sticker across their windshield. This for the loyal listeners of WDVE who turned this song up loudly and stop what they are doing to scream "SWEET HOME ALABAMA" while the majority of them have never been there, but should consider relocating. As for the song, you get the hint.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Walt Harris to Appear on NBC Dateline

In August, NBC Dateline will be running another "To Catch a Predator" show in a location to be revealed later. This time around, it won't be Chris Hansen doing all the talking. Chris is taking a break from the show and NBC went looking for a replacement. From a long list of candidates, they contacted former Pitt Head Coach Walt Harris to see if he wanted to do the show. Harris agreed and here's a sneak peak of what you are about to see come August

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Picking the Brain of a Pitt Guru

Here at Panther Rants, we strive to bring the Pitt faithful the most up-to-date, comprehensive Pitt athletics news coverage in the Panther nation. There are times, however, when we even have to yield way to the true experts in their respective fields to give you the best coverage possible. Today the word is recruiting, and who better than to sit down and chat with us but recruiting guru Harry G. Psaros, resident Rivals/Scout/Wyndell William's Top 25/ICU Pitt writer? Harry's expertise and knowledge of beefy, steamy, man-studs is unparalleled in the college recruiting field. Today, exclusively on Panther Rants, you'll hear some of the secrets and incredible insight that help to make Psaros THE expert on Pitt recruiting.

So, without further ado...

Panther Rants: Harry, we can't be more pleased that you're taking time to be with us today. Welcome to Panther Rants!

Psaros: Ah man, it's MY pleasure to be here for it is I that am more than pleased to be joining you and our great fans. I haven't been this excited since I learned of Anthony Morelli's intention to bring his stud physique and beautiful buttocks to Pitt!

PR: Indeed, Harry. It was a shame that we lost out on Anthony Morelli...Looking back at that situation, can you possibly elaborate on as to how that saga unfolded the way it did on the recruiting end?

Psaros: Well guys, it's pretty simple: Morelli didn't have a good poop after his visit to Pitt. He was constopated, and really couldn't fire out from his strong sphincter cannon much like he fires footballs and rub outs from his right arm.

PR: Did you just cite "poop" as the reason he didn't follow through on his verbal committment to Pitt?...One would imagine it would come down to things like facilities, campus atmosphere, playing time, relationship with the coaching staff and the like. We're kind of dumbfounded here, to elaborate?

Psaros: You bet man...Folks, it's all about number 2. Want to know a wonderful secret to reading how a recruit will lean in their search for their school? Just watch them poop. If you put your life aside to watch the intimate details of a high school kid, especially in the bathroom, you're sure to uncover the truth. In the case of Anthony, he had already given strong oral to Pitt and Wlat Harris. During his visit to the UPMC practice facilities and to campus, however, something wasn't quite right. The WOP ate at Joe Mama's during that visit and ate the chicken parmesan while I had a tossed salad. During that time, Anthony had several trips to the men's room where he was heard muttering "C'mon man...come outta there. This shit is gonna be fierce if I can ever get it out..." Problem is for Anthony, it didn't come out for days. That's why he wavered on his committment to Pitt, because he couldn't shit!

PR: Fascinating! These details have never before been released, folks, so you're hearing it here first from the guru-in-chief! In that case, Harry, can you recall some positive bowel movements that have led to Pitt receiving committments from prospective recruits?

Psaros: Man, I tell ya we've been fortunate to have more than a few! My favorite as of recently is quarterback and man-stud extraordinare Pat Bostick. I tell ya, I've never had some a hard-on for a high school kid like this one, especially after I saw him poop. During his visit to Pitt, Pat stopped into Uncle Sam's and got himself a huge, beefy, man steak with the works. By the smell of his farts radiating throughout the restaurant while he ate it, I was already optimistic in regards to Pitt's chances of landing him. Later that evening, Pat sat down on the toilet and the rest was history. After an orgasmic defecation filled with exhilarating groaning and pleasure, Pat admired his work that he left in the camode. Proudly, he exclaimed "Dammmmn that was good! I wanna shit like that all the time...PITT IS IT, BABY!" Man, I've never been more excited to receive oral in my life. It was like my newborn taking a dump for the first time and me burying it in the backyard for luck!

PR: Wow, that IS exciting indeed! It's great to know that Pat Bostick is that excited to join this wonderful program. Once again, folks, unbelievably revealing details that only a true expert on stalking high school boys for the good of his favorite college can gather! Harry, how is it that you're so good at gathering facts?

Psaros: It's a gift, brother. You just gotta know when and where to look, especially in regards to a recruit's bowel regularity. It's just a natural sense that you get when you love stud boys as much as I do!

PR: One last question here, Harry, if you don't mind...we don't want you to reveal all of your recruiting secrets that make you the Pitt guru that you are! When it comes to verbal committments, how serious are they and how should they be interpreted by the fans?

Psaros: That's a bit more difficult to read, man. Basically, I see it as how Coach Wannstedt feels the next day. If a stud gave him a strong oral, he'll be all smiles and in a great mood the next day. He even doesn't mind running errands with his wife, it's like nothing can make him upset. If the kid gave him soft oral, however, it's a completely different story. He'll be much more timid and closed in his persona the next day. In fact, he may even get a little upset if you aren't careful with what you say. Usually, those are the telling signs of the extent of a man-stud's oral. Fans should kinda look for these indications when Coach is interviewed after receiving a oral. Of course, there is nothing binding and impregnating about orals, so regardless of how strong it may be it is by far from a guarantee that the man-boy stud will come back to continue the relationship with Coach and Pitt.

PR: Incredible stuff, Harry. To say that this is an absolutely fascinating perspective on the high school recruiting scence is the understatement of the year! Harry, we can't thank you enough for coming here today and spilling some of your great recruiting secrets. I think we've all learned a little something by listening to your infinite wisdom and we'll be sure to look for those tells when we follow the Pitt recruiting trail! Again, Harry, it's been more than a pleasure to have you here on Panther Rants!

Pitt Interviewing Candidates for Special Assisstant Job

Pittsburgh - The insiders of Panther Rants have discovered that the Pitt administration is currently interviewing candidates for the Special Assistant to the Chancellor and A.D position, formerly held by John Majors. When speaking to Chancellor Nordenberg he stated that he was still gathering facts about the possible replacements. Jeff Long is away securing a 2 for 1 deal with Dartmouth and could not be reached for comment.

