WASHINGTON, Pa. (PR) – Ending months of speculation, Trinity High standout linebacker Mike Yancich announced his decision to end his recruitment and verbally committed to attend college.
The beefy man-stud revealed his intentions at a press conference last night, attended by family members, school administrators and several pedophilic recruiting analysts. Notably missing, however, was former PantherLair.com guru Wyndell Williams, who is in the middle of six-year prison term for possessing child pornography.
In addition to college, Yancich was recruited by Sheetz, U.S. Steel, and 84 Lumber.
“In the end, college just seemed like the right fit,” Yancich said. “The coaches were great and I feel it was my best option to get out of this shithole.”
Surprising all in attendance, Yancich also revealed where he will be attending college: the Pennsylvania State University. The linebacker praised head coach Joe Paterno.
“Meeting Coach Paterno was the highlight of my life. It is an honor to have the opportunity to play for him,” he said. “I tend to wet my bed sometimes just as Coach soils his pants, so I just felt comfortable around him. It’s a natural fit.”
Yancich also disclosed he was pondering enrolling at the University of Pittsburgh, but an incident stemming from a recent logo change eliminated them from consideration.
“The staff lied to me. [Pitt athletic director] Jeff Long told me the logo would be easily identifiable and reproducible at small sizes, but this is not the case whatsoever,” Yancich exclaimed. “Besides, there was no way in hell I was going to play for an institution that has a rabid sea otter for a mascot.”
Repeated phone calls, e-mails and smoke signals to Long seeking comment were not answered by press time.
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