Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Open Letter from Pitt to ACC

Blawnox - Dear ACC Members,

We want to thank you for accepting us into your conference. We're going to be honest up front and throughout. But let's just say, you saved us. You saved us from hell. We know it, we thank you, we always wanted to be here, it's the best fit for us, we could not be happier.

It's not to say we don't add value. We hope you think we do. But to be clear, we want to thank you. Pitt is not WVU, or Louisville, or UConn, or some others you may have danced with. We're a little different - we put academia and teaching first. That hurts us on the field at times. We know it. We're not Ohio State, or USC. We really don't want to be them, honestly. Obviously, in a way we REALLY do. But not in our heart of hearts. We'd rather lose in a fun game, and get along with our competitors if the alternative is to lie, cheat and steal in a win anyway possible, NCAA-2011 type of way. We know you understand these thoughts.

However, we're a little bit "in your face type of folks". Not like SEC people or anything. We just want you to know where our heads are coming in to this thing. A little feedback, if you will. So let's go down the list, in no particular order.

1. University of Maryland: Let's start easy. We know you, even though, for some reason, we never play in any sports. You and I are pretty much the same in all ways, except for your weird obsession with Lacrosse. Very good school, very good research, very good basketball. The only thing we don't understand is why the entire state could care less about college football. I mean, no one, anywhere. That's ok. Frankly, we like you. We always have. If this was a guy-girl situation, we'd marry you and be happy forever.

2. University of Virginia: You seem like the son of the rich lawyer up the street who will never BE a rich lawyer. That's ok, since you don't really act as if you're better than others. You just seem to be into your own thing. That's cool. Not really known for football or basketball. Or really anything except for Thomas Jefferson. Just into being a good school who wears goofy outfits to football games. There's nothing wrong with that. Seriously, no one could hate you as you're a good guy. But no one really loves you either. Think about that.

3. Virginia Tech: You're like the ugly girl in middle school who lost some weight and got a nose job, now acts as if she's been the perennial Homecoming queen. You just don't have any sense about you. And we beat your best years...badly. Get it together. We're being friends here. Everyone is starting to hate you, when we all used to like you a lot.

4. Duke: We've never met a Duke alum we didn't like. We never met a Duke fan, non-alum, we did like. Who knows how this happens. Do we blame you? Sort of. Being perfectly open and honest, you are a little uppity and douchey. You aren't over the top though, and we respect that. But just be on-notice that you're pushing it. Big time. Don't get one more step douchey or we have to take action.

5. Boston College: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. You're assholes. Always have been, always will be. Why are you in a conference that pushes basketball, lacrosse, and baseball, when all you give two craps about is the Bean Pot Trophy? Seriously, people in Boston don't even like you. They'd root for Northeastern to beat you in football if you were 11-0 and headed to a sure-win BCS Championship game. Literally, no one likes you. Never. We ALL believe you are pedophiles who eat feces.

6. University of North Carolina: Please, let me thank you for all you've done. We know it was you who reached out and got this all done. We don't bite the hand that feeds. We've always respected you. Heck, UNC is the secondary college basketball team in Pennsylvania. We like your style, even though you live in a town with a foofy name. No matter - we know you mean well. You're willing to fire a very successful football coach because he compromised your integrity; that fits us just right. Keep on doing what you do, UNC. We've always liked you, big time.

7. North Carolina State University: We hate to admit it, but you remind us of us. Only worse. You pretty much screw up anything you can touch, just like us. You screw up Olympic sports, you screw up basketball, you screw up football. Beyond us, you screw up research and academics, when you live in the ####ing RESEARCH TRIANGLE!!!! We'd ask, "WTF?," but then again, we'd have to answer the same question. So we're happy to just wink at you and say hello in the hallway but just keep walking. Let's just pretend we don't know each other so as others won't notice how dysfunctional we are.

8. Wake Forest: We don't know you. No one does. No one cares either. I hate to be cruel, but the world just doesn't give two shits about Wake Forest. It's one of the "extremely expensive for no good reason" private Universities. If you're going to pay that much, go to Harvard or Yale. Oh, that's right, you couldn't get in there. You were just sort of dumb but dad was rich, so you went to some dumbass school in tobacco land and acted as if your shit doesn't stink. Well, it does. And you're dumb. And your school sucks. And your team sucks. I know this sounds really mean and rude. But I have to be honest - you're annoying. Decent people = yes. But who pays $50K+ per year to go to Wake Forest? Come on.