However, the insiders have obtained a list of candidates that have been interviewed. They include Jackie Sherrill, Foge Fazio, Mike Gottfried and Paul Hackett. Sadly, to us writers at Panther Rants, Wlat Harris will not be considered for this job. Qualifications include: Former Head Coach preferably at Pitt, chance to schmooze the old alumni and Golden Panthers Members, had to be around script Pitt and must of had some shortcomings as a head coach. It is believed that our very own Foge Fazio is the front-runner at this point. "He meets all of our criteria" a source stated to us. "He had so much to work with when taking over for Jackie Sherrill and let it all go in a few short years". Yet, another unidentified source said "the job may stay open until Dave Wannstedt officially sucks for two more years". I believe that it still is Foge's job to lose and I am predicting that he will be living in the old Major's household in a matter of days.

In other news, the University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department has really taken care of it's former scholar athletes. I knew all of those on field presentations would pay off. Former Wlat Harris lineman, Dan Stephens is the Varsity Letter Club Coordinator & Athletics Gifts Officer. Former Wlat lineman Penny Semaia is the Career and Life Skills Coordinator. Finally, former basketball walk-on Charles Small is the Student Life and Compliance Assistant. "I just tell them to remember that here at Pitt "We all we got" stated Small. He let's the students use him as an example. Small said "Look at me, I couldn't hoop". "I just hustled, hung around with Chevy and got lots of leftover white-tail and now I work for Pitt". Not bad Charles, not bad at all.

Yancich Discusses Choice

WASHINGTON, Pa. (PR) – Ending months of speculation, Trinity High standout linebacker Mike Yancich announced his decision to end his recruitment and verbally committed to attend college.

The beefy man-stud revealed his intentions at a press conference last night, attended by family members, school administrators and several pedophilic recruiting analysts. Notably missing, however, was former guru Wyndell Williams, who is in the middle of six-year prison term for possessing child pornography.

In addition to college, Yancich was recruited by Sheetz, U.S. Steel, and 84 Lumber.

“In the end, college just seemed like the right fit,” Yancich said. “The coaches were great and I feel it was my best option to get out of this shithole.”

Surprising all in attendance, Yancich also revealed where he will be attending college: the Pennsylvania State University. The linebacker praised head coach Joe Paterno.

“Meeting Coach Paterno was the highlight of my life. It is an honor to have the opportunity to play for him,” he said. “I tend to wet my bed sometimes just as Coach soils his pants, so I just felt comfortable around him. It’s a natural fit.”

Yancich also disclosed he was pondering enrolling at the University of Pittsburgh, but an incident stemming from a recent logo change eliminated them from consideration.

“The staff lied to me. [Pitt athletic director] Jeff Long told me the logo would be easily identifiable and reproducible at small sizes, but this is not the case whatsoever,” Yancich exclaimed. “Besides, there was no way in hell I was going to play for an institution that has a rabid sea otter for a mascot.”

Repeated phone calls, e-mails and smoke signals to Long seeking comment were not answered by press time.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

When good ideas go bad

Many University of Pittsburgh football season ticket holders recently received a treat in their mailboxes over the past couple of months.
Well, most of 'em.
In a exercise of goodwill, the Pitt athletic department sent Panther fans a complimentary compact disc of the Pitt marching band. Enclosed was a thank you letter from athletic director Jeff Long, telling the fans how much the university appreciated it's patronage.
Just one problem: they had more season ticket holders than they had CDs.
"It's just one of those things that you just don't plan for," said athletic director Jeff Long in a telepathic interview with a PR staff reporter. "I mean, shit, you'd think we'd have a stockpile of these things on a shelf somewhere. Turns out that wasn't the case."
Not to be outdone, the athletic department has devised a Plan B. Those who didn't receive a copy of the marching band cd will receive a copy of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Ska-Core the Devil and More Album. Should the department run ot of those as well, copies of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass' Whipped Cream and Other Delights is waiting on-deck.
"It's got trumpets in it. Hopefully, no one will notice the difference," Long said.

Yancich Selects College

You heard it here first!

Panther Rants has been informed by our little birdies that Trinity beefy man-stud linebacker Mike Yancich has made a verbal commitment to attend college. He will formally announce the news tonight at 6pm.

Stay tuned to Panther Rants for all of your Pittsburgh Panther recruiting needs.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Oval Jaynes Society Honors Jeff Long

BREEZEWOOD, Pa. (PR) – Pitt Athletic Director, Jeff Long, was honored today as Athletic Director of the Year. The award, presented by former Pitt and current UT- Chattanooga AD, Oval Jaynes, is presented to the NCAA Division I Athletic Director that most exemplifies Jaynes' vision to systematically destroy the performance and success of a university's athletic department.

The ceremony, held between the two back dumpsters outside the Sheetz in Breezewood, featured the 4 finalists and Jaynes. "These men before you today represent the finest in Division I Athletic Directors," Jaynes stated. "All of the candidates should be proud of the extraordinary hard work and dedication to their craft." "First, we'd like to recognize Rick Greenspan from Indiana University. We knew he was going to be a contender when he chose Kelvin Sampson to lead the basketball program."

"Our second finalist is Paul Dee from the University of Miami, FL. Paul not only chose to ignore basketball completely, but he also took it upon himself to screw up the football program. I mean, murders, on-field fights, keeping a fired head coach on for a bowl game in Idaho? Hard to top."

"The third finalist comes from the University of Washington where Todd Turner has been named as a finalist for the second consecutive year. Frankly, you keep on Ty Willingham as your football coach and you're an automatic finalist."

"The hands down winner though is Jeff Long from the University of Pittsburgh." When asked how Long managed to wrestle the title away from the other finalists, Jaynes pointedly stated,"The guy screwed up a nationally televised football game by getting the kick-off time wrong, thereby losing significant revenue and ruining tailgating. Second, he kept Wannsted on - I mean, the guy is just begging to be fired. Third, he changed Pitt's logo again, at a time when no one thought it possible to make worse. Fourth, his poor marketing and lack of connection with the Pitt community has led to disenchantment with fans, alumni and students. They can't pay those kids to come to basketball games anymore."

Jaynes said there was one defining moment though. "Pitt held their spring football game where literally 5 people showed up. Instead of taking the time to go and shake every hand for actually getting off their fat sausage-filled asses, Jeff went to his private booth and let them know that he didn't just not care, he actually held those 5 fans in contempt. That's going way above and beyond. In fact, I heard he sneared and spat upon them at one point."
Pitt Chancellor Mark Nordenberg was on hand to praise his Athletic Director. "Jeff has done a great job for us this year and we realize we're going to have to give him a raise. All of us at the Pittsburgh School of Law are very proud of his accomplishments; and hopefully one day soon we'll be able to shed this ridiculous whole department." When told that he was actually Chancellor of the entire University of Pittsburgh, Nordenberg stated, "Son, I have no idea who you are but Pitt was founded exclusively as a law school. That's all it ever was and will be. If you don't want to believe that, I suggest you endorse this form acknowledging your receipt of my signed statement that you are insane. Also, please sign this cease and desist order of this conversation along with a notarized copy of your rights to go into that Sheetz and order me a Schmuffin and a large cup of coffee."

