Ask Wlat - June 29

It's Friday which means it's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former Pitt coach takes time out of his busy week to answer questions from his many admirers. Wlat is in Pine Needles, North Carolina this week, site of this year's Women's U.S. Open. He'll be followin around Morgan Pressel all day today in the hopes of getting an upskirt shot.

My Beloved,

Greetings: I am sorry to intrude into your private and peaceful life, all the same My name is Mr.John Luke,I work as an accountant in a bank; I contacted you to work together with me in claiming my late client's estate. Unfortunately he died without a registered next of kin and as such the funds now have an open beneficiary status. You could be made the beneficiary since you share the same last name with him. This has officially transferred the right to you, as no other person from his family knows anything about this fund with our bank.If you are interested in working with me, please get back to me as quickly as possible, so that I will give you the details of what we are to do. I will wait for your prompt response so that I can give you more briefing of what you need to do and how to do it.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation

Mr John.

Dear John,

You must be really desperate to share this newfound wealth with a complete stranger, as this is the second time you've e-mailed me this week.

It is, you know, with great regret that I decline your offer. Thanks to the sheer benevolence (or maybe it's stupdity) of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford University, I now have more money than I could ever possibly spend. I live a very comfortable life with my car, the Wlatillac, my boat, the Wlatanic, and my dog, Wlat Tin Tin.

Also, I stand no financial gain from this proposition. According to the paperwork filed in court, 57-percent of the proceeds would be earmarked for the 18 alimony payments to 13 ex-wives (go ahead and take your best crack at that one) and the other 43-percent shall be devoted to paying off my tab at Beemer's strip club in McKeesport.

One final question. If there aren't any next of kin, who the fuck identifed the guy to the medical examiner?

wlat,

do you wish you could go back to the fiesta blow and actually put together a gayme plan.

Signed,

Mountain West Conference

Aww, hell naw.

When it became obvious that that ol' Wlatmeister was being pushed out the door that trip became all about checking out chicks at The Library and less about football. Think about this for a minute: you're working at a school that has done nothing but piss and cry that they want to go to a BCS bowl game, you know. So you coach them to a BCS bowl game, and they can your ass anyways....

But, they tell you, "Sure Wlat. Go ahead and coach in the bowl game. What's the worst that could happen?" Are you fucking kidding me? If we get our ass kicked, I still get fired. If we beat them 72-6, I still get fired. If your boss told you "We're letting you go at the end of July, but we'll still allow you to show up and claim a paycheck until then," would you give a shit about your job?

If they had any sense at all they would have fired me at the end of 2003 when I bitched up the entire season. I was practically BEGGING to be canned with all of the excuses that I made to the press. But like a teenage boy on a first date they caught none of the signals. Then again, I'm not, you know, surprised. This is an athletic department that has no idea how to draw a panther.

Wlat,

What is the difference between you and the titanic and David Hasselhouf? I can't find any difference. If you could tell me that would be great.

You're a blue-star douchebag if you don't, you know, know the answer to this one. I mean, you might be dumber than the people that sit in the 500 level if you don't know.

When my car talks to me, I tell that bitch to shut her hole.

Well, I better get rolling if I'm gonna catch the shift change at the Pine Needles Denny's. Everyone have a happy and safe weekend and, if you're going to the Pirates game Saturday for the sole reason of walking out, why not cut out the middle man and just keep your fat ass on the couch?

Send questions and comments to AskWlat@gmail.com