9. Georgia Tech: You're alright with us. Pitt has no beef with the good people of Atlanta. Now Univ of Georgia? yeah, they suck. We know you know that. We know you know how it feels to be the city school with the smarter and more socially adept kids who lose out in popularity to the big state school out in the country full of bumpkins and retards. We get it. We know your pain. You are the southern version of us, except we have uglier chics. Not by far though. Georgia Tech: you are our blood brothers. Call if you need us, and you know we're there.

10. Florida State University: Pitt has some affection for you. Always has. However, if we're being honest, you need to get over yourselves. The fact is, you had an incredible run under Bowden. Incredible! His run of success and consistency may never be matched. But we, and the nation, are sick of hearing how Jimbo is great, and you're right back on track. You're not. And face facts: you may never be again. Trust us - this stuff has a way of fizzling. Don't want to believe it? Go look at our history when it seemed impossible for us to screw up. But you think you're smarter than us, right? Ok. Just tell us when you win the conference again. We know you believe it's yours to lose every year. What we're saying is, it's not going to happen. Hear us now, believe us later. Oh, and your school sucks academically. Get that shit together because UCF and USF are lapping you. It's embarrassing.

11. Clemson University: You're the rednecks of the ACC. It sounds as if that's bad and I'm going down a negative line but let me stop you right there. We're from Pennsylvania - we ALL have family and friends like you. And truth be told, we love those guys. I mean, LOVE those guys. They chew snuff at work, they drive forklifts, they own junkyards. Whatever - it's all good. We'll never admit it to high society but we love watching games with those guys. We make it a point to find them at the family Christmas party because we know who brought the booze. You're all good with us. All cards on the table: you may be the one school in the country we never had a beef with. AND you have really hot chics, who are slutty. You guys are awesome.

12. University of Miami: You guys are straight trash. We know you don't care. You're at some douchey club with guys who wear sunglasses inside, popping their collars, dancing to the spins of DJ Whatever. You're the worst kind of trash. Don't ask me to define it because I don't owe you shit. But be aware - your good football days are over forever. Accept it - it's never coming back. You never had a basketball team. And only poor Hispanics care about baseball so good luck with that. Shalala is a fucking criminal. Kiss my ass, you fucking bitches.

13. Syracuse University: I'm using this opportunity to give you a piece of my mind. Actually, this is positive feedback. We've known each other a long time. You and I both know that we thought we were going to be stuck with WVU in some trailer park forever. Thank god, bro. Thank god we got through this. You've always been a good buddy. Remember that time we got drunk before the middle school dance and Mrs. Kramer asked why we were dancing so wildly? And then we pissed on Todd Cohen's leg? Good times. We're glad you're in this with us. And we're glad you decided to completely give up on football, even worse than we did.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Waco - This off-season, the Big East welcomed it's newest member, TCU.  Conference leaders expanded into Texas, mostly in order to bring a legitimate football team into the fold.  You know, one that could actually finish ranked.

TCU, looking for a home to get an automatic berth to BCS games, was eager to join the Big East; namely because the Big 10/12 and SEC didn't want them.  It seemed a match made in heaven.

It should be noted that TCU will officially begin conference play in 2012.  However, the result was what would be expected:  TCU, after not losing any regular season games in the past two seasons, immediately goes out and gets ass-pounded by a crappy Baylor team.  More disturbing, after finishing the past two seasons with the overall #1 ranked defense in the NCAA, gave up 50 points and 564 yards to Baylor.  That's right, the same Baylor team who hasn't won a bowl game since 1994.  In fact, has been in exactly one bowl game since 1994.

Is this a coincidence?  Or is this the curse of the Big East?  You decide.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Drunken Big East Preview - Top Four.

1. Cincinnati

Look...we know....last year was bad for this squad. Zach Collaros pissed off a lot of fantasy owners. This year may be different. On Offense, the return Collaros, DJ Woods, and Isaiah Pead. Defense, they return a lot in terms of veteran leadership.

Plus it was either this or pick WVU to win the conference.

2. Pitt

Pitt's really not in bad of shape as a lot of people thought. Offense, they're pretty solid at QB, RB, WR. Offensive line may have some question marks, but that's been the same tired story at Pitt.

On defense, the main concern should be the secondary as they are known to fuck things up.

Plus, with Graham banning twitter, he may add some masculinity to some of his players including Cam Saddler who was tweeting so'd think he was a woman. Then again, he played likc a bitch.

3. USF

USF is a always the trendy pick to win the Big East since they joined the conference. This year is no different. They return a good core on defense. On offense, they'll win or lose with BJ Daniels. When he's on, he'd dangerous. When he's off, he looks a QB from any team on Madden that's being controlled from a first time user.

