Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Pitt Announces Replacement for Sweet Caroline

Pittsburgh -

The University of Pittsburgh announced some changes for home football games.  In a controversial move, the beloved tradition of fans singing "Sweet Caroline," will be replaced with Sarah McLachlan's, "I Will Remember You."  Additionally, while the song is playing, the sad tortured animal videos commercial that the song is often associated with will be displayed on the Heinz Field video screen.  A member of Pitt's media department, Joyce McDougal, was asked about the change.  "Well, we wanted a song that was more representative of the mood of the fans in the stadium.  We know they're miserable so we wanted music that would match that emotion."

McDougal continued, "We're also doing away with some of the other 'hype' songs that have been played at the venue.  No more 'Crazy Train' and all of that nonsense.  You'll hear A LOT of Tori Amos and, 'Stan' by Eminem.  Further, during big 3rd downs for the defense, we'll be playing Johnny Cash's version of 'Hurt.'"

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Watson Lashes Out at Reporter After Loss to UNC

Chapel Hill (PR) - University of Pittsburgh Offensive Coordinator Shawn Watson got into a heated argument with a reporter and had to be restrained after the Panthers loss to North Carolina Saturday afternoon.
Watson, who is in his second year with Pitt, became openly hostile when a reporter from the West Chester Morning Wood asked his team's passing game.
"Look, I don't control what the rules are. Would I like forward passes to be legal, sure. But it is what it is," Watson said in a post game news conference.
When he was told that, not only are forward passes legal, but they have been for nearly 125 years, Watson yelled, "fake news" and lunged at the reporter. Watson was quickly restrained and removed from the room before he could answer whether or not he knew that it was legal to make halftime adjustments.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Five Things We’d Like To See Saturday

The editorial team at Panther Rants considered compiling a list of 10 things we’d like to see tomorrow afternoon in Pitt’s noon tilt with Georgia Tech, but given the complete ineptitude that was on display against Penn State last week, we felt that may be too aggressive. Truthfully, even a top three may be asking too much. Regardless, here at the five things we’d like to see tomorrow against the Yellow Jackets.

1.       Pat Narduzzi Not Get Flagged For Acting a Fool. We get it: he’s fiery. He’s passionate. He’s intense. He’s…the Naaaaard Dog!!!! He’s also an ass who gave Penn State great field position by not being able to keep his emotions in check. In comes Georgia Tech and Paul Johnson, a coach who, in addition to having a face that looks like a butt, has traded barbs and insults with Narduzzi in the past. Can we please please please avoid a game misconduct penalty this week?

2.       Shawn Watson. In typical Pitt fan fashion, this guy had one big win (the upset of Miami on Black Friday) and suddenly all prior sins were forgotten. Bottom line is this offense isn’t just unproductive, it’s boring. Couple that with Watson’s bizarre and downright idiotic play calling in the first half against the Nittany Lions and these next six weeks are fish or cut bait time. We don’t expect him to be Mike Leach or Norm Chow, because Lord knows he’s never shown even a glimpse of that. At this point, our only hope is for Watson to simply script the game right. Run when common sense says to run and vice versa with the pass. And, if for some reason you find yourself at the opposition’s four-yard-line on fourth down, come up with something better than that 1963 Woody Hayes piece of trash you threw at us last week. 

3.       An Improved O-Line. Although the offensive line has been pretty effective at opening space for the running game it’s been completely awful at protecting quarterback Kenny Pickett. At this point, given that this team probably wasn’t making a run at a national, ACC or probably Coastal title, the primary objective should be protecting the franchise QB. Should they do that, who knows? Maybe a receiver accidentally wanders to the wrong spot on the field and gets open. One can only hope.

4.       Secondary. The pass defense looked shaky in spurts against Albany and then was completely exposed – again – versus Penn State. James Franklin is an unscrupulous clown who isn’t nearly as smart as he believes, but give him credit for continuing to expose our weakness. Should things continue this will be the third friggin’ season of a questionable secondary. The good news is that Pitt plays a run-heavy option offense that was last popular when Dwight Eisenhower was President. The bad news is, in many instances, that hasn’t always mattered. Making average passers look NFL quality is a Pitt tradition which needs to stop.

5.      A Reason For Hope. Most of us don’t have any after last week. Most of us saw last week’s game as a measuring stick – not simply for where Pitt is in comparison to Penn State, but to nationally relevant programs – and have deep concerns about the play calls, player development and recruiting. Pitt need’s a solid performance Saturday, not just for it’s own self-esteem, but to give its fan base, recruits and administration a glimmer of hope that the boat isn’t sinking. One more pants shitting could cause insurmountable turmoil – which is great for snark factories like this one but not-so-great for anyone else.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

News In Brief: Narduzzi's Dog Gives Verbal Commitment to PSU
Blawnox (PR) -- It has not been a good week for Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi.
The embattled coach watched as his team was blown out Saturday night at home against Penn State, 51-6. Three days later, local recruiting target Joey Porter Jr. announced that he had committed to the Nittany Lions.
Now, it appears another Narduzzi commitment has bolted the program, with the family's dog - Penni - announcing earlier today that she too is planning on enrolling at Penn State next year.
"I just can't wait to get on that grass near Old Main and do my business, ya know," the dog said in a Twitter statement Tuesday afternoon.
Penni, 7 (49 in dog years), stated that she chose PSU because of its large rural campus as well as the large variety of "quality bitches." Penni had been leaning towards staying committed to Pitt but was discouraged by the events of Saturday night's game.
"I'm in my seat with the rest of the recruits and all of these people around us are yelling, 'siddahn.' So I did and no one pet me and said 'good girl,'" Penni Said. "They just looked around for more people to yell at."  

