Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Ask Wlat - June 22

It's Friday, which means it's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former Pitt coach takes questions from his throng of many admirers. Wlat took last week off to go to Oakmont Country Club, site of this year's U.S. Open, and sexually harass the volunteer staff. He came away from the experience with a new bag tag and a welt on his temple.

Dear Wlat,

We need legal advice. We are "not pleased" with Jeff Long's new logo for Pitt. It infringes upon our brand and intellectual property (our anatomy) that we have developed over millions of years of evolution. Do we have a case? Who do you suggest we hire for counsel? This is going to be one "ruff" court battle.

The International Order of Canines

Dear Dawgs,

Christ, that thing's brutal, ain't it? Remember when my agent called Pitt a redheaded stepchild? Well, part of that was because of the logo. I mean, how could I be respected as a coach going into a kid's house to recruit him with that thing on my golf shirt? And the new looks like it smoked more weed that Ki Downey did.

Memo to the athletic department: in college, letters work better than logos. If you don't believe me, look at Wisconsin's "W," Michigan's block "M," Arizona's "A," Stanford's "S," and....on second thought, don't look at anything Stanford. Hell with 'em.

Dear Wlat,
Are you glad you worked for me and not the bozo in place there now?

Smilin' Stevie


Well, will ya' look at this? An e-mail from ol' Steve. Suuuuuure, NOW you find my contact information. What about when you had the coaching vacancy a few years ago? What about the 23 resumes I faxed, with the accompanying 78 follow-up calls? Whaja go through, Steve, 26 coaching candidiates? And not once did you call me. I even left you a message in tears, PLEADING "Steve, please put a word out. You have no idea what you're doing for my credibility by not interviewing the coach you hired at your previous job. For Crissakes, I have a Flintstones charcter on my golf shirt as a logo. Help!" But nope, not even an e-mail from Stevie.

But now that Steve's back in the saddle again and riding high, now he's gonna e-mail. Uh huh. Nice, dude, you know, nice. Here's hoping Bubble Boy malfunctions and attacks you.

Dear Wlat,

What is the minivan of choice among the Wives of Boosters set? I'd imagine you've been in the back of several of them at various times, which did you like the best, and why?


Dear #10,

First off, if this the same "#10" I believe it is, stop with the love letters. Yes, we had fun together back in the day but it's time to put things in the past.

Secondly, I've never been much of the minivan type, myself. For starters, it's much too easy to get caught. Secondly, minivans are always filled with soccer equipment, tee ball bats, gloves and miscellaneous, you know, bullshit.

Lastly, who the hell rolls in a van anymore? The fuck do I look like? Tony Danza? No, for my money, I'll always prefer the greatness and power that was the Oldsmobile Toronado. Sporty on the outside and roomy on the inside, this vehicle was one of the bright spots for General Motors back in the 1980s.

Plus, I kinda think the front end looks like Tom Freeman.

Well, that's all for me. I'm gonna go put some ice on my sore temple. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend and remember: It's annoying to be at a golf tournament and yell "GET IN THE HOLE!" at Tiger Woods. But it's apparently harassment to yell "LEMME GET IN THE HOLE!" at the girl working at the XM counter.

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