Blawnox, PA - As a long-time independent and a 20 year run in an also-ran conference of meatballs, Pitt finally enters into a legitimate conference. In their first year in the ACC, the pundits picked Pitt to finish 5th in their division. But let's get a little more specific and outline exactly how, and why, the games will end up. The season officially begins in a few short days so let's get started there.
1. Florida State @ Pittsburgh: Both teams are starting a new QB. FSU loses EJ Manuel to the first round of the NFL and Pitt loses Tino Sunseri to the Galapagos turtle colony. On defense, Pitt returns 9 starters with 2 of them being actually decent players and the rest a bunch of mediocre cheeseballs. FSU has a bunch of over-hyped, over-recruiter, poorly coached cheeseballs so this is a push. In the end, Pitt is as Pitt does and they fumble at the one yard line going in for the winning score in the 4th quarter. Also, it's a big game with a national tv audience at home...so there's that.
Final result: FSU: 20, Pitt: 16.
2. New Mexico @ Pittsburgh: Pitt starts out slow, which is a bad sign. New Mexico blocks a punt and scores from the 10 yard line. They return a kickoff for a TD. Pitt QB, Tom Savage, is replaced in the 3rd quarter by a bucket of chicken (through praying to both Joboo and Colonel Sanders), who brings the team back from a 17-3 deficit to 17-13 by the end of the 4th quarter. A defensive lapse leaves Pitt on a 4th and 1 but confusion on the sideline leads to not calling the timeout. The game clock strikes zero with both the field goal unit and the starting offense on the field, with confused faces and hands in the air.
Result: UNM: 20, Pitt 17.
3. Pittsburgh @ Duke: A late season hurricane passes through North Carolina leaving a mess on the field. In front of 12 total fans, Duke returns a fumbled punt in the 2nd quarter for a 7-0 lead. Pitt, with several open scholarships after several more players quitting the team, signs 2 Mallard ducks at half-time to the squad (team names them: Donald and Daffy). Donald takes the reigns under center with Daffy in the backfield. Running the Pistol, they move down the field easily to tie the score at 7-7. Unfortunately, a redneck fan shoots both ducks and Tom Savage returns to the field for Pitt. Eventually, Duke gets in a field goal and wins the game. The teams come together afterward for a post-game duck meal.
Result: Duke: 10, Pitt 7.
4. Virginia @ Pittsburgh: In strange fashion, Virginians come to work in Western Pennsylvania for the first time since 1857 versus the traditional WPA person going to Virginia. Virginia, as is their standard operating procedure, acts snooty at their hotel. The starting QB gets punched out by a Yinzer at the McDonald's at Station Square but ends up able to play. UVA starts the game, trying to give it away with 3 turnovers in the first half. Pitt, being the cordial hosts, gives up 4 turnovers in the first half. Heading into the first quarter, Pitt is granted 3 points by new NCAA rules that allow the home team a few points if they're complete idiots. So with Pitt winning 3-0, they pooch-kick the opening kickoff, which is returned for a TD, thereby proving that Gdo hates Pitt, also proving that Pitt is stupid, regardless of coach or administration. Eventually, UVA just runs the ball straight at a beleaguered Pitt defense and scores on a 1 yard TD where the Pitt defense is distracted by singing "Sweet Caroline."
Result: UVA: 10, Pitt 3
5. Pittsburgh @ VA Tech: Starting their ACC opening season 0-4, Pitt is looking for some hope. Luckily, it's "bitch" is 5th on the schedule. Pitt shows up on Friday in Blacksburg and the players take to campus. They bring booze, weed, and no condoms. Nine months later, Hokie-nation is spitting out newborns who speak "Yinzer-ease," and no one understands what's going on. Game time starts and in typical fashion, Pitt pistol-whips the Hokies early and often. It will be the best game of the season, as always.
Result: Pitt, 38, VA Tech, 17.
6. Old Dominion @ Pittsburgh: In typical fashion, Pitt is losing to a I-AA team for most of the game. Pitt takes the opening drive for an early lead but quickly fall to 7-10 and the shoot-out is on. ODU's QB, a kid who actually doesn't even know the rules of football or quite how to play it, throws for 400 yards and 4 td's. ODU is up by 5 late but the dumb ODU QB throws a pick-6 with 2 minutes remaining to save Pitt from the embarrassment of 2 straight seasons of I-AA losses.