4. WVU

When your state produces more incidents of incest and bestiality than it does Division 1 prospects, then you got issues. Other than Geno Smith, there's not much to write about on offense. Defense? Fuck 'em. Maybe Oliver Luck will get them in the Arena League.

Drunken Big East Preview - Bottom Four

5. Syracuse

Syracuse comes off a win over Kansas State in the Pinstripe Bowl. On offense, they return their Starting QB Ryan Nassib and most of their offensive line. Other than that, there's not much to talk about. They have a midget for a running back and their star WR is in some legal trouble.

On defense, they have to replace two starters on their D-line and two starters at linebacker. Their secondary should be fine. They'll go to a bowl game and brag about it.

6. Louisville

They'll be on probation in a year....NEXT.

7. UConn

UConn returns most of its starters from it's Offensive Line and Defensive line. Other than that, not much else.

8. Rutgers

Rutgers returns most of its sorry team from last season. On Offense, they'll rely on Chas Dodd whose is about as accurate as Michael J. Fox throwing darts. The offensive line won't help much either...they suck. On defense, they return most of its starters that got their asses handed to them.

Friday, June 24, 2011

PITT-PSU and Expansion


Pitt and PSU decided renew the "rivalry" for at least two games. Some Pitt fans are applauding this. Some are not. Reasons include the series not being long term and whatever hard-on they have for Steve Pederson. Two things stood out to me with this announcement

1. JoePA isn't as "mighty" as everyone has made him out to be.
2. Tim Curley is taking "full control" of PSU's Athletic Department. By "full", he's taking over football too.

Curley has made some nice hires around the board as of late. He also had the balls to boot Rene Portland. I also imagine he told Ed Dechellis to move on with life's work if he couldn't get the basketball team in the Big Dance again.

There's a reason to be optimistic about this two game could lead to more. Unless PSU fans are still pussy enough to complain whatever verbal abuse they received from Pitt fans.


This is obviously one of the hot topics of the Big East as of late. Long story short: Villanova is interested, made a presentation, and they were sent packing...which made Pitt/Rutgers look like the bad guys in this. They weren't the bad guys. Villanova for the most part didn't have their shit together. Because if you let 'Nova in with a half-assed plan, then you might as well let Georgetown join as well because they can play their games at RFK.

Ever since then, there's been a mass hysteria of a "split". It's not going to happen. That television deal that's in the works? It's all about basketball. Basketball is the Cash Cow of the Big East. Football can't stand on its own two feet let alone in a BCS bowl game these days. Sure you can trim the "fat" off the basketball-only schools, but that's another battle. Lot of politics and a lot of relationships there.

Big East Preview Part 1: Offseason Assclownery

The Big East was a total comedy once season play ended and it carried on when bowl season was over. Let's do a quick recap of what happened:

1. Pitt forces out Dave Wannstedt.
2. WVU hires Dana Holgerson to replace Bill Stewart after next season.
3. Pitt hires Mike Haywood.
4. Pitt fires Mike Haywood after he pulls an Ike Turner on his babymama.
5. After watching his team get pounded by Oklahoma, Randy Edsall takes a separate plane to College Park to take the Maryland job.
6. UConn drags Paul Pasqualoni out of a bar and names him head coach.
7. Pitt hires Todd Graham to replace Haywood.
8. Dana Holgerson gets booted out of a casino and WVU punishes him by firing Bill Stewart.

There you have it. Somewhere in this, Rutgers, Syracuse, USF, Cincy, and Louisville stayed out of the drama.

Later in the month, we'll be previewing the Big East. Until then, here's a really half-assed analysis of the conference.

The Favorite: WVU. People just love their new head coach. I don't know why, but they do. Maybe it's all those offenses he ran in the Midwest that are a dime a dozen.

The Fucked: UConn. They were due to be a bottom feeder one day.

Can Go Fuck Themselves: Rutgers. They're Rutgers.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Panther Rants 2011 Blue-Gold Game Diary

Another exciting year of Spring Drills were upon us. Out goes the Power Football......In comes High Octane. While I don't have the liberty of 'tweeting' or 'live blogging', I kept a running diary with my thoughts and analysis. Here goes.......

1:00pm - Getting ready for the spring game. Yes it's 1pm. It's 1pm Central time. That's what's great about living here. Everything starts an hour early.

1:05pm - Outside enjoying the nice weather with my son. We're bike riding. It's 85 degrees really think I would be inside watching a glorified practice?

1:30pm- Nicki Minaj is playing in Houston tonight and I can tell. Almost every girl I see....even a grown ass woman....has their hair like Nicki Minaj in some way. Houston's local hip hop station had a Nicki Minaj lookalike contest. The majority of the contestants I swear I've seen at Walmart.