Finally, Athletic Director Long took the podium. "Today is the culmination of several years' hard work. Sure, destroying tradition, the football program, leaving the basketball program stagnant are all difficult. But do you know what it takes to literally not give half the school's programs even a field or area to practice and play games? I don't know that it's been done. Thanks to everyone in our Athletic Department, we were able to get it done."

Jaynes concluded, "Thank you to everyone who has participated this year. Jeff has certainly set the bar high. I encourage you all to go out there and make the 07-08 season a great one. And remember, only by your systematic destruction of collegiate athletics can we hope to show the world that incompetence, arrogance, and hatred for those you serve can be rewarded."

Panther Rants Wishes to Remind Everyone

If your fanny isn't here at LEAST 90 minutes before kickoff, you aren't a true fan.

Additionally, you risk a beatdown from the Gridiron(sage) Gang.

Ut verum quod justicia have mediocris lascivio , ille est usquequaque a compositus pro beefy vir bulla!

Yuri Demetris: Reunites with His Ankle

It’s been two years since that dreaded 2004-2005 Pitt Basketball season has passed. What seemed like a promising basketball season went downhill as the season went. Some thought it was because of focus, some thought it was depth, and some thought it was just a “down year.” Now after two years, one member has finally found closure in this season.

Before Levon Kendall, there was Yuri Demetris. Yuri, a graduate from Shaler, was a fan favorite for most of his stay at Pitt during mop up time at games. He earned time as a starter in the 2004-2005 because of his blue collar steel city work ethic on defense. Pitt got off to a questionable start as they lost games to Bucknell, St, John’s, and Georgetown.

Pitt would then face a close game at Rutgers where Ronald Ramon was having the game of his life. Up 69-66 with seconds to play, Yuri’s world would come crashing down before everyone’s eyes. Ricky Shields got the ball with Yuri guarding him. Ricky faked out Yuri so bad, that Yuri would lose his ankle in the process. To add insult to injury, Shields hit a three to send the game into overtime. The Panthers would eventually win, but Yuri and the Panther team would never be the same. Yuri would never find his ankle and it drove him over the edge.

It was on that night that Yuri would break into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment and go Ike Turner on her. So why did he break into his ex’s apartment? Was he still in love with her? Would he re-enact the final scene in Jerry Mcguire?

“I thought the (expletive) took my (expletive) ankle.” Says Yuri.

Pitt Basketball was the never the same. They got Pittsnogled twice, took an early exit from March Madness, and Chevon Troutman tried to play tight end for the Redskins. As for Yuri, he would be off the team for good after the late night call he made. He would never find his ankle.

That’s until Ricky Shields was cleaning up around his apartment and found a body part in one of his boxes of memorabilia. After some DNA testing, they found out it was an ankle that belonged to Yuri.

“I contacted Coach Dixon about it, and he was excited.” Says Ricky.

After over two years, Yuri would be reunited with his ankle that he lost so long ago.

“I am so happy. I never knew when I would see this day come! I can’t wait to shoot hoops again! Maybe I can now get the NCAA to give me another year of eligibility!” Yuri rejoiced tearfully.

So what did Coach Dixon have to say about this?

“I would love to have Yuri back. He could step in for Levon that he is gone. He would provide good leadership which is what this team needs.” Replied Dixon.

So what’s next for Yuri and his appeal to the NCAA? Stay tuned

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sean Burnett to join Panthers!

Panther Rants has learned that former Pirate #1 pick, pitcher Sean Burnett will leave the Indianapolis Indians to join the Pitt Panther football team for summer camp. Burnett is tired of the Pirates organeyezation, and their unwillingness to let him suck on the major league lefthander like fellow lefthanders Zack Duke and Paul Malholm. "I am sucking no worse than they are in AAA, they might as well give me a chance but they won't, so I feel I am pitching this next month for Dave Wannstedt and Matt Cavanaugh".

"It is not unheard of" Burnett said, "JR House sucked in the minors before going back to WVU and not doing anything there." Asked why Burnett would want to join the Panthers, Burnett replied: "It's simple really. I have never seen anything close to .500 in this organization and have never played a meaningful game in September. Pitt has proven to be a contender for .500 every year and they are usually playing meaningful games until October. That would be exciting for me!"

Panther Rants asked Burnett if he ever played QB before. "Not really, but who on Pitt's roster has played any meaningful college football at QB? That at least puts me on the list. Plus, I am a weak armed left hander, and that seems to be what this franchise (excuse me I mean college) is looking for."

Panther Rants asked Burnett what he knows about Pitt FB history, specifically QB's and he enthusiastically responded: "Well I remember the great John Turman and his hotassed sister, David Priestlay was a bit of a geek, and they had that Chico Ramirez dude at QB who beat WVU!" "Oh yeah, and they like white dudes at QB!"

Panther Rants wish Burnett the best of luck not only in his battle this August for the starting QB job, but his desire to get out of the Pirate organeyezation any way possible!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Panther Rants Interviews Big East Comissioner Mike Tranghese

The Big East conference has been through a tumultuous period over the past 4 years that has reshaped the way people think about the Big East. Panther Rants decided to telepathically contact Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese to see what's next for America's biggest little conference.

PR: Mike you led the Big East through an extremely trying time reconfiguring the conference after losing Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College to the ACC. What next for you and the Big East?

Tranghese: I'd like to get Augusta National to host the Big East Golf Championship. Beyond that there isn't really much on the table. We've always been a bit of a "live in now" conference. Speculating on the future is for scientist and politicians, We'll focus on being the most passive conference in the country.

Lee Iacocca said, "You lead, follow, or get out of the way." We generally try to stay out of the way, but when the landscape changes, for example when the other BCS conferences instituted Instant Replay, I think we've done a pretty good job of showing we can follow too.

PR: So what to you think the future holds for Pitt athletics?

Tranghese: I don't know, how is their golf team doing?

PR: Pitt doesn't have a golf team.

Tranghese: I don't really care then. I mostly only like golf and gina.

PR: Gina? You mean, like on the West Virginia NIT championship T shirts?

Tranghese: NO, vag, I like vag and golf, and now that you bring it up hoops are cool too. I like hoops. David Gavitt and I knew if we were going to have the greatest hoops in the world that we'd have to counter the sin and debauchery that big time football brings with as many football free catholic hoops powers as possible. Time has proved that we were brilliant and our conference is great.