Result: Pitt, 42, ODU, 40.
7. Pittsburgh @ Navy: Feeling some momentum, Pitt travels to Naptown against the Middies. They have a Goat mascot, which makes zero sense for a bunch of sailors, but I digress. The Middies do their usual stuff, and Pitt can actually run the ball WITHOUT fumbling. In remembrance of Barbara Bush, it turns ugly and Pitt takes control of the game.
Result: Pitt, 38, Navy, 20.
8. Pittsburgh @ GA TECH: GT is a really nice bunch of guys. And the team plays the same type of offense as Navy, only against dumber players. Pitt uses the same game plan but feels bad so fumbles a few times to make it interesting. But end up getting back to .500.
Result: Pitt, 38, GT, 28.
9. Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh: Notre Dame enters the game 9-0 and ranked #2 in the country. The Priests can smell both, the young boys within 2 miles of the stadium and another BCS Championship game. In typical Pitt fashion, they play their best in a game they have no business doing so. The Irish, after paying off the refs at half-time and getting gift calls, pull close. But the Pitt players retaliate by having their way with the ND cheerleaders, thereby leading to total protonic reversal. Professor Venkman studies the resulting DNA samplings and concludes that this magic sauce was first created when Slimer mated with Sigourney Weaver. The game ends when a giant marshmallow scores Pitt's final TD.
Result: Pitt, 27, ND, 24.
10. North Carolina @ Pittsburgh; Pitt's 5 game winning streak is like, the longest of all time. That may not be exactly right but it's probably close. Or something. The football Gods look down and are like, "Wait, wtf - who was managing this? Pitt doesn't win 5 in a row." The Gods take control and Pitt makes some decisions like, trying the swinging gate after a TD, they try the pistol with Tom Savage (slow white guy), and never stop. On defense, they put 12 guys in the box multiple times (Todd Thomas is told he's the 12th guy on the field and thinks it's a new trend by the Seattle Seahawks that is legal; Pitt sets an NCAA record for most "too many jackasses on the field" penalties in one game). They lose in epic fashion in front of a nice crowd, who all leave mid 2nd quarter.
Result: UNC - 44, Pitt, 16.
11. Pittsburgh @ Syracuse. I'm going to warn you: Troy Nunes is in attendance...and he's pissed. The Orange enter the game 1-9. They've got Pasqualoni on speed-dial. They're questioning their Judaism, citrus in general, and living in Hoth (Cuse gets more snow than anyone in the Continental 48). But all is well as the Panthers are in town. And they know, nothing is more lethal to a Panther than Nunes' Musk. The SU players have that musk on their jerseys, shoes, gloves, etc. Like Miley Cyrus, this game is ugly.
Result: SU, 34, Pitt, 12.
12: Miami @ Pittsburgh: Everyone is shocked that the NCAA has allowed UM to actually play football. Their collection of mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, punk-ass bitches, and skip-scap skanks, and skallywags, hoes, heifers, hee-hops, and hoolyhoops, present a tough matchup for the Panthers. But it's cold in Pittsburgh this time of year. And Pitt's Head Coach, Paul Chryst, has ordered reinforcements of Wisconsin cheddar. The cheese is like spinach for Popeye, and the Pitt players neutralize both the trick-ass marks, punk-ass bitches, AND the heifers on UM's team to regain the lead and hold on for the win.
Pitt, 26, Miami, 24.
Pitt ends the season 6-6, fingers crossed for the Tire or Crappy Birginham Bowl. But more importantly, the 6-6 record leaves fans with 9 months of arguing that the team is trending higher than .500 or lower. Bet well, my friends.
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Today is a great day for the University of Pittsburgh. We are now all grown up and legitimate. Being in the Big East felt like being the bastard child of the town slut and Eddie the use car salesman. I mean, we knowingly associated with WVU. Knowingly! It's been over a year since that ended and I still feel dirty.
So we last reached out to you, almost two years ago (post below). Our intention at the time was to say, "Thank you." And we remain thankful to be associated with such a good group of schools. However, some things have changed in those two years.