Monday, September 10, 2018

PSU Fan Still Salty From "We Are" Snub in Drug Store

McCandless (PR) -- With a 51-6 trouncing of in-state rival Pitt Saturday night at Heinz Field, Penn State fans were in a celebratory mood.
Well, all except one fan.
Sitting in his Shaler home Monday afternoon in a white Nike pullover with the PSU logo on the chest, 37-year-old Tyler Dodson is still smarting from the snub he received by an alleged fellow Nittany Lions fan at the CVS on McKnight Road Saturday afternoon. According to sources, Dodson was walking through a middle section of the store when he encountered a white female in a Penn State hooded sweatshirt. Upon seeing the female, Dodson yelled out "we are," expecting the woman to gleefully reply, "Penn State!"
Instead, the woman stared for a moment and then walked to the nail polish section.
"Bro, like, what the fuck?" Dodson said while cracking open a third Red Bull in less than 20 minutes. "Everyone knows that. And it's gameday. If you don't want random strangers yelling at you then getting mad when you don't follow along with your ritualistic nonsense, why are you wearing school colors?"
The two would encounter each other again while both people were paying for their respective items. Feeling like she may not have heard him the first time, Dodson again yelled out. This time, the woman paid for her bottled water and hair shampoo and simply left the building without acknowledging the man. Dodson planned to confront the woman in the parking lot but the unknown female had already left by the time he had finished paying for his Red Bull, AXE body spray, AXE body wash, AXE deodorant and hair gel.
Dodson insists he's not upset with the female's apathy, but is simply confused by it.
"I mean, it's like, whatever," he said. "She's probably a lesbian anyways." 

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to watch us lose again
Because losses we are reaping
Leave me in a state of weeping
And the old depression that was in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of Pitt football
In my Pitt script I walked alone
Staring blankly at my phone
‘Neath fluorescent sign of the Dirty “0”
I didn’t see Cathy’s lights in their victory glow
When my eyes were stabbed by the game's highlights
Gave me fright
And touched the sound of Pitt football
And at the next game at Heinz I saw
Ten thousand people, and no way more
Fans sitting and not cheering
People hearing "Sweet Caroline" and not singing
People writing cheers that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of Pitt football
Fools, said I, you fans do not know
Losses like a cancer always grow
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my “Toof” hat that I might reach you
But my words, like a quick-kick fell
And echoed in the wells of Pitt football
And the people bowed and prayed
To Pitt script color change they made
And the script gave out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the script said, that Narduzzi’s words are written in Cathy’s bathroom stalls
And David Lawrence Hall
And whispered in the sounds of Pitt football

Sunday, October 5, 2014

2014 College Football Munson Rankings: Week 7

Most of you college football fans have gone from hope for your team's great season to having nothing left but to root against your bitter rival, or revel in someone else's pain.  Some of you root for schools who really have no chance, so you really just root against people you hate the most.  And some of you are just straight up miserable bastards.

For those of you who may fit into one of those categories or have different reasons, I decided to cut through the crap and just rank team's based on their Munsonness.  That is, their ability to screw things up despite having the ability to be successful.  I'll use some liberal definitions for the top 25 rankings but you'll get the idea.  So let's go through our rankings after week 6 of games.

#25:  University of Kansas:  I know you aren't a football school.  We all get that you're really just trying to field a serviceable team so you can maintain membership status in a conference that will allow your basketball team to compete.  But Charlie Weiss?  And you didn't fire him in the off-season and bring him back, only to fire him a month into the season.  You had some momentum after Mangino; but now look at you.  Sad.

#24:  UMass:  At first glance, they don't seem like a school who had it going for them but then screwed up.  But they did.  They were doing just fine in I-AA/whatever the acronym is now.  It's a state that cares more about Ted Williams' head being on ice than football.  In fact, college football comes in just after curling for these guys.  "Hey, let's bump up to D-1, play in a conference full of midwestern dopes and hope it goes well."  Well, it hasn't.  You're 0-6 and probably losing more money than it's worth.

#23:  Washington State:  You're the PAC-12 redneck school.  In fact, the only real one.  You can get any redneck recruit in the entire pacific time zone.  And there are low expectations.  I actually commend you for trying something different with Mike Leach but you're obviously cursed.  Hire an exorcist, not a football coach.