PR: How do you think Pitt will fair in Big East play in football this year?

Tranghese: Pitt doesn't play football in the Big East. Just WVU, Syracuse, Rutgers, Connecticut, Louisville, Cincinnati, South Florida, and Central Florida

PR: Central Florida doesn't play football in the Big East.

Tranghese: You could have fooled me. If they don't, than what that hell was that team with the gold helmets with the big blue blob on the side?

PR: That was Pitt.

Tranghese: Really? I could have sworn when we invited them to the Big East Pitt was good at football and had a uniform with a clean classy design. The golfing in Orlando is much better than in Pittsburgh. Maybe I was drunk on the sauce and gina when I invited Pitt?

PR: Indeed. Thanks for you time Mike.

Dinocat found dead

SMITHFIELD, Va. (PR) – A Panther Rants investigation has revealed that Dinocat, the former University of Pittsburgh mascot, wasn't replaced on a whim but out of necessity.

According to sources close to the situation, Dinocat was among dozens of animal carcasses recently exhumed in the back yard of a Virginia home owned by NFL quarterback Michael Vick. The cause of death was unclear, but the property is at the center of a dog-fighting ring investigation.

According to one source who asked to remain anonymous, Dinocat had been taking part in the fights for years and was considered the heavyweight champion of the venue. He said Dinocat lost his life about two months ago, but it wasn't in the ring.

"He was done Tupac style, son," the anonymous source said. "D-cat was too good. He never lost. There were a lot of jealous handlers around the ring and someone popped a cap in his ass when he was mounted up on a bitch in heat. It was a clear set up."

The source said Panther fans should be proud of the mascot they never fully embraced. He said "D-cat's" combination of jagged edges for defensive protection and nasty demeanor led him to a 171-0 record against a slew of opponents that included dogs, mountain lions, a crocodile, a hippopotamus and Mike Tyson.

Only once, the source said, did D-cat have a close call in his nearly 200 fights.

"One dude brought a motherfuckin gorilla in here, man," the anonymous source said. "Can you believe that? An honest to shit silverback. D-cat got thrown around pretty good, but that gorilla went home missing an arm and has to sit when he pees."

Asked for substantiation of the story, police and University of Pittsburgh officials had no comment on the matter. They neither confirmed nor denied Dinocat's involvement with the ring while noting the ongoing criminal investigation.

One Pitt source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed Dinocat's demise. He said Dinocat first got involved with prize fighting in 2003 when, like so many Pitt fans, he became disillusioned and distant after the Pitt football team gravely underperformed.

"Dino just felt he had to do something for Pitt - something to save face," the Pitt source said. "But he got swept up into a lifestyle. It wasn't just about winning, it was about being king of the jungle - literally he did everything he could to try to sucker lions into fights, but they never took the bait. The Nittany Lions even turned tail and ran.
"That's when the drug use started. At first, it was just a few horse tranquilizers to help deal with the pain, but then he got into all kinds of crazy stuff and pulled away from those who would have helped him."

Friends said they are awaiting word from authorities as to when the body will be released for burial. The Pitt source said the university is planning a memorial service for Dinocat prior to the Grambling football game.

It will be similar to the memorial service held last year that recognized the passing of Pitt greats Craig Heyward and Marshall Goldberg. It is planned for 4:15 a.m. at Heinz Field and will last about 15 seconds.

Friday, June 22, 2007


Well it's another Butt Rock Friday. I hope you all have got your tickets to Poison. Today, we go on the ballad side of things. Who can forget seeing some blondes with their Motley Crue shirts cut off at the sleeves and stomach area jamming to this song? Not to mention holding hands with their man with the stone washed jean jacket and the Def Leppard patch down the back and buttons of his favorite band all over the fronts? Today is Bad English day......for when they see you smile, they can face the world.

Ask Wlat - June 22

It's Friday, which means it's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former Pitt coach takes questions from his throng of many admirers. Wlat took last week off to go to Oakmont Country Club, site of this year's U.S. Open, and sexually harass the volunteer staff. He came away from the experience with a new bag tag and a welt on his temple.

Dear Wlat,

We need legal advice. We are "not pleased" with Jeff Long's new logo for Pitt. It infringes upon our brand and intellectual property (our anatomy) that we have developed over millions of years of evolution. Do we have a case? Who do you suggest we hire for counsel? This is going to be one "ruff" court battle.

The International Order of Canines

Dear Dawgs,

Christ, that thing's brutal, ain't it? Remember when my agent called Pitt a redheaded stepchild? Well, part of that was because of the logo. I mean, how could I be respected as a coach going into a kid's house to recruit him with that thing on my golf shirt? And the new looks like it smoked more weed that Ki Downey did.

Memo to the athletic department: in college, letters work better than logos. If you don't believe me, look at Wisconsin's "W," Michigan's block "M," Arizona's "A," Stanford's "S," and....on second thought, don't look at anything Stanford. Hell with 'em.

Dear Wlat,
Are you glad you worked for me and not the bozo in place there now?

Smilin' Stevie


Well, will ya' look at this? An e-mail from ol' Steve. Suuuuuure, NOW you find my contact information. What about when you had the coaching vacancy a few years ago? What about the 23 resumes I faxed, with the accompanying 78 follow-up calls? Whaja go through, Steve, 26 coaching candidiates? And not once did you call me. I even left you a message in tears, PLEADING "Steve, please put a word out. You have no idea what you're doing for my credibility by not interviewing the coach you hired at your previous job. For Crissakes, I have a Flintstones charcter on my golf shirt as a logo. Help!" But nope, not even an e-mail from Stevie.

But now that Steve's back in the saddle again and riding high, now he's gonna e-mail. Uh huh. Nice, dude, you know, nice. Here's hoping Bubble Boy malfunctions and attacks you.

Dear Wlat,

What is the minivan of choice among the Wives of Boosters set? I'd imagine you've been in the back of several of them at various times, which did you like the best, and why?


Dear #10,

First off, if this the same "#10" I believe it is, stop with the love letters. Yes, we had fun together back in the day but it's time to put things in the past.

Secondly, I've never been much of the minivan type, myself. For starters, it's much too easy to get caught. Secondly, minivans are always filled with soccer equipment, tee ball bats, gloves and miscellaneous, you know, bullshit.

Lastly, who the hell rolls in a van anymore? The fuck do I look like? Tony Danza? No, for my money, I'll always prefer the greatness and power that was the Oldsmobile Toronado. Sporty on the outside and roomy on the inside, this vehicle was one of the bright spots for General Motors back in the 1980s.

Plus, I kinda think the front end looks like Tom Freeman.