First off, the conference is much different. Gone will be Maryland. Joining Pitt and Syracuse are Notre Dame and Louisville. So in the spirit of accuracy, we feel we need to provide our thoughts to those new schools along with updating our previous stances on you guys. And now that we're officially in the conference, we're going to be pretty honest with some of you. We kind of feel as if we met on that first date a couple years ago and then some of you just let yourselves go. You know the feeling: you start dating a size 6 and two years later she's a size 12. Well, there are consequences for such behavior. And to be fair, some of you have really improved yourselves. So there's credit to give out. But enough with the explanations - let's get going.
1. University of Maryland: Alright, I've only got so much time for you. So many issues but you know that size 6 to 12 analogy I made? That doesn't apply to you. You're more like the size 6 to 18. You're just stupid. Look at yourself - just look at what you've become. "Oh, I have a great idea - I'll play shitty football for 100+ years in a crappy conference where no one really cares about football; and then go join a big conference who only cares about football, corn, and rust (in that order)." How dumb are you guys? We used to feel a kinship with you - now I'm just embarrassed that we share a border. Do you know what Minnesota is like in January? Have fun being the shit stain on the Fat 10's underpants. Dummies. Oh, and lacrosse is for douchebags.
2. North Carolina State University: Where have you been hiding? You don't call; you don't write. Do they have internet in that part of the South? Or did you forget to pay your Comcast bill? With all the problems at UNC, we would've thought you'd try to capitalize. I mean, how could a school with it's big in-state rival going through massive turmoil not make a big splash and seize the opportunity to gain new fans? I just can't imagine this sort of thing happening in another place, where the school colors of said rival are also blue and white. Wait - shit, I just caught myself in a mirror. Nevermind.
3. Wake Forest: I still don't know who you are and still don't care. You're colors are "shit' brown - wtf, dude? $50K per year to attend a school that's sole mission is to teach you how to market cigarettes - good grief. I've seen you out in the neighborhood; wearing Ralph Lauren at a Kenny Chesney concert is just tacky. But you don't care - you're head is so far up your ass that you could live in San Francisco. Dork.
4. Georgia Tech: Is it me or have you lost weight? Listen, I really appreciate the Birthday card but you're too much. You're just so nice, and smart. Could be a little funnier but that's ok. I've been meaning to tell you that I really feel bad about your BB team - I don't know what's going on there but you'll get better, because you're such a good guy. Stick with the white football helmets. Seriously, you're our favorite (don't tell anyone we said that though).
5. University of Virginia: Hey, great job killing off that poor Lacrosse girl. And here we thought you were cool. Well, I take that back - you're an asswipe. And you've gotten cockier. Let me just tell you that, yes, we are jealous of you. I mean, good Lord, there are 40 wineries within 30 minutes of your campus. And Charlottesville is tremendous. And your school is pretty good. Yes, I'm jealous - is that what you fucking wanted to hear? You don't have to be a dick about it. Still, though, if having all that means you have to wear a tie and shirt to a football game, I'm out. That's just the douchiest thing ever. I mean, of ALL FUCKING TIME. There's no crying in baseball and there are no ties in football, you douche!
6. Syracuse University: Well, buddy, we're in. I don't know how we pulled this off. Did you let Swofford bang Mrs. Boeheim or something? I mean, how the hell did we convince these guys that Syracuse and Pittsburgh have: a) good football programs, and b) decent winter weather? Those guys really are stupid; or maybe we're just brilliant. Whatever - good seeing you here. Now don't do something to screw it up because we both know we can't afford the exit fee. What's that? You're no longer in the Association of American Universities? Shit.
7. Boston College: Fuck you assholes. We still hate you and always will. Your colors suck, your town sucks, your school sucks, and your religion sucks. Everything about you has always sucked and always will. In fact, they found an ancient Egyptian temple with hieroglyphics all over that say, "Boston College Sucks." Nostradamus' lost works say that Boston College will suck forever. Your suckiness transcends space and time. You even smell bad - take a bath you freak. Oh, and Boston Cream Pie is about the worst desert ever.
8. Florida State University: On our first date, you were wearing a size 10 dress; and you still are today. I don't know what that says but it's probably, "ok." I don't know if I should like you, hate you, feel bad for you, or what. You dress up a white guy in Indian gear as a mascot - that's just so stupid; like, West Virginia stupid. But then you have those hot chics - I have to give you credit there. But then there's Jimbo Fisher and I'm like, "What the fuck?! You guys actually think he's a good coach??!!!" Maybe I should just wait to pass judgment. So be on notice: you are being evaluated at all times.
