Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pitt Administrators Get Intoxicated, Hire Rube from OK

Pittsburgh -

University of Pittsburgh Administrators have had a tough 2 months. In early December 2010, they decided to fire beloved Head Football Coach, Dave Wannstedt. A tumultuous press conference led to fan outrage. Nonetheless, the bold Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, faced the crowd and declared that Pitt was going in a new direction.

Fast forward two weeks later when Pederson, unilaterally, hired a guy who forgot that the term "wife beater" was not literal. Mike Haywood was summarily fired on January 1, 2011, leaving Pederson and the rest of Pitt's administration on the job hunt again.

This incident led to the formation of a "Search Committee" for the next Head Football Coach. Administrators Pederson, Sanft, Cochran, and Chancellor Nordenberg were all in-charge of finding the man to lead Pitt football in 2011 and beyond.
All was well until the committee hit a snag. That is, there are 4 members and no one to cast a deciding vote.

Sanft commented, "Listen, we were really stressed out. All of us were putting in 4 hour days and were totall spent. Do you know how many people in Academia work 4 hours in January??!?! No one! No one even comes close to half that."

Cochran agreed. "The room was filled with stress and smoke. The smoke was really just from a leaky gasket in the Cathedral sewage but let me tell you, we were stressed from that smell. And then to pick a coach...again? It was too much. We needed help."

Help arrived after a savvy "brownie" arrived as a gift from former Pitt great, Mark Stepnoski. Afterwards, Nordenberg tells us things went smoother. "I don't know, man. I just don't know. Graham? Graham cracker! Hahahahaha. That fucking guy is fucking hilarious, man. And he sings really great."

Sanft, following her New Year's resolution diet, was the only to not partake in the brownie. "I don't know Mark put in those things but the guys couldn't get enough. They insisted we interview Todd Graham. Not because we wanted him but the guys wanted to ask the guy, "what it's like to live in a town called A SLUT backwards."

Pederson commented. "Tulsa?!?! That's hilarious dude. Tulsa is like, like, it's like a totally awesome place with horses and unicorns. And stuff like that."

Sanft continued to add sanity to the interview. "That Graham guy came in here. He was totally talking about praying to God and being spiritual. The guys really liked that. They made him listen to "Dark Side of the Moon" the whole way through. Then he said he never even had heard of Pittsburgh or Pennsylvania. The guys thought that was the funniest thing in the world and hired him on the spot. And the $2M they promised? No, we don't have that; not even close. Todd will just have to deal with the same salary we gave Coach Wannstedt; we intend to tell him about it after he's here for awhile."

Coach Graham commented on his hiring by saying, "yee-haw. I can't wait to get to somewhere in East Oklahoma. Heck, that may even be in Arkansas or something. Whatever. Those suckers are paying me $2 million! I could buy all of Tulsa for that. Yee-haww!!!"

We couldn't have made this shit up

You might find it curious that we at PantherRants have been silent on the coaching fiasco at Pitt. But seriously, we couldn't make this shit up. How could we possibly improve upon this train-wreck of a coaching situation?

Our staff talked before the end of the season and suggested some very absurd ways we felt the season would end; whacky, off-the-wall shit. Some of us figured Pitt would win its last game while UConn and WVU would crap the bed, thus backing the Panthers into the BCS at 7-5 to be hammered on national TV by a much better opponent. This is Pitt football, after all, and what could possibly have caused us greater embarrassment than that scenario?

The truth turns out that it has.

I'd say Pitt is a laughingstock nationally. But that would be assuming anyone outside of Pennsylvania gives a shit about our program or didn't already consider it a joke. That would be assuming that people outside the 35,000 Pitt fans and maybe a few dolts in Miami, Ohio, know that our former head coach of 16 days allegedly is a woman beater.

Again, how can you make this shit up?

Now, we have an administration twiddling it's thumbs while Steve "Nero" Pederson fiddles at Gate A, Heinz Field. A news flash to the committee hanging out in the bowels of the Cathedral trying to figure new ways to fuck up this program - national letter of intent day is basically 3 weeks away. We have no recruits. How about hiring someone? Just a thought. We probably have one or two good candidates right now. We could probably forgo scouring the Division III ranks for that next "smart" hire.

We get it. You're smarter than we are. But let's prove that when it's not going to destroy our program for the next decade or so.