#22:  Boise State:  Blue grass isn't so cool when you aren't winning.  You had a good thing going; then you got cocky and your boy-genius left you.  And you weren't prepared.  For shame!

#21:  Pitt:  3-0, then 3-3 after this week.  Losing to a school who's fans take pride in dressing up for a football game (UVA) is unacceptable.

#20:  Stanford:  You had a good time there for a few years.  Yeah, it was great.  The smart kid getting the hot chics.  Now, you're just an annoying nerd again.  Congrats.

#19:  Maryland:  I don't even know where to start.  Such a disaster.  A veritable cornucopia of imbecilic management.  You can't even get the good kids from the best DC school, which is one mile away, to take official visits.  Losing to UNC at home by 6 isn't quite the same as getting gang-raped by Ohio State at home, now is it?

#18:  Uconn:  Just a few years ago you get to a BCS bowl.  Then, for reasons unknown, you hire Paul Pasqualoni.  I don't even know who the coach is now and I don't care.  You're 1-4 in whatever that D2 conference you're in.  Don't act as if you don't have the money to compete, either.  Cheap bastards.

#17:  Virginia Tech:  We should pull all of our best scientists right now.  The ones studying cancer, lasers, cheap dick pills, etc.  Move them all over to a giant institute to figure you out.  Sadly, they would not find success.  #goiter.

#16:  Oklahoma:  Welcome to the rankings.  We think you'll be rising rapidly.

#15:  Miami, FL:  I really think you've got a great chance to finish in the top 5 this year.  We just need one more scandal and a few more losses.  Do us proud.

#14:  North Carolina:  See Miami.  I put you ahead of them simply because you seem to act as if you're above all of this.  Arrogant bitches.

#13:  UCLA:  "Hey, I had the world by the tail and blew another terrible lead and will finish the season smoking meth outside the Holiday Bowl.  Yayyyy!!!"

#12:  Wisconsin:  If you're Wisconsin and you lose to Northwestern, then you Muson'ed hard-core.

#11:  Colorado:  Many of you will say, "that's way to high for CU."  No it's not.  Not even close.  This school has everything going for it, including legal weed.  You'd think they'd get every recruit they wanted.  You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to at least come close to what they did with McCartney.  But they can't.  Not even close.  Your biggest, and last win of, the year, was against a Hawaii team who literally said, "We don't care if we play football or not."

#10:  Alabama:  Everything was going so great.  It really was.  The multiple national championships. All-Americans.  And then you Kiffin'ed.  And guess what happens when you Kiffen?  You lose to Ole Miss because your offense sucks.  If you were a stock in the Munson stock exchange, you'd be a solid "buy."

#9:  Penn State:  Didn't even play this week but you're in the top 10.  Just like Wisconsin, you get ranked for losing to Northwestern.  But there are just so many other reasons to have you on this list.  The jokes are too easy...for now.

#8:  Florida:  Sitting at 3-1 isn't bad.  It's just the way you've done it.  You're Florida.  University of Florida.  You are getting stomped in your backyard, in every category, by a guy named Jimbo.

#7:  Oregon:  Let's have a real discussion:  Oregon isn't the flashiest state or have the best players.  However, they are essentially Nike University.  They have the resources to get anything they want.  That is, except a national championship.  Oregon is the kid in school whose dad is really rich.  But he still can't get a decent chic to go out with him, doesn't get the best grades, and dresses like a tranny.

#6:  Georgia:  You might be the ultimate Munson.  All the great recruiting classes.  The weight rooms, the campus, etc.  Everything is in your favor, except winning when it counts.

#5:  Florida State:  Yes, you are undefeated.  Yes, you may win the national championship.  And yes, Jameis Winston will be working at car wash in 3 years or less.  This is a team that has everything going for it, with a  terrible schedule and they look as if they can lose to anyone, any given week.

#4:  Louisiana State:  Eating grass and going for it on 4th and 19 is super cool when you win.  When it's not, you're just a dumb cow.  We're all looking forward to the epic matchup against Florida to tell us the school who has the true heart of Munson.

#3:  Southern California:  You fire Kiffen for a just as stupid ex-coordinator.  You lose to Boston College?  Ok - we all make mistakes.  But that effort on the hail Mary defending ASU shows you the heart that team has under Sark.  Good luck for the next 3 years until you can actually fire him.

#2:  Texas:  You might finish the season #1.  You're TX:  the biggest and, by far, the most loved team in the most football-crazed state.  And this is the best you can do?  Don't tell me about Mack Brown and what he screwed up.  You still have more talent than almost anyone on the schedule.  And Charlie Strong wasn't even close to the best coach you could've gotten.

#1:  Michigan:  This situation right now is the definition of Munson.  You are #1 and will probably run the rest of the season.  The best reason is that not only will the head coach go down, but probably the Athletic Director.  Giving away free tickets for buying a soda?  This is simply as fun to watch as many of us have ever witnessed in college football.  Congrats.