Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Panther Rants Exclusive

(Milwaukee) Panther Rants has learned that Marquette University has inked an endorsement deal with C-list actor Vincent Pastore. The deal, which was to be announced at half-time of last night's basketball game, would include introduction of Pastore as the new mascot of Marquette athletic teams. Pastore, who has been out of work since he was killed off of 'The Sopranos' would stroll the baseline and lead cheers, replacing the Golden Eagle that currently represents the university. "We felt this was a natural union", said Marquette Athletic Director Bill Cords. "In the sports world, our basketball team is widely recognized as perhaps the biggest bunch of pussies outside of those pantywaists that play in Durham". Mr. Cords also hinted that head basketball coach Tom Crean was close to signing an endorsement deal with SmithKline Beecham to promote a new fast-acting feminine wash.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Haiku Wednesday

I pick the aussie
Imbruglia, she enjoys
a nice donkey punch

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Message to Terrelle Pryor

Penn State fans have really outdone themselves this time. Some long haired, hippie-type pinko fag is seen pleading with Terrelle Pryor to commit to Penn State. We really don't know what possesses people to make videos like these. Does this guy really expect to see Pryor on TV in a few days, committing to th Nits, and saying in a press conference, "yo man, what really swayed me was that video that the burnout did. I mean, the ponytail, all the shit propped against the fence. It was inspiring."

Anyways, this video has all of the necessary elements. It has the dude with dated haircut and a damn near dead personality. It has the JoePa cardboard cut out, which appears to be propped on a fence in this guy's parent's back yard. It's dorky, geeky and just plain lame. In short, everything that we expect from those people.

A Panther Rants Alert

Loyal denizens of Panther Rants, ready your Broca's areas and whip out a book on obscure poetry, because we here at Panther Rants bring to you the latest in entertainment....

It is time for Haiku Wednesday, Bitches.

This Wednesday we'll deliver some of our all-time favorites, but every Wednesday after, it is up to you, the loyal reader, to fill the inbox at with odes to the quick kick, the pogo ball, and the myriad Jones who, at last check, were "still running".

To whet your whistle, enjoy this gem:

Oh Walter Harris
Where hast thou taken thy lisp?
Booster's wives, "not pleased"

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

From the "We wish we thought of this department"

Signing Day has come and gone, with no big news from the South Side. Everyone signed on time, message board posters fantasized about Hot Beefy Man Studs and Terrell Pryor delayed his decision, adding ITT Tech and Devry to his list in the mean time.

Outside of the Pryor saga the most exciting news to come out this week was the story of Kevin Hart, a lineman from Nevada. You all know the story by now (LINK!) where the kid "committed" to Cal with no real offer. At that point the story could have gone either way; did someone prank the kid and embarrass him in front of the whole country (by whole country we mean people who read recruiting websites), or was he just a complete Assclown?

The story is out now: Complete Assclown. Good work, Kevin. You managed to steal a few headlines from Pryor and provide entertainment to other Assclowns for a few days.

The Pitt Athletic department has not yet released a statement regarding Chase Clowser, Kevin Hughes, Dave Weber and Gerald Robinson, who are believed to have just shown up on campus one day saying they were "recruited" by a lisping guy and someone named Tom Freeman.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

semi frequent merchandising rant

We speculated last month that Steve "Pink Slip from Lincoln" Pederson might strangle the Adidas throwback Script Pitt line of apparel at and also carried at the team store on campus. It looks like our prediction could very well be correct, as many of the items on the site have been removed. What was a line of about 40 items midway through the football season has now been reduced to about half that.

If that's the case we are left to believe that its simply back to business as usual with Pederson and his well documented out-of-control ego. He's been on the job two months and the FIRST PRIORITY is killing off a line of clothing that re-connects some fans with a part of the school's history. Not a new season ticket plan for football. Not a new advertising campaign for football. Not anything to make the athletic department more fan friendly and palatable. Nope, Steve reverts back to his good old fashioned obsession: uniforms, logos and colors.

We wouldn't mind this so much if his fashion sense didn't suck so royally. We replaced a clean look in script Pitt with something that looks like the top of a mountain with eyes. And we replaced a distinct color scheme with the colors of Notre Dame, Navy, Georgia Tech and a host of other teams. We replaced readable names and numbers with the "torchcut," a colassal failure from a style and legibility standpoint.

Four years later, Steve again became bored and had the "Super Tooth" invented. Problem is, it looked more like a dinosaur bone from the Carnegie Museum than a tooth, and we're pretty damn sure that the shield was a copyright infringement on the Superman logo. This logo coincided with the decision to go with jeans maker Aeropostale to manufacture sideline apparel while everyone else in the country was snatching up Nike and Adidas and, you know, companies that actually make athletic apparel. Of course, someone in the athletic department would probably tell you that the school wasn't very marketable at that time and they had to go with whomever would have them. We respond by saying that the administration had been in place for four years by then and it was their friggin' job to make the team marketable.

Meanwhile, things that could have been done to improve uniforms never were. The gold jerseys might suck for football but we feel that a gold uniform for basketball would be ideal, especially considering the basketball team always had a gold uniform in its rotation.

We believe (haha! we believe! get it?) that the athletic department needs to create a "director of apparel, uniforms and general fashion" position and name anyone but Pederson to the job. The director would be responsible for collecting data from fans, students and alumni and then determining what look would best serve the school. Not which look that Pederson likes would best serve the school. Maybe then we can finally get a look that doesnt make the school look like a charter member of the WAC, MAC or C-USA.

Of course, that would mean Pederson relinquishing powers. I'm think you'd have a better chance of buying a script Pitt shirt in August than that happening. Then again, it could be worse. After all, we haven't heard any announcements welcoming Hollister or Gabriel Bros. as the new official apparel maker.