Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Breaking Health News

Panther Rants has learned that Andrew Speaker, a 31-year old lawyer from Hotlanta, Georgia, who has received national attention for ingnoring sound advice from everyone with a sembelance of morality and a brain, was infected with tuberculosis by former Pitt Panther recruiting expert Harry G. Psaros. The chance meeting occurred on the Atlanta subway two months ago, while Psaros was in town scouting Jeremy Shubb, younger brother of former Pitt recruit Mark Shubb. Longtime Hotlanta resident oprahandfriends told our reporter, "I saw Psaros coughing and bleeding from his eyes while he tried to watched recruit videos on his portable DVD player. At the next MARTA stop, Mr. Speaker got on, and tripped over Psaros' fake leg. Psaros bent down to help Mr. Speaker to his feet, and in that moment I saw some of the blood that had not dried to Psaros' face drip onto Mr. Speaker". A representative from the Centers for Disease Control stated that "It is unlikely that this incredibly deadly form of TB was transmitted via blood". When informed of this, oprahandfriends responded "If you would've let me finish, I'd have told you that Psaros also sneezed on Mr. Speaker. Oh, and I saw them kissing too". At this point, Mr. oprahandfriends went into a tirade about "that damned subway and all the africans it moves rapidly through atlanta". Our reporter later learned that Mr. oprahandfriends had recently escaped from a local mental institution.

Mr. Psaros was unavailable for comment, as he was admitted to Atlanta Regional Medical Center for dialysis and i.v. antiobiotic treatment for the plague. Mr. Speaker also could not be reached for comment, however a spokesperson for the Speaker family did release a short statement, blasting health care officials for allowing "someone so obviously sick as Mr. Psaros to travel around the country and sneeze on people. What kind of half-assed organization employs someone with one foot in the grave anyway?".

1 comment:

The Pitt Guru said...

DAMN YOU PANTHER RANTS! I wanted to hide my lethal illness from the world. You busted me! It's worth noting I'll be wearing my protective mask during football games. Keep up the great work! Love the blog.

Harry Psaros - The Pitt Guru