Well, that's all for me. I'm gonna go put some ice on my sore temple. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend and remember: It's annoying to be at a golf tournament and yell "GET IN THE HOLE!" at Tiger Woods. But it's apparently harassment to yell "LEMME GET IN THE HOLE!" at the girl working at the XM counter.

Send your questions and comments to

Pitt Football Schedules BCS Program

OAKLAND (PR) - University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director Jeff Long formally announced this morning that the Pitt Panthers have added a BCS program to their future football slate: the Bishop's College School (B.C.S.) of Sherbrooke, Quebec, Canada. Long, during his press conference at some abandoned apartment on Bates Street, reitterated the University's desire to play a quality, out-of-conference, BCS-calibre opponent. "When you're in a position like we are in with Clemson dropping their scheduling agreement with us, you have to improvise and think creatively in the way you go about finding a new opponent," Long said. "We feel as if we've hit the jackpot with Bishop's College School." The attractive 2-for-1 offer presented by B.C.S. (2 games in Quebec, 1 at Heinz Field) was, according to Long, too good of an offer to refuse. "Like we said, we wanted to schedule BCS schools for our out-of-conference slate, so what better way is there to achieve that goal than to find a school that actually has those three letters in its name? We told you fans and media personnel that we're looking to play a BCS opponent, and now we you can't call me a liar!"

Long described that this game will have a truly different feel and atmosphere, as it will be played under Canadian Football rules. "This is one situation in which we truly wish we still had Coach Wlat Harris around, due to his expertise in the 3rd down punting realm of the game," Long said. "In fact," Long elaborated, "we had Coach Harris quick-kick for this very reason. We figured we would eventually be playing a Canadian opponent in an international game and, being the Big East and doing it all for the Benjamins...or Loonies in this case, we tried to prepare ourselves for the 3-down version of the sport that Canadians play." Long also spoke of the excellent marketability of this American-Canadian matchiup to coincide with the Big East's International Bowl in Toronto. "There's no doubt that this series will be tied into the International Bowl, it goes hand-in-hand with what our mission in the Big East Conference is: to be the best conference in the nation...meaning Canada."

Bishop College School is a reknowned secondary (high school) institution within Quebec and the Eastern region of Canada. B.C.S. Athletic Director Guy LaDouche, interviewed via telepathy, was "more than excited to see this series commence. We here at Bishop's College School feel honoured and privileged to be adding a victory to our schedule for the next three seasons." When questioned as to the credibility of playing a high school-level opponent, Long was confident in Pitt's ability to meet the challenge posed by B.C.S. "I have the utmost faith in Coach Wannstedt to find a way to have our team play like a high school team...Hell, that's all they did in his 1st year as head coach and in the 2nd half of last season, so the potential for success in that regard is definitely there. Plus, Coach Cavanaugh will have an extra 10 yards to work with on the Canadian standard field, thus making the problem of not being used to the NCAA hash-marks all but eliminated."

The first game is scheduled for December 26th as part of the Canadian Boxing Day Holiday celebration. Tickets will be made available through the Blue and 24 Karat Gold Club as a special promotion to rub it in the Pitt fanbase's face that they probably can't afford the trip anyway.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Long makes our job very easy

We here at Panther Rants like to have a lot of fun with University of Pittsburgh athletics. As avid readers have probably noticed, we liked to use our "telepathic" powers to get great inside interviews that tell the "real" story.

However, God's gift to this blog is Jeff Long. What's great about Long is he will almost always say things that eliminate our need to put our telepathic powers to work. In today's PG, for instance, Long said the following:

"I'll reiterate, it is my desire to play at least three BCS conference teams every year and, if we can add a good MAC team in there as well, that's a pretty good non-conference schedule no matter who we fill the fifth game with."

It's good to know that we're shooting to have a schedule with three BCS out of conference games. As Paul Zeise so aptly points out, Long is failing on his own directive as it stands at the moment. Only once during the next seven years does Pitt have a schedule with three out of conference opponents coming from BCS conferences.

Panther Rants' favorite line is Long saying that if the magical formula can be reached, whoever the fifth opponent might be is irrelevant. Now, pretty much every program in the country is forced to have one DI-AA date on their schedule. With Long's statement, we can be assured that of the six or seven home games we'll get that one of them will - hopefully - be a DI-AA opponent.

However, Long's continued incompetence has Panther Rants worried. We see a day coming when among those three BCS teams that Pitt will be treated to home-and-home series with programs like Duke, Kentucky and Kansas, those that would pale in comparison to MAC opponents. We also fear that some dayDuquesne, St. Francis and Robert Morris may fit the bill as DI-AA opponents.

Pray that there's truth to the word that Grambling's bringing it's band this season, Panthers fans. It might be the most entertaining element of any of the "fifth" games we'll be seeing at Heinz Field for quite some time.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

NBA Draft Update

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has learned that the Portland Trailblazer's are considering alternatives to taking phenom Greg Oden with the first pick. Blazer's head coach, Nate McMillan, commented, "Greg has a lot of the things teams are looking for: he's tall, athletic, has good range, and moves very well." When asked about the team's concerns, the Blazer's staff said, "Oden just isn't a cultural fit. Here in Portland, we really have no interest in winning or being competitive; they hired me for god's sakes. We're quite happy coming in last place and still filling our arena. Also, Oden probably is really 65 years old; there's no telling how long he can actually play."

McMillan discussd the Blazer's plans for the first pick. "We're taking a strong look at that big Lurch dude from Pitt [Aaron Gray]. First off, he's big. Second, he's white. Third, he's lousy. And finally, he's a filthy hippie. Frankly, he's our dream guy; when not on the court, he can replace lightbulbs. It's just one less thing to worry about."

An anonymous NBA staffer from the Sonics discussed this new development. "This is the worst thing I can imagine. We have been actively trying to top Portland as being the worst team in the NBA. But first they steal our horrible coach and now they are stealing Lurch from us. He was our guy; he listens to Pearl Jam, he drinks lattes...he was ours to lose. I mean, how else are we going to get out of this godforsaken town now? You know anyone in Seattle that cares about basketball? Me either."

When asked for comment, Lurch, I mean Aaron Gray, said, "Portland is cool. Or Seattle. I don't care really; as long as they take my teammate, Vanilla Ice, I'm happy. I mean, the guy scored 40 points for the Canadian national team. You mean to tell me that he can't play in the NBA? Steve Nash never did that." Pantherrants also spoke with Ice Ice Baby, "I'll go wherever. I'm just happy to have the opportunity to get my dad a job as the organ player. He's an accomplished musician if you haven't heard it already about 5 million times."


