If the University of Pittsburgh Athletic department ran the U.S. Open this past week instead of the United States Golf Association.
(1.) The first pairing would have been going off on the first and 10th tees at 4 a.m. instead of shortly after sunrise. "We felt that having these guys start shortly after last call at the bars really gives our fans the best opportunity to see them and put in a half day of work after the golf," said athletic director Jeff Long in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants.
Of course, Long conveniently forgot that not a single golfer could see the Goddam ball. The cut mark would end up being +73.
(2.) The Oakmont squirrel logo would be altered to look more "menacing."
"Although golf is a gentleman's game, it has evolved to be a bit more testosterone-driven than it once was," Long said. "We wanted a logo that really showed what our tournament was really all about."
With pissed off golfers barely breaking 100 and Oakmont members irked by the logo changes, Pitt then...
(3.) moves the Final round to a Wednesday night to accomodate a primetime slot on ESPN2.
"We really felt that this time slot was better to show off the athleticism of these fine players to the world. Having the fourth round coincide with Father's day really hindered us from attracting that elusive 'casual fan' that we've been tryingto introduce our product to since sometime around 1895. We feel this new time slot will allow us to do that."
There's just one problem. Oakmont Country Club isn't equipped with lights. So, lastly, Pitt...
(4.) Moves the tournament to the Fort Cherry Golf Club.
"Now we're talking," said Long. "This course is much better suited for hosting a Major championship than old, musty Oakmont. Every damn fairway - every one - has a light pole on it. Not to mention nobody lives out that way so there's plenty of room for us to park cars...and to allow Chas Bonasorte to sell his 'U.S. Open: Okemount' shirts."
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