Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Mike Leach After Baylor Game (Explicit Language)

We're big fans of former Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach and really hope that athletic director Steve Pederson and Chancellor Mark Nordenberg come to their senses, stop screwing around and hire the guy.

Why? Well, for starters the guy can flat out coach. I mean, the guy made Texas Tech relevant in a division that had Texas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State. Secondly, Leach would have a ball calling out the numerous "fat little girlfriends" just in Carrick alone, let alone the entire city of Pittsburgh. Lastly, outbursts like this, which happened LAST. FUCKING. YEAR. Not THIS year. Last fucking year.

Ohh yeah, poo poo fuckin' Baylor. Fuck you, and fuck me and fuck everyone." We couldn't agree more, Mike, and hopefully you'll be yelling at our fat, WPIAL softies like this soon.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Tale of Wannstedt

Island of Misfit Coaches - On a remote and frigid island lives a kingdom of former football coaches. These are no ordinary folks though; all have been deemed, "misfits," by their University's Athletic Department. The kingdom is a haven for those who don't "fit in" to normal football society.

Today, Coach Wannstedt, drifting on an iceberg, landed on the island and immediately was welcomed. He came across a young African-American man who said, "who are you?" Coach Dave said, "I'm Dave Wannstedt. Who are you?"

"Ron Dickerson is my name. I came here years ago after Temple didn't think I could win games."

"My name is John Mackovic - I was sent here for losing at places where you have to be a total retard not to at least get to bowl games."

"Hi there - they call me Tyrone Willingham. I'm the first guy ever who couldn't recruit good players to Notre Dame."

"Wow!," exclaimed Wannstedt. "I never knew there was a place with so people who wouldn't judge me on my inability to formulate a competent gameplan. But I'm just trying to get back to Pittsburgh to save my school from the evil Steve Pederson."

"You're among friends here," stated Bill Callahan. "We're all misfits here. No one wants a coach who can't beat Iowa State, or UC Davis, or Richmond. But first, we must take you to the King."

Coach Wannstedt eventually met up with the King of the Island of Misfit Coaches. King George Perles deemed Dave a truly crap coach that no school would want and allowed him to stay as long as he'd like. And all lived Wlatppily ever after.

Friday, December 10, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Coaching Search Update

BLAWNOX (PR) -- Sources close to the coaching search at the University of Pittsburgh are stating that former Houston Oilers, Atlanta Falcons and Portland State University football coach Jerry Glanville has contacted the school about the current head coaching opening in an unusual way.
"I'm campin' on the sumbitch's front yard," Glanville said in a telephone interview late Friday night.
The former coach, known for leaving tickets for dead celebrities at games, has set up an impromptu campsite on the front yard of Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. Glanville was cited by Pittsburgh police late Thursday for having an open campfire within city boundaries and was then cited for not having current registration on his truck-boat-truck.
"Imma be here until these sumbitches at least bring me in for an interview. Ya'll gonna' say 'no' to me you gonna' at least do it to my face this time," he said.
Glanville openly campaigned for the job when it was open in 2004. Despite repeatedly remarking to the national media about his interest in the position, university officials decided that did not want to hire a former burn-out NFL head coach with a mediocre record in the regular season and playoffs and hired Dave Wannstedt instead. Glanville was never contacted by the school.
"Who the hell is this cowboy? I woke up Wednesday morning and I have an igloo tent set up in my yard and the guy's walking around in flannel pajamas and a cowboy hat. And he's totally wrecked the landscaping by taking the stones to make a fire ring. If he trashes my yard anymore it'll eat up my entire $27,000 raise," Nordenberg said.

  • Former University of South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt attempted to send a resume to the school but instead jammed the paper in his mouth and began howling at the moon.
  • UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisal said in a press release Friday that he's laying 3:1 odds that offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti Jr. will get the job.
  • No one close to the coaching search committee currently knows whether or not former University of Miami Head Coach Larry Coker is interested in the position because no one really gives a shit.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Dave Wannstedt - Ticket for the Wind

Well it's a sad day all around for Pitt Athletics. It's good day for some people...depending on who you are. For us at the blog, we don't like to see anyone lose their job. Wanny may have given us a lot of joke material...the guy wasn't perfect...but he bled blue and gold. For now, here's a video tribute to Coach Wannstedt.