Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Picking the Brain of a Pitt Guru
Here at Panther Rants, we strive to bring the Pitt faithful the most up-to-date, comprehensive Pitt athletics news coverage in the Panther nation. There are times, however, when we even have to yield way to the true experts in their respective fields to give you the best coverage possible. Today the word is recruiting, and who better than to sit down and chat with us but recruiting guru Harry G. Psaros, resident Rivals/Scout/Wyndell William's Top 25/ICU Pitt writer? Harry's expertise and knowledge of beefy, steamy, man-studs is unparalleled in the college recruiting field. Today, exclusively on Panther Rants, you'll hear some of the secrets and incredible insight that help to make Psaros THE expert on Pitt recruiting.
So, without further ado...
Panther Rants: Harry, we can't be more pleased that you're taking time to be with us today. Welcome to Panther Rants!
Psaros: Ah man, it's MY pleasure to be here for it is I that am more than pleased to be joining you and our great fans. I haven't been this excited since I learned of Anthony Morelli's intention to bring his stud physique and beautiful buttocks to Pitt!
PR: Indeed, Harry. It was a shame that we lost out on Anthony Morelli...Looking back at that situation, can you possibly elaborate on as to how that saga unfolded the way it did on the recruiting end?
Psaros: Well guys, it's pretty simple: Morelli didn't have a good poop after his visit to Pitt. He was constopated, and really couldn't fire out from his strong sphincter cannon much like he fires footballs and rub outs from his right arm.
PR: Did you just cite "poop" as the reason he didn't follow through on his verbal committment to Pitt?...One would imagine it would come down to things like facilities, campus atmosphere, playing time, relationship with the coaching staff and the like. We're kind of dumbfounded here, Harry...care to elaborate?
Psaros: You bet man...Folks, it's all about number 2. Want to know a wonderful secret to reading how a recruit will lean in their search for their school? Just watch them poop. If you put your life aside to watch the intimate details of a high school kid, especially in the bathroom, you're sure to uncover the truth. In the case of Anthony, he had already given strong oral to Pitt and Wlat Harris. During his visit to the UPMC practice facilities and to campus, however, something wasn't quite right. The WOP ate at Joe Mama's during that visit and ate the chicken parmesan while I had a tossed salad. During that time, Anthony had several trips to the men's room where he was heard muttering "C'mon man...come outta there. This shit is gonna be fierce if I can ever get it out..." Problem is for Anthony, it didn't come out for days. That's why he wavered on his committment to Pitt, because he couldn't shit!
PR: Fascinating! These details have never before been released, folks, so you're hearing it here first from the guru-in-chief! In that case, Harry, can you recall some positive bowel movements that have led to Pitt receiving committments from prospective recruits?
Psaros: Man, I tell ya we've been fortunate to have more than a few! My favorite as of recently is quarterback and man-stud extraordinare Pat Bostick. I tell ya, I've never had some a hard-on for a high school kid like this one, especially after I saw him poop. During his visit to Pitt, Pat stopped into Uncle Sam's and got himself a huge, beefy, man steak with the works. By the smell of his farts radiating throughout the restaurant while he ate it, I was already optimistic in regards to Pitt's chances of landing him. Later that evening, Pat sat down on the toilet and the rest was history. After an orgasmic defecation filled with exhilarating groaning and pleasure, Pat admired his work that he left in the camode. Proudly, he exclaimed "Dammmmn that was good! I wanna shit like that all the time...PITT IS IT, BABY!" Man, I've never been more excited to receive oral in my life. It was like my newborn taking a dump for the first time and me burying it in the backyard for luck!
PR: Wow, that IS exciting indeed! It's great to know that Pat Bostick is that excited to join this wonderful program. Once again, folks, unbelievably revealing details that only a true expert on stalking high school boys for the good of his favorite college can gather! Harry, how is it that you're so good at gathering facts?
Psaros: It's a gift, brother. You just gotta know when and where to look, especially in regards to a recruit's bowel regularity. It's just a natural sense that you get when you love stud boys as much as I do!
PR: One last question here, Harry, if you don't mind...we don't want you to reveal all of your recruiting secrets that make you the Pitt guru that you are! When it comes to verbal committments, how serious are they and how should they be interpreted by the fans?
Psaros: That's a bit more difficult to read, man. Basically, I see it as how Coach Wannstedt feels the next day. If a stud gave him a strong oral, he'll be all smiles and in a great mood the next day. He even doesn't mind running errands with his wife, it's like nothing can make him upset. If the kid gave him soft oral, however, it's a completely different story. He'll be much more timid and closed in his persona the next day. In fact, he may even get a little upset if you aren't careful with what you say. Usually, those are the telling signs of the extent of a man-stud's oral. Fans should kinda look for these indications when Coach is interviewed after receiving a oral. Of course, there is nothing binding and impregnating about orals, so regardless of how strong it may be it is by far from a guarantee that the man-boy stud will come back to continue the relationship with Coach and Pitt.
PR: Incredible stuff, Harry. To say that this is an absolutely fascinating perspective on the high school recruiting scence is the understatement of the year! Harry, we can't thank you enough for coming here today and spilling some of your great recruiting secrets. I think we've all learned a little something by listening to your infinite wisdom and we'll be sure to look for those tells when we follow the Pitt recruiting trail! Again, Harry, it's been more than a pleasure to have you here on Panther Rants!
Posted by Sam Crowe at 3:09 PM