We want to thank you for accepting us into your conference. We're going to be honest up front and throughout. But let's just say, you saved us. You saved us from hell. We know it, we thank you, we always wanted to be here, it's the best fit for us, we could not be happier.
It's not to say we don't add value. We hope you think we do. But to be clear, we want to thank you. Pitt is not WVU, or Louisville, or UConn, or some others you may have danced with. We're a little different - we put academia and teaching first. That hurts us on the field at times. We know it. We're not Ohio State, or USC. We really don't want to be them, honestly. Obviously, in a way we REALLY do. But not in our heart of hearts. We'd rather lose in a fun game, and get along with our competitors if the alternative is to lie, cheat and steal in a win anyway possible, NCAA-2011 type of way. We know you understand these thoughts.
However, we're a little bit "in your face type of folks". Not like SEC people or anything. We just want you to know where our heads are coming in to this thing. A little feedback, if you will. So let's go down the list, in no particular order.
1. University of Maryland: Let's start easy. We know you, even though, for some reason, we never play in any sports. You and I are pretty much the same in all ways, except for your weird obsession with Lacrosse. Very good school, very good research, very good basketball. The only thing we don't understand is why the entire state could care less about college football. I mean, no one, anywhere. That's ok. Frankly, we like you. We always have. If this was a guy-girl situation, we'd marry you and be happy forever.
2. University of Virginia: You seem like the son of the rich lawyer up the street who will never BE a rich lawyer. That's ok, since you don't really act as if you're better than others. You just seem to be into your own thing. That's cool. Not really known for football or basketball. Or really anything except for Thomas Jefferson. Just into being a good school who wears goofy outfits to football games. There's nothing wrong with that. Seriously, no one could hate you as you're a good guy. But no one really loves you either. Think about that.
3. Virginia Tech: You're like the ugly girl in middle school who lost some weight and got a nose job, now acts as if she's been the perennial Homecoming queen. You just don't have any sense about you. And we beat you...in your best years...badly. Get it together. We're being friends here. Everyone is starting to hate you, when we all used to like you a lot.
4. Duke: We've never met a Duke alum we didn't like. We never met a Duke fan, non-alum, we did like. Who knows how this happens. Do we blame you? Sort of. Being perfectly open and honest, you are a little uppity and douchey. You aren't over the top though, and we respect that. But just be on-notice that you're pushing it. Big time. Don't get one more step douchey or we have to take action.
5. Boston College: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. You're assholes. Always have been, always will be. Why are you in a conference that pushes basketball, lacrosse, and baseball, when all you give two craps about is the Bean Pot Trophy? Seriously, people in Boston don't even like you. They'd root for Northeastern to beat you in football if you were 11-0 and headed to a sure-win BCS Championship game. Literally, no one likes you. Never. We ALL believe you are pedophiles who eat feces.
6. University of North Carolina: Please, let me thank you for all you've done. We know it was you who reached out and got this all done. We don't bite the hand that feeds. We've always respected you. Heck, UNC is the secondary college basketball team in Pennsylvania. We like your style, even though you live in a town with a foofy name. No matter - we know you mean well. You're willing to fire a very successful football coach because he compromised your integrity; that fits us just right. Keep on doing what you do, UNC. We've always liked you, big time.
7. North Carolina State University: We hate to admit it, but you remind us of us. Only worse. You pretty much screw up anything you can touch, just like us. You screw up Olympic sports, you screw up basketball, you screw up football. Beyond us, you screw up research and academics, when you live in the ####ing RESEARCH TRIANGLE!!!! We'd ask, "WTF?," but then again, we'd have to answer the same question. So we're happy to just wink at you and say hello in the hallway but just keep walking. Let's just pretend we don't know each other so as others won't notice how dysfunctional we are.
8. Wake Forest: We don't know you. No one does. No one cares either. I hate to be cruel, but the world just doesn't give two shits about Wake Forest. It's one of the "extremely expensive for no good reason" private Universities. If you're going to pay that much, go to Harvard or Yale. Oh, that's right, you couldn't get in there. You were just sort of dumb but dad was rich, so you went to some dumbass school in tobacco land and acted as if your shit doesn't stink. Well, it does. And you're dumb. And your school sucks. And your team sucks. I know this sounds really mean and rude. But I have to be honest - you're annoying. Decent people = yes. But who pays $50K+ per year to go to Wake Forest? Come on.
9. Georgia Tech: You're alright with us. Pitt has no beef with the good people of Atlanta. Now Univ of Georgia? yeah, they suck. We know you know that. We know you know how it feels to be the city school with the smarter and more socially adept kids who lose out in popularity to the big state school out in the country full of bumpkins and retards. We get it. We know your pain. You are the southern version of us, except we have uglier chics. Not by far though. Georgia Tech: you are our blood brothers. Call if you need us, and you know we're there.
10. Florida State University: Pitt has some affection for you. Always has. However, if we're being honest, you need to get over yourselves. The fact is, you had an incredible run under Bowden. Incredible! His run of success and consistency may never be matched. But we, and the nation, are sick of hearing how Jimbo is great, and you're right back on track. You're not. And face facts: you may never be again. Trust us - this stuff has a way of fizzling. Don't want to believe it? Go look at our history when it seemed impossible for us to screw up. But you think you're smarter than us, right? Ok. Just tell us when you win the conference again. We know you believe it's yours to lose every year. What we're saying is, it's not going to happen. Hear us now, believe us later. Oh, and your school sucks academically. Get that shit together because UCF and USF are lapping you. It's embarrassing.
11. Clemson University: You're the rednecks of the ACC. It sounds as if that's bad and I'm going down a negative line but let me stop you right there. We're from Pennsylvania - we ALL have family and friends like you. And truth be told, we love those guys. I mean, LOVE those guys. They chew snuff at work, they drive forklifts, they own junkyards. Whatever - it's all good. We'll never admit it to high society but we love watching games with those guys. We make it a point to find them at the family Christmas party because we know who brought the booze. You're all good with us. All cards on the table: you may be the one school in the country we never had a beef with. AND you have really hot chics, who are slutty. You guys are awesome.
12. University of Miami: You guys are straight trash. We know you don't care. You're at some douchey club with guys who wear sunglasses inside, popping their collars, dancing to the spins of DJ Whatever. You're the worst kind of trash. Don't ask me to define it because I don't owe you shit. But be aware - your good football days are over forever. Accept it - it's never coming back. You never had a basketball team. And only poor Hispanics care about baseball so good luck with that. Shalala is a fucking criminal. Kiss my ass, you fucking bitches.
13. Syracuse University: I'm using this opportunity to give you a piece of my mind. Actually, this is positive feedback. We've known each other a long time. You and I both know that we thought we were going to be stuck with WVU in some trailer park forever. Thank god, bro. Thank god we got through this. You've always been a good buddy. Remember that time we got drunk before the middle school dance and Mrs. Kramer asked why we were dancing so wildly? And then we pissed on Todd Cohen's leg? Good times. We're glad you're in this with us. And we're glad you decided to completely give up on football, even worse than we did.