Penn State Announces Scheduling Agreement with Lock Haven

STATE COLLEGE (PR) - Pennsylvania State University Athletic Director Timothy M. Curley has announced that the Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania (NCAA D-II) Bald Eagles have been added to the Nittany Lions' home football slate for the next 12 years in a 12 to 0 deal. The series will begin next fall. "We feel that this game is an opportunity to include the near-by community of Lock Haven, PA into the Penn State family," Curley said at a press conference on a cow farm somewhere west of Beaver Stadium. "Plus, all 15 Lock Haven football diehards will be making this trip year-in and year-out...Show me another school that will bring 100% of their fanbase as these true supporters are." Curley, however, was quick to give credit to coach Joe Paterno for scheduling the Bald Eagles. "Coach Paterno was instrumental in organizing this arrangement with Lock Haven University, as he is in making all decisions in this athletic department. Hell, I just sit around and drink kool-aid and masturbate in my office all day...JoePa is the real H.N.I.C. in these parts."

Paterno, also present at the press conference, was modest in responding to Curley's complimentary remarks. "Tim has been a real team player here at the University. He's always washed my soiled underwear and kept my trousers nicely pressed," Paterno said. "You think that it's my wife who rolls up my pant cuffs? Think again, it's this guy right here (Curley). He's also quite the ass wiper, he never leaves any poo tracks that might lead to skid-marks." When asked about the reasoning for scheduling a Division II NCAA program, Paterno was direct and to-the-point. "The Big East Conference is obviously to blame for Lock Haven being behind the 8-ball when it comes to having pull in the arena of college football. If they had accepted that school into the conference like they should have back in 1945, Lock Haven wouldn't have the problem of being on the outside looking in! Hell, the Big East allowed Hitler to roll into Poland and kill all those Jews!" When reminded that the Big East had not actually formed until 1979, Paterno tacitly responded, "Yes they did, you tryin' to call me a liar?" The reporter was then viciously attacked by several Penn State football players in attendance at the press conference. He was last listed in guarded condition by the Penn State Agricultural Hospital.

Due to these attacks, the University has issued a statement that the football program will "deal with the discipline of these players internally." Curley reiteratted that "Penn State stands for everything that is right in this great nation, especially when they pay me to do nothing but finger Coach Paterno's asshole all day and then give him the reach-around that he always demands. We have student-athletes at this fine institution, and rest assured we will continue to run the cleanest program and underpants in the country." Paterno added that the team will "stay around an extra 2 minutes after each practice to watch me make B.M. as their punishment." Senior Quarterback Anthony Morelli, when asked of the severity of the punishment, said that "it's not a big deal, we usually can smell him doing it on the field so it's nothing new. Besides, watching someone poop will probably help me to understand a little bit more about my major of Kinesiology...I mean, a bowel movement is a human movement isn't it? I'm not sure, I haven't been to a class yet."

Yes, Virginia,

Penn State is no more relvant than Pitt.

In case you doubted the veracity of our previous claim, Penn State has not had a legitimate Heisman candidate in over a decade.

Voting Results 1st 2nd 3rd Total
Carson Palmer 242 224 154 1328
Brad Banks 199 173 152 1095
Larry Johnson 108 130 142 726

Finishing with just over half as many votes as the winner is not being a contender. Hell, he finished behind some guy who plays in the CFL now. And Jesus, he isn't even the most famous Larry Johnson in sports in the past 15 years.

It must hurt Nittany Lion fans to know that as much of a joke as Pitt football has been in the last 20+ years, Pitt has had more legitimate Heisman hopefuls than Penn State.

Panther Rants Soap Box

JoePa has been JoePooing an awful lot lately. His khaki trousers, for instance, will never be the same. But on Tuesday, while attending a function in Pittsburgh, Joe turned to a favorite subject of his to poo-poo, reviving the Pitt-Penn State gridiron rivalry.

Now, we at Panther Rants can understand the incontinent old coot's desires to have seven home games every year. What program wouldn't like to have that type of revenue generating opportunity? But for him to even suggest that Pitt should accept a 2-for-1 deal proves one of two things: the Alzheimer's has progressed to a severe level or in light of Jeff Long's track record of boneheaded moves, Joe thinks Long would actually accept such an arrangement. We think both might be correct.

Joe's arrogance and myriad of excuses are only a front used to cloak his real issues - he's a bitter, angry, confused, incontinent, irrelevant old fool who still bitterly clings to a grudge more than 25 years old. What really bothers us at Panther Rants is the absolute arrogance of JoePa.

Here's a clue to Joe and all the Nitters, your program is no more relevant on the national scene than Pitt. UPS has been to the same number of BCS bowls, has been to less bowl games overall and has less wins than Pitt this decade, it hasn't had a serious Heisman contender in over a decade and most every kid of college age wasn't yet born when you last won a national title.

Pitt has absolutely no reason to bow to UPS. Nitters like to claim that Pitt needs Penn State. That's a complete farce. In fact, the opposite is more true.

Penn State is, has been and always will be the red-headed step child of the Big Eleven. While Nitters get all geeked up to play the Ohio States, Michigans, Wisconsins and Iowas of the conference, those programs view Penn State no differently than they view Indiana or Northwestern - it's just another game on the schedule. Boy, it must suck to play a bunch of one-sided rivalries.

Panther Rants is a proponent of allowing this series to continue to lie in fallow as it really is of no benefit to Pitt. However, with nostalgia creeping in, Panther Rants isn't against the series resuming on a full-time basis.

What we find to be sad is that because one angry, bitter, misguided fool continues to carry a grudge of more than two decades, a whole new generation of Pennsylvania football fans - whether they be fans of Pitt, Penn State or fence riders - are being deprived of what was once one of college football's truly great rivalries.

Congratulations, Joe. Not only have you overstayed your welcome and ability to be effective as a coach, your legacy is now becoming that of a man so consumed by his own vendetta that he would put his own interest ahead of what is best for the state's two largest schools as well as the young fans of this once great game.

Panther Rants presents not-so-great ideas in sports that Pitt (amazingly) had nothing to do with

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Panthers Unveil 98th,99th,100th,101st and 102nd New Mascots of the Season

Pittsburgh---According to firsthand fictionalized accounts from sources within the athletic department, Pitt is set to unveil its latest round of new mascots for the upcoming football and basketball seasons. "We feel as though we haven't completely cornered the market on the Pitt branding, as there are still some renditions of panthers, cougars, and mountain lions which haven't graced our uniforms in some way. Until that is done, there is the chance that the casual fan won't immediately recognize the Panthers when watching them on TV. What's that? What do you mean Pitt Script? Nope, never heard of it. Sorry. Next question."

