Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Nix Close to Committment

Pantherrants has learned that 6'5 280lb. Lucas Nix is very close to a decision. Pitt is currently the leader for the 5 star lineman's services in 2008. However, a few late additions are making a strong push. When interviewed, Nix stated, "I have ruled out Michigan, Ohio State, and Notre Dame but two new offers have me intrigued." The first team all conference stand-out recently returned from a whirlwind tour that had stops in northern England and Oak Brook, IL. When asked why England, Nix noted, "I got an offer from Hogwarts Academy . I really don't know how to play Quidditch but that Hermione Granger put a spell on me, if you know what I mean. It's not exactly easy to say no to a hot witch." When asked if they could secure his commitment, Nix elaborated, "I was strongly considering it last year but that place has been pretty screwed up since Dumbledore died. I don't know how confident I am in the leadership. However, liberal usage of my magic wand [winking] is encouraged. Ain't nothing wrong with that."

Nix also visited rural Illinois for his second stop where he secured a full scholarship from Hamburger University .
"McDonald's has THE BEST facilities," pronounced Nix. "Their operation is second to none. 20 Billion served? I mean, that's on the level of Summer Harris or even the Booty Patrol. You really can't top that." Asked about his area of focus and future goals after leaving Hamburger U. should Nix commit, he stated, "My goal is to catch that Hamburgler once and for all. Mayor McCheese has been on his ass for years but let's face it - he's not getting the job done. The world's citizens need to feel safe that they can enjoy their burgers without fear of theft." The altruistic Nix went on to say, "This may truly be my calling; it feels good to help people."

Nix hopes to make his decision by Father's Day. When asked about his son's choices, Mr. Nix told Pantherrants, "He really can't go wrong: obviously we're a little biased and we'd love for him to go to Pitt and be close to home. But any parent that has a warlock son knows that securing the respect of the neighbors will not be an issue. However, who can turn down the Grimace? He's big and purple - that carries a lot of weight where I come from."

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