9. Notre Dame: Oh for God's sakes - just when we thought we were away from your creepiness, you're back in. You're like those pedophile Priests who get moved from Parish to Parish, creeping out a whole new set of kids. Did you know that we had to send everyone in the Conference to training on how to deal with you in the workplace? You're like an HR nightmare, you weirdo. I could tolerate this arrangement if you joined for football. But of course, NOOOOOO, you wouldn't do that. Oh, Brian Kelly is a murderer, by the way. And I'm pretty sure Mike Bray is too; I just don't have evidence...yet.
10. Clemson University: Look, this redneck thing is going a little overboard. It was funny at first. Just look at your dopey mascot's outfit - the thing looks like it was made by the Special Ed kids in Home Ec class. Have some self-respect. And Crocs aren't considered appropriate attire for a wedding. Listen, I'm not perfect either - have you seen my gut? I'm honestly trying to help. But what I'm saying is visiting the dentist twice a year wouldn't hurt. What kind of name is Dabo, anyway? You've got a lot of potential - you really do. And this is despite living in a State who's Governor is a complete immoral retard and they STILL voted him back into politics. But you've got to clean it up, just a little. Drink Budweiser instead of Milwaukee's Best, for God's sakes. And get the '67 Impala on blocks off your front yard.
11. University of North Carolina: Boy, oh boy, how the mighty have fallen. You remind me of Amanda Bynes: all nice and proper, things were going great, then you ran into the smack or something. Good grief. I think Roy Williams' basketball IQ dropped 50 points since we last talked. And for some reason, you think you're good enough to cheat and get away with it. You're not. And to think I used to respect you. Look at you now - I bet you have a bottle of vodka in your desk drawer right now. I'm trying to be your friend here - it's time for an intervention. 28 days in rehab and I think you'll be on the straight and narrow. But you have to want it; I can't do it for you.
12. University of Louisville: You're dumb and hot. Simple as that. Not much substance, no character, no personality. Just teased hair, fake boobs, high heels, and a thong bikini. You'll always have a job - someone will hire you to do SOMETHING. And I have to respect that - you use what you have. And sadly, you beat us in pretty much everything so who am I to look down on you. Still, you ARE dumb. That's ok - we're ugly and I'd take hot over ugly any day. Congrats.
13. Duke University: oh, your'e such an annoying little shit. Pompous little bitch. I know you got a perfect score on your SAT but you still have to get along with people in life. Maybe I'm not the smartest, or the richest, but I know how to have a good time with just about anyone. You? Yeah, you make more than me, and you live in that fancy house, and your wife has a great rack and the personal trainer keeps her in great shape. But you know what, my plus sized wife can beat her up if it comes to that. And my wife, will drink a beer and doesn't roll her eyes when I fart. So fuck you. Yes, you're better than me. But kiss my ass you prick.
14. Virginia Tech University: Meh - how can I hate you when I completely own you. I said it two years ago: even at your best you can't beat us. Fast forward to September 2012: Pitt loses it's opener to fucking Youngstown State. Did you hear me? Youngs-fucking-town State! What happens next? We cream your dopey team. What the hell is the matter with you? We suck - really, we can't do shit right in football? We can't even hire a Coach who lasts longer than 10 minutes. And we STILL kick your ass up and down the field.
Well, anyway, I really have no beef with you. It'd be like hating on a kid with Down's Syndrome. I'll just pat you on the head when you walk by and buy you a lollipop.
15. University of Miami: Just when I thought you were going to crawl back into your hole forever, you go out and get a decent BB team. You're like a friggin' cochroach - why won't you die? I suppose I'll have to take joy in the fact that your football program is done forever. Face it - that shit isn't coming back. You could get all of Michael Irvin's cocaine to power that engine back on but it's just not going to happen. I saw some National Geographic thing where it said most of the greater Miami area will be under water in 50 years due to rising sea levels. I just smiled and thought of your crappy school being washed away. But then I remembered that you really are a cockroach. Oh, yeah, one more thing - the pharmacy called to remind you that your VD medicine is ready for pick-up - stop hooking up with Jamaican prostitutes you nasty mother-fucker.
University of Pittsburgh