Just as we here at Pantherrants brought you the first sneek peek of "Dinobeagle", the 97th mascot of the season, we are proud to bring you advance previews of the next round of crap.

Pitt's Ferris to Hit the Stage

PITTSBURGH (PR) - In an unexpected announcement made by the Benedum Center for the Performing Arts, University of Pittsburgh Assistant Athletic Director in Marketing & Promotions Chris Ferris has been cast in the role of Little Orphan Annie for the Benedum's production of Annie scheduled to show in early October. "This is certainly an excellent opportunity for me to represent the Pitt athletic department and the University of Pittsburgh in the cultural realm," Ferris told Panther Rants in an exclusive telepathic interview. "The University's student population itself is made up of roughly half of a bunch of weird, artsy retards who will pounce all over the opportunity to purchase tickets for this event," Ferris added. "With this comes the opportunity for me to further market the Pitt Panthers to another realm of our great city, eventhough no one in their right minds will fall for this...In reality, I'm just happy to finally realize my dream of acting like a little, redheaded, step-child girl in the public eye, not just in dealing with Pitt fans and their e-mails." When asked if he was contemplating a sex-change for the role, Ferris stated that he's "Wayyyy ahead of you guys...This is my purpose in life, to be a big, sloppy vagina and to show it to the public."

Billy Hillgrove-Shakespeare, producer of Annie, felt that Ferris brought a "brand new attitude to the fiel...I mean stage. Chris will be taking it to the house for a touchdow...err, encore, and everyone will be on their feet in Heinz Fie...Benedum Hall for this show." Hillgrove-Shakespeare, reknowned for his media expertise in the city of Pittsburgh, is more than confident that the performing arts sect of the public will embrace this notion of Pitt athletics mixed with Pittsburgh performing art culture. "It's important that Pitt athletics do a 'check with me' with their potential marketing and fanbase, and then call a wait it's a fumble! Now they're saying incomplete? INTERCEPTED! What are we talking about again?" Hillgrove-Shakespeare then proceeded to drop his bottle of Scotch and was then unavailable for further comment on the subject.

Ferris reiteratted that the opportunity to capitalize on a previously untapped market was far too good to pass up. "We loved those UPMC commercials with the Pittsburgh Ballet and the Steelers football team being meshed into the same entity, as it proves that sports and art can go hand-in-hand. We've done some effective marketing research into this nuance and have discovered that people would now rather watch a bunch of gymnasts and fags dance in tights and leotards than watch Pitt football." Although there is some despair in these findings, Ferris remains opptimistic of this new marketing scheme. "We want to re-establish the good, honest, trustworthy relationships with our fanbase...basically, we want them to see past our arrogance, ignorance, and utter retarded actions over the past decades and to fork over all of their money to us while we don't listen to a word they say." Tickets for Annie will go on sale at the Pitt-Grambling State game, with an unlimited number of tickets still available for the game on Sepetember 8th at Heinz Field.

Pitt Athletic Department Receives Yet Another Award

Panther Rants has learned that later this week, the University of PIttsburgh Athletic Department will receive the prestigious Enron/WorldCom New Coke Award, for exemplary business acumen and vision. This award comes on the heels of the announcement of another new logo for Pitt athletic teams, the 34th such change in the last 10 years. Pitt Athletic Director Jeff Long touted the award as "Another prime example of how I am taking Pittsburgh Athletics to the stratosphere. My work in refining the look of our athletes as they take the field is unparalleled since that guy who came up with the logo for the Denver Nuggets". Long continued, "We know a number of qualified marketing firms would scoff at the idea of not doing any market research when unveiling a new face of a major university, but I assured Chancellor Nordenberg that we had everything under control, and he liked that we were using seaonsed veterans Roberto C. Goizueta and Donald R. Keough". When reached for comment, former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, recipient of the inaugural award, said "...........................". We here at Panther Rants could not have said it better ourselves.

Pitt Announces Newest Corporate Partnership

OAKLAND (PR) – The University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department held a press conference this morning to confirm Pitt's newest corporate affiliate, the Gillette Corporation.

The news, delivered by Pitt Athletic Director Jeff Long, coincides with the unveiling of the "cleaned-up" Panther logo for Pitt Athletics. "We felt that with our 'cleaning-up' approach to revising the current Panther logo, we should make a fiduciary partnership with a company that has become world-reknowned for 'cleaning-up nice,' and what better brand to associate yourself with than Gillette?"

In creating this effective business relationship, Pitt has launched an advertising campaign aimed at those who use Gillette products before, during, or usually after watching Pitt football games to slit their writs.

"We've always heard the slogan that Gillette is 'The best a man can get,' well we're taking it to a whole new level," Long said.

With the new Panther logo, Pitt Athletics and Gillette have come up with a new marketing phrase to advertise this change: Gillette, the best a Panther can get.

"The opportunity for making tens of dollars from our fiercely loyal fanbase cannot be missed," said Long. "By undertaking this endeavor, we are assured of not missing the boat in terms of revenue opportunities... I mean, someone obviously has to pay for my O-Fries."

Gillette spokesman Willie Shaversnatch was also on hand to field questions from reporters, and spoke of the incredible opportunity presented with this new partnership.

"We, at Gillette, firmly believe in the concept of a smooth, close shave. That's exactly what we've given Pitt's beloved Panther," Shaversnatch stated. "Be prepared to see more coming changes to the Pitt image by way of the Gillette corporation."

One such unveiling planned is the new-look Roc the Panther mascot. "We don't want to elaborate too much and spoil the surprise," Long added. "But we can tell you folks with certainty that there's nothing quite nicer out there than a shaved pussy."

More details will come of these promotions when they are announced by the Pitt Athletic Department.

When questioned as to the script Pitt logo once again being passed-over in this new rendering of athletic trademarks, Long commented "What? Clean-shaven cat? Mach 3 Turbo Pitt Football? I can't understand what you're saying... you must be in the vocal minority."

Long then opened fire with a 12-gauge shotgun, striking a direct blow to the reporter's testicles. He was then halfway eaten by Pitt Strength and Conditioning Coach Buddy Morris, also in attendance at the press conference, who then proceeded to allow Gillette's Shaversnatch to shave off the reporter's beard and ass hair before dumping the remains of the body in an unidentified Petersen Events Center toilet.

Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette was 59 years old.

If Pitt Athletics ran the U.S. Open

If the University of Pittsburgh Athletic department ran the U.S. Open this past week instead of the United States Golf Association.

(1.) The first pairing would have been going off on the first and 10th tees at 4 a.m. instead of shortly after sunrise. "We felt that having these guys start shortly after last call at the bars really gives our fans the best opportunity to see them and put in a half day of work after the golf," said athletic director Jeff Long in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants.