1:40pm - A woman with a hot pink wig on....eating pork skins...and drinking a red soda walks by. We exchange hellos and tells me how cute my son is. She's heading to see Nicki tonight. If this was the Burgh, she'd probably ask me what the fuck am I looking at.

2:10pm - We decided to go in and cool off. I get to watch the same episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 1000th time.

2:30pm - I got the characters figured out:

Mickey Mouse - He represents domestic abuse. He beats the shit out of Minnie and they both act as if everything is okay so no one questions it. Eventually one of them is going to be found on a hillside.

Minnie Mouse - Represents 'Pharming' and 'Free Basing'. To deal with Mickey, she needs an outlet. Which is why she probably has a big cabinet full of prescription drugs.

Donald Duck - Represents Alcoholism. He's dressed as a sailor for fuck's sake. He's the old married dude who hangs at the bar and tries to cock-block every guy from getting the hot chick that even he can't bang.

Daisy Duck - Represents Infidelity. While Donald's out getting juiced, she's out getting banged. She's probably a swinger too.

Goofy - Represents Rehab and Relapse. Don't invite him over to hang out, some of your belongings may come up missing.

Pluto - Represnts Dog-fighting. Don't fuck with him. Don't let your kid pet him. He's not friendly.

3:00pm - Son's asleep and I'm checking the boards. They're saying over 1,000 in attendance. Guess that will be blamed on Steve. Tino's having a good day passing so every Pitt poster with WPIAL ties are jerking themselves off.

3:10pm - Everyone is happy with the offense performing well on a rainy day, but the defense is getting ripped.

3:30pm - If Pitt gave me press credentials, I'd either show up drunk or sell them to a homeless guy for his bottle of Gin.

JJ Richardson 2010-2011 John DeGroat Award Winner

Panther Rants is happy to announce the 2010-2011 John Degroat Award. This year, the award goes to seldomly-used JJ Richardson. JJ is transferring out of Pitt. Not to pick on him, but we wish him well. He didn't do bad when he was called to go in. Maybe if Dante Taylor doesn't have the McDonalds AA tag slapped on him, JJ stays and Dante's the one being sent to Towson with his paperwork.

You know Dante has shown some flashes he's Mickie D's AA that Pitt recruited. Other times, he looks like he's eaten at Mickie D's. If he doesn't get his act together, he'll receive the 'Gilbert Brown' Award. The award will go the player who takes 4 years to get his shit together.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Who will winThe John Degroat Award?

The John Degroat Award was originally awarded to the seldom-used JUCO player on the basketball team. Every other year, Jamie would recruit a JUCO player....and well..he would never play them. Here's a look at our previous winners:

2006-2007 - Doyle Hudson

Doyle was recruited by Jamie because he saw him play against Levon Kendall in some league in the offseason and Jamie liked how Doyle played against him. You know Levon was that guy who scored 50 points in some Canadian national game. Doyle didn't see much playing time in his two years.

2007-2008 - Cassin Diggs

Cassin was cut when the season ended to make room for Jermaine Dixon. That's really about it.

2008-2009 - Austin Wallace

Here's where the Degroat Award changes. We didn't have any Juco's that flamed out that we had to give it to someone.

2009-2010 - Dwight Miller

Dwight just never panned out. People liked him when he would play at Greentree, but Greentree is nothing but a glorified AND-1 tournament.

Candidates for 2010-2011 are: JJ Richardson, Isaiah Epps, Lamar Patterson, Dante Taylor, Cameron Wright, and Talib Zanna.

So who will win?

The Mike Gansey Award

Every year at Pantherrants, we have the prestigious "Mike Gansey Award". Okay, we don't give it out every year. For some reason every time Pitt has gone against a team with white players, the white players have the games of their lives. Maybe it's because Pitt players took them too lightly. It's like watching a boxing match and being the only person to bet on the white guy...and win. Let's look at the previous winners:

2007-2008 - Drew Neitzel: I think Ronald Ramon is still chasing him around the court.

2008-2009 - Alex Ruoff: Killed Pitt in the Big East Tournament

2009-2010 - The white players on the Notre Dame team.

And the 2010-2011

It's a tie between The white players on the Notre Dame team and Matt Howard. I honestly thought it would be Jimmy Fredette as I had nightmares of Gary McGhee guarding him.

Notre Dame wins for obvious reasons. They exposed our weaknesses which is taking advantage of our center who tends to have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk driver at times and our passive aggressive defense on the perimeter. In football terms, it's like having Brian Bennett cover Larry Fitzgerald.

