Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Panther Rants 2011 Blue-Gold Game Diary

Another exciting year of Spring Drills were upon us. Out goes the Power Football......In comes High Octane. While I don't have the liberty of 'tweeting' or 'live blogging', I kept a running diary with my thoughts and analysis. Here goes.......

1:00pm - Getting ready for the spring game. Yes it's 1pm. It's 1pm Central time. That's what's great about living here. Everything starts an hour early.

1:05pm - Outside enjoying the nice weather with my son. We're bike riding. It's 85 degrees really think I would be inside watching a glorified practice?

1:30pm- Nicki Minaj is playing in Houston tonight and I can tell. Almost every girl I see....even a grown ass woman....has their hair like Nicki Minaj in some way. Houston's local hip hop station had a Nicki Minaj lookalike contest. The majority of the contestants I swear I've seen at Walmart.

1:40pm - A woman with a hot pink wig on....eating pork skins...and drinking a red soda walks by. We exchange hellos and tells me how cute my son is. She's heading to see Nicki tonight. If this was the Burgh, she'd probably ask me what the fuck am I looking at.

2:10pm - We decided to go in and cool off. I get to watch the same episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 1000th time.

2:30pm - I got the characters figured out:

Mickey Mouse - He represents domestic abuse. He beats the shit out of Minnie and they both act as if everything is okay so no one questions it. Eventually one of them is going to be found on a hillside.

Minnie Mouse - Represents 'Pharming' and 'Free Basing'. To deal with Mickey, she needs an outlet. Which is why she probably has a big cabinet full of prescription drugs.

Donald Duck - Represents Alcoholism. He's dressed as a sailor for fuck's sake. He's the old married dude who hangs at the bar and tries to cock-block every guy from getting the hot chick that even he can't bang.

Daisy Duck - Represents Infidelity. While Donald's out getting juiced, she's out getting banged. She's probably a swinger too.

Goofy - Represents Rehab and Relapse. Don't invite him over to hang out, some of your belongings may come up missing.

Pluto - Represnts Dog-fighting. Don't fuck with him. Don't let your kid pet him. He's not friendly.

3:00pm - Son's asleep and I'm checking the boards. They're saying over 1,000 in attendance. Guess that will be blamed on Steve. Tino's having a good day passing so every Pitt poster with WPIAL ties are jerking themselves off.

3:10pm - Everyone is happy with the offense performing well on a rainy day, but the defense is getting ripped.

3:30pm - If Pitt gave me press credentials, I'd either show up drunk or sell them to a homeless guy for his bottle of Gin.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Move to the cultural mecca of the universe!

Dallas Texas!