Of course, Long conveniently forgot that not a single golfer could see the Goddam ball. The cut mark would end up being +73.

(2.) The Oakmont squirrel logo would be altered to look more "menacing."

"Although golf is a gentleman's game, it has evolved to be a bit more testosterone-driven than it once was," Long said. "We wanted a logo that really showed what our tournament was really all about."

With pissed off golfers barely breaking 100 and Oakmont members irked by the logo changes, Pitt then...

(3.) moves the Final round to a Wednesday night to accomodate a primetime slot on ESPN2.

"We really felt that this time slot was better to show off the athleticism of these fine players to the world. Having the fourth round coincide with Father's day really hindered us from attracting that elusive 'casual fan' that we've been tryingto introduce our product to since sometime around 1895. We feel this new time slot will allow us to do that."

There's just one problem. Oakmont Country Club isn't equipped with lights. So, lastly, Pitt...

(4.) Moves the tournament to the Fort Cherry Golf Club.

"Now we're talking," said Long. "This course is much better suited for hosting a Major championship than old, musty Oakmont. Every damn fairway - every one - has a light pole on it. Not to mention nobody lives out that way so there's plenty of room for us to park cars...and to allow Chas Bonasorte to sell his 'U.S. Open: Okemount' shirts."

Monday, June 18, 2007

"Hyena-Dog" Unveiled

OAKLAND (PR) – At a late evening press conference Sunday at the Pitt Stop, corner of Forbes Avenue and Bigelow Boulevard, University of Pittsburgh athletic director Jeff Long unveiled an updated, simplified version of the Panthers' infamous torch-cut "Dino-Cat" athletic logo that has been in use since 1997.

"Today marks a great day in the history of Pitt Panther athletics," Long said in a prepared statement in front of crowd of one shopper and a panhandler.

Long described the inspiration for the new mark. "After a tremendous amount of fan input clamoring for the script Pitt logo, we decided to take the existing Dino-Cat and smooth the edges in Adobe Photoshop. The computer program did a swell job of negating the bias of our loyal fans and rendering a hyena-dog hybrid. Our football team stinks like cat shit and plays like bitches, so the new brand reflects our identity perfectly."

Reaction was mixed. Jim Snyder, editor of, a website dedicated to stalking beefy man-studs recruited by Pitt, supported the change. "The new logo is another fine example of the Jeff Long's strong leadership here at Pitt," Snyder proclaimed. When asked if the statement reflected his true feelings, he remarked that "does not want to hurt [their] chances in getting media credentials from the U."

Former Pitt athletic director Steve Pederson, now at the University of Nebraska, said "What the fuck?" Other fans likened the new logo to a beagle or pit bull.

Former head football coach Wlat Harris was unavailable for comment.

Long sought to defend his rationale of simply updating Pitt's graphic arts package rather than overhauling it completely and reverting back to the popular script Pitt, saying "we go half-assed or we don't go at all."

In related news, Long announced that he was out of peanut butter after his dog licked it all off his testicles and needed to run to Giant Eagle for a new jar. Currently, a pair of tickets to the Panthers' September 8th clash with Grambling is available with every purchase of Skippy™-brand peanut butter. Ticket supply is unlimited.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Panther Rants Exclusive: New Pitt "Logo"


Buddy Morris Keeps Players Motivated With Innovative Training

Since bringing on Buddy Morris as Pitt's new strength and conditioning coach, there is a palpable sense of excitement in the locker room. Players complained that last year, S&C Coach Mike Kent had them only working out with Jane Fonda pregnancy videos, elastic bands, geriatric chair aerobics, those metal contraptions that are hooked onto doorknobs, and something called the "igallop". Consequently, many players confessed that they didn't try hard during the games. Some anonymous players have even admitted because of the S&C coach, they lost 4-5 games that they otherwise would have won.

Not so with their new "Buddy". Message board posters across the land are still giddy about Pitt being able to steal away the greatest strength and conditioning coach ever from the University of Buffalo, where he worked his magic by transforming a previously lackluster 1-10 team in 2005 to a "better than their record shows" 2-10 team in 2006. Said one former Buff, "There's no way we beat both Kent and Temple in the same season without Buddy pushing us hard. Man, that dude did some crazy stuff. Bench presses, squats, something called a clean and jerk. I don't know where he came up with this stuff, but it worked."

Similarly, Pitt players have said that they would not be surprised if Pitt wins the national championship because of his innovative training techniques of having players lifting weights to "build strength" and running "to increase speed and endurance". Whereas before Coach Kent would simply have the players use the old-fashioned machine that has the strap shaking a player's belly to lose weight, Coach Morris is experimenting with ground-breaking techniques such as diet modification combined with exercise to improve players' physiques. Some have even said that not only does Morris use "metal" weights during his innovative training sessions, but sometimes he uses other heavy objects such as cars or tree trunks. Whether one can get stronger by lifting items other than traditional barbells, or whether a player can learn to run faster by doing it in the early morning hours boot-camp style, remains unproven. But one thing is for sure: you aren't going to find players lifting weight and doing cardiovascular exercise at other football programs, and that may be the difference between a 6-6 Pitt team and 13-0 national championship team.

Cooking with Clowser

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants is happy to announce a new feature. Chase Clowser has agreed to contribute with his own article where he will share some of the secrets from his kitchen. So without furthe ado...

Chase here to say foude gude. Chase like eat...mahhhhhh. Chase like eat lots things. Chase once eat poop; he thought it piece of fudge. Not taste too bad so he ate more. Chase realee lyke chikn wings. Here how he maik.

1. Chase chase down bird in coop. He rips head off wif mouf.

2. Chase next boil chikn and rip dem fethers rite off.

3. Chase next cook chikn by putting on real hot car dashbored on realee hot day.

4. Chase next go to naybor's house when he not home. He take bbq sauce and make nose run juice (Chase not know what it called). He mix too of them together.

5. Chase then is sleepy from all da work. He drink bout 25 beers and take nap wif his his best friend, My Buddy. My Buddy always there for Chase in hard times. My Buddy some time talk to Chase after Chase drink beer and smoke the poop smelled stuff he get from Elija Fields.

6. Chase next get chikn from car. He rip apart and put in bolw wif the sauce. Chase then eat chickn wing very fast cuz he like eat chickn wing and chickn wing tast realee goude.

Chase also want say that he sometime skip cooking chikn. Like, if not hot outside for car to get hawt. Chase just eat chikn raw. Still good Chase think.

Chase thank Pitt fans and will give more recipey soon. Buy-buy!