Matt Howard wins for obvious reasons. I don't hate Matt Howard. I don't fault him for flopping. If he can't get away with it by drawing fouls, more power to him. It was fun to witness the refs put their whistles away in Houston.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pitt Administrators Get Intoxicated, Hire Rube from OK

Pittsburgh -

University of Pittsburgh Administrators have had a tough 2 months. In early December 2010, they decided to fire beloved Head Football Coach, Dave Wannstedt. A tumultuous press conference led to fan outrage. Nonetheless, the bold Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, faced the crowd and declared that Pitt was going in a new direction.

Fast forward two weeks later when Pederson, unilaterally, hired a guy who forgot that the term "wife beater" was not literal. Mike Haywood was summarily fired on January 1, 2011, leaving Pederson and the rest of Pitt's administration on the job hunt again.

This incident led to the formation of a "Search Committee" for the next Head Football Coach. Administrators Pederson, Sanft, Cochran, and Chancellor Nordenberg were all in-charge of finding the man to lead Pitt football in 2011 and beyond.
All was well until the committee hit a snag. That is, there are 4 members and no one to cast a deciding vote.

Sanft commented, "Listen, we were really stressed out. All of us were putting in 4 hour days and were totall spent. Do you know how many people in Academia work 4 hours in January??!?! No one! No one even comes close to half that."

Cochran agreed. "The room was filled with stress and smoke. The smoke was really just from a leaky gasket in the Cathedral sewage but let me tell you, we were stressed from that smell. And then to pick a coach...again? It was too much. We needed help."

Help arrived after a savvy "brownie" arrived as a gift from former Pitt great, Mark Stepnoski. Afterwards, Nordenberg tells us things went smoother. "I don't know, man. I just don't know. Graham? Graham cracker! Hahahahaha. That fucking guy is fucking hilarious, man. And he sings really great."

Sanft, following her New Year's resolution diet, was the only to not partake in the brownie. "I don't know Mark put in those things but the guys couldn't get enough. They insisted we interview Todd Graham. Not because we wanted him but the guys wanted to ask the guy, "what it's like to live in a town called A SLUT backwards."

Pederson commented. "Tulsa?!?! That's hilarious dude. Tulsa is like, like, it's like a totally awesome place with horses and unicorns. And stuff like that."

Sanft continued to add sanity to the interview. "That Graham guy came in here. He was totally talking about praying to God and being spiritual. The guys really liked that. They made him listen to "Dark Side of the Moon" the whole way through. Then he said he never even had heard of Pittsburgh or Pennsylvania. The guys thought that was the funniest thing in the world and hired him on the spot. And the $2M they promised? No, we don't have that; not even close. Todd will just have to deal with the same salary we gave Coach Wannstedt; we intend to tell him about it after he's here for awhile."

Coach Graham commented on his hiring by saying, "yee-haw. I can't wait to get to somewhere in East Oklahoma. Heck, that may even be in Arkansas or something. Whatever. Those suckers are paying me $2 million! I could buy all of Tulsa for that. Yee-haww!!!"

We couldn't have made this shit up

You might find it curious that we at PantherRants have been silent on the coaching fiasco at Pitt. But seriously, we couldn't make this shit up. How could we possibly improve upon this train-wreck of a coaching situation?

Our staff talked before the end of the season and suggested some very absurd ways we felt the season would end; whacky, off-the-wall shit. Some of us figured Pitt would win its last game while UConn and WVU would crap the bed, thus backing the Panthers into the BCS at 7-5 to be hammered on national TV by a much better opponent. This is Pitt football, after all, and what could possibly have caused us greater embarrassment than that scenario?

The truth turns out that it has.

I'd say Pitt is a laughingstock nationally. But that would be assuming anyone outside of Pennsylvania gives a shit about our program or didn't already consider it a joke. That would be assuming that people outside the 35,000 Pitt fans and maybe a few dolts in Miami, Ohio, know that our former head coach of 16 days allegedly is a woman beater.

Again, how can you make this shit up?

Now, we have an administration twiddling it's thumbs while Steve "Nero" Pederson fiddles at Gate A, Heinz Field. A news flash to the committee hanging out in the bowels of the Cathedral trying to figure new ways to fuck up this program - national letter of intent day is basically 3 weeks away. We have no recruits. How about hiring someone? Just a thought. We probably have one or two good candidates right now. We could probably forgo scouring the Division III ranks for that next "smart" hire.

We get it. You're smarter than we are. But let's prove that when it's not going to destroy our program for the next decade or so.