Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Dinocat found dead

SMITHFIELD, Va. (PR) – A Panther Rants investigation has revealed that Dinocat, the former University of Pittsburgh mascot, wasn't replaced on a whim but out of necessity.

According to sources close to the situation, Dinocat was among dozens of animal carcasses recently exhumed in the back yard of a Virginia home owned by NFL quarterback Michael Vick. The cause of death was unclear, but the property is at the center of a dog-fighting ring investigation.

According to one source who asked to remain anonymous, Dinocat had been taking part in the fights for years and was considered the heavyweight champion of the venue. He said Dinocat lost his life about two months ago, but it wasn't in the ring.

"He was done Tupac style, son," the anonymous source said. "D-cat was too good. He never lost. There were a lot of jealous handlers around the ring and someone popped a cap in his ass when he was mounted up on a bitch in heat. It was a clear set up."

The source said Panther fans should be proud of the mascot they never fully embraced. He said "D-cat's" combination of jagged edges for defensive protection and nasty demeanor led him to a 171-0 record against a slew of opponents that included dogs, mountain lions, a crocodile, a hippopotamus and Mike Tyson.

Only once, the source said, did D-cat have a close call in his nearly 200 fights.

"One dude brought a motherfuckin gorilla in here, man," the anonymous source said. "Can you believe that? An honest to shit silverback. D-cat got thrown around pretty good, but that gorilla went home missing an arm and has to sit when he pees."

Asked for substantiation of the story, police and University of Pittsburgh officials had no comment on the matter. They neither confirmed nor denied Dinocat's involvement with the ring while noting the ongoing criminal investigation.

One Pitt source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed Dinocat's demise. He said Dinocat first got involved with prize fighting in 2003 when, like so many Pitt fans, he became disillusioned and distant after the Pitt football team gravely underperformed.

"Dino just felt he had to do something for Pitt - something to save face," the Pitt source said. "But he got swept up into a lifestyle. It wasn't just about winning, it was about being king of the jungle - literally he did everything he could to try to sucker lions into fights, but they never took the bait. The Nittany Lions even turned tail and ran.
"That's when the drug use started. At first, it was just a few horse tranquilizers to help deal with the pain, but then he got into all kinds of crazy stuff and pulled away from those who would have helped him."

Friends said they are awaiting word from authorities as to when the body will be released for burial. The Pitt source said the university is planning a memorial service for Dinocat prior to the Grambling football game.

It will be similar to the memorial service held last year that recognized the passing of Pitt greats Craig Heyward and Marshall Goldberg. It is planned for 4:15 a.m. at Heinz Field and will last about 15 seconds.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Can you hear my one hand clapping? THat was the shizzle, I see an Onion contract in your future.

Keep up teh good work!

Bates street wing joint.