Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

NBA Draft Update

Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has learned that the Portland Trailblazer's are considering alternatives to taking phenom Greg Oden with the first pick. Blazer's head coach, Nate McMillan, commented, "Greg has a lot of the things teams are looking for: he's tall, athletic, has good range, and moves very well." When asked about the team's concerns, the Blazer's staff said, "Oden just isn't a cultural fit. Here in Portland, we really have no interest in winning or being competitive; they hired me for god's sakes. We're quite happy coming in last place and still filling our arena. Also, Oden probably is really 65 years old; there's no telling how long he can actually play."

McMillan discussd the Blazer's plans for the first pick. "We're taking a strong look at that big Lurch dude from Pitt [Aaron Gray]. First off, he's big. Second, he's white. Third, he's lousy. And finally, he's a filthy hippie. Frankly, he's our dream guy; when not on the court, he can replace lightbulbs. It's just one less thing to worry about."

An anonymous NBA staffer from the Sonics discussed this new development. "This is the worst thing I can imagine. We have been actively trying to top Portland as being the worst team in the NBA. But first they steal our horrible coach and now they are stealing Lurch from us. He was our guy; he listens to Pearl Jam, he drinks lattes...he was ours to lose. I mean, how else are we going to get out of this godforsaken town now? You know anyone in Seattle that cares about basketball? Me either."

When asked for comment, Lurch, I mean Aaron Gray, said, "Portland is cool. Or Seattle. I don't care really; as long as they take my teammate, Vanilla Ice, I'm happy. I mean, the guy scored 40 points for the Canadian national team. You mean to tell me that he can't play in the NBA? Steve Nash never did that." Pantherrants also spoke with Ice Ice Baby, "I'll go wherever. I'm just happy to have the opportunity to get my dad a job as the organ player. He's an accomplished musician if you haven't heard it already about 5 million times."


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