BREEZEWOOD, Pa. (PR) – Pitt Athletic Director, Jeff Long, was honored today as Athletic Director of the Year. The award, presented by former Pitt and current UT- Chattanooga AD, Oval Jaynes, is presented to the NCAA Division I Athletic Director that most exemplifies Jaynes' vision to systematically destroy the performance and success of a university's athletic department.
The ceremony, held between the two back dumpsters outside the Sheetz in Breezewood, featured the 4 finalists and Jaynes. "These men before you today represent the finest in Division I Athletic Directors," Jaynes stated. "All of the candidates should be proud of the extraordinary hard work and dedication to their craft." "First, we'd like to recognize Rick Greenspan from Indiana University. We knew he was going to be a contender when he chose Kelvin Sampson to lead the basketball program."
"Our second finalist is Paul Dee from the University of Miami, FL. Paul not only chose to ignore basketball completely, but he also took it upon himself to screw up the football program. I mean, murders, on-field fights, keeping a fired head coach on for a bowl game in Idaho? Hard to top."
"The third finalist comes from the University of Washington where Todd Turner has been named as a finalist for the second consecutive year. Frankly, you keep on Ty Willingham as your football coach and you're an automatic finalist."
"The hands down winner though is Jeff Long from the University of Pittsburgh." When asked how Long managed to wrestle the title away from the other finalists, Jaynes pointedly stated,"The guy screwed up a nationally televised football game by getting the kick-off time wrong, thereby losing significant revenue and ruining tailgating. Second, he kept Wannsted on - I mean, the guy is just begging to be fired. Third, he changed Pitt's logo again, at a time when no one thought it possible to make worse. Fourth, his poor marketing and lack of connection with the Pitt community has led to disenchantment with fans, alumni and students. They can't pay those kids to come to basketball games anymore."
Jaynes said there was one defining moment though. "Pitt held their spring football game where literally 5 people showed up. Instead of taking the time to go and shake every hand for actually getting off their fat sausage-filled asses, Jeff went to his private booth and let them know that he didn't just not care, he actually held those 5 fans in contempt. That's going way above and beyond. In fact, I heard he sneared and spat upon them at one point."
Pitt Chancellor Mark Nordenberg was on hand to praise his Athletic Director. "Jeff has done a great job for us this year and we realize we're going to have to give him a raise. All of us at the Pittsburgh School of Law are very proud of his accomplishments; and hopefully one day soon we'll be able to shed this ridiculous whole department." When told that he was actually Chancellor of the entire University of Pittsburgh, Nordenberg stated, "Son, I have no idea who you are but Pitt was founded exclusively as a law school. That's all it ever was and will be. If you don't want to believe that, I suggest you endorse this form acknowledging your receipt of my signed statement that you are insane. Also, please sign this cease and desist order of this conversation along with a notarized copy of your rights to go into that Sheetz and order me a Schmuffin and a large cup of coffee."
Finally, Athletic Director Long took the podium. "Today is the culmination of several years' hard work. Sure, destroying tradition, the football program, leaving the basketball program stagnant are all difficult. But do you know what it takes to literally not give half the school's programs even a field or area to practice and play games? I don't know that it's been done. Thanks to everyone in our Athletic Department, we were able to get it done."
Jaynes concluded, "Thank you to everyone who has participated this year. Jeff has certainly set the bar high. I encourage you all to go out there and make the 07-08 season a great one. And remember, only by your systematic destruction of collegiate athletics can we hope to show the world that incompetence, arrogance, and hatred for those you serve can be rewarded."