Pitt Announces Newest Corporate Partnership

OAKLAND (PR) – The University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department held a press conference this morning to confirm Pitt's newest corporate affiliate, the Gillette Corporation.

The news, delivered by Pitt Athletic Director Jeff Long, coincides with the unveiling of the "cleaned-up" Panther logo for Pitt Athletics. "We felt that with our 'cleaning-up' approach to revising the current Panther logo, we should make a fiduciary partnership with a company that has become world-reknowned for 'cleaning-up nice,' and what better brand to associate yourself with than Gillette?"

In creating this effective business relationship, Pitt has launched an advertising campaign aimed at those who use Gillette products before, during, or usually after watching Pitt football games to slit their writs.

"We've always heard the slogan that Gillette is 'The best a man can get,' well we're taking it to a whole new level," Long said.

With the new Panther logo, Pitt Athletics and Gillette have come up with a new marketing phrase to advertise this change: Gillette, the best a Panther can get.

"The opportunity for making tens of dollars from our fiercely loyal fanbase cannot be missed," said Long. "By undertaking this endeavor, we are assured of not missing the boat in terms of revenue opportunities... I mean, someone obviously has to pay for my O-Fries."

Gillette spokesman Willie Shaversnatch was also on hand to field questions from reporters, and spoke of the incredible opportunity presented with this new partnership.

"We, at Gillette, firmly believe in the concept of a smooth, close shave. That's exactly what we've given Pitt's beloved Panther," Shaversnatch stated. "Be prepared to see more coming changes to the Pitt image by way of the Gillette corporation."

One such unveiling planned is the new-look Roc the Panther mascot. "We don't want to elaborate too much and spoil the surprise," Long added. "But we can tell you folks with certainty that there's nothing quite nicer out there than a shaved pussy."

More details will come of these promotions when they are announced by the Pitt Athletic Department.

When questioned as to the script Pitt logo once again being passed-over in this new rendering of athletic trademarks, Long commented "What? Clean-shaven cat? Mach 3 Turbo Pitt Football? I can't understand what you're saying... you must be in the vocal minority."

Long then opened fire with a 12-gauge shotgun, striking a direct blow to the reporter's testicles. He was then halfway eaten by Pitt Strength and Conditioning Coach Buddy Morris, also in attendance at the press conference, who then proceeded to allow Gillette's Shaversnatch to shave off the reporter's beard and ass hair before dumping the remains of the body in an unidentified Petersen Events Center toilet.

Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette was 59 years old.