Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Blue and 24 Karat Gold: The Pitt Elitist News

Silicon Valley Panther and PITTLAW are most certainly "pleased" to present to you, petty alumni and fans that don't pay the athletic department as much as we do, this latest edition of Blue and 24 Karat Gold News!

The Blue and 24 Karat Gold News comes to you as service of the Blue and 24 Karat Gold Club at the University of Pittsburgh. Our exclusive membership allows only the finest members of Pitt society access to our special cocktails, socials, and stock market field trips. The Club itself has been a storied Oakland secret for generations. Now, for the first time ever the Blue and 24 Karat Gold Club is available to the wealthy upper-echelon of the public! The cost of access, you might wonder? Don't worry, you petty Pitt fans can't afford it. This society is for true Blue and 24 Karat Gold material, which is why you who are reading this will never get in.

With our going public, it was with the utmost pleasure and satisfaction that we unveil to you today the official tailgate of the Blue and 24 Karat Gold Club! With only a small donation (in excess of the low-end donation of $500,000), you can go from the disgusting, impoverished tailgating scene that is the Heinz Field parking lots directly to a true first-class experience on gameday. There's no cheap cornhole games or pots of chili here...Only the grandest of all the socials in this beautiful city that we hold so dearly to our hearts (mainly because we own it).

The fun begins three hours prior to kickoff atop Mt. Washington to only further enhance our image of superiority. Prior to the serving of our entrees, you will be delighted by appearances and speeches by our very own guest speakers, ranging from financially-successful Pitt graduates to former Pitt NFLers who currently gross over $1,000,000 in earnings. Afterwards comes the best part of our pre-game celebration: THE ENTREES! We serve only the finest Duck L'Orange, Carved Meats, Imported Cheeses and Caviar, and the most sinfully delicious desserts. Our beverages range from our most modest beer (Heineken) to the finest liqeurs, such as Johnnie Walker Blue Label. Forget your Iron City Light and your cheap bottles of Bankers Club (which we own and make a crap-load of money off of), this is the true dining and entertainment experience!

After our entrees comes the complementary transport down the Duquesne Incline to the Station Square Grand Ballroom for a beautiful gathering to dance, smoke cigars, smell brandy, and discuss our hedge funds and stock market shares. Your gameday experience concludes with a police-escorted limousine ride to the Heinz Field Club Seating gate. Here is where only our most exclusive members will gain access to the grandest of all amenitites that Heinz Field has to offer (and we aren't talking about Primanti's sandwiches!). In next weeks edition of the Blue and 24 Karat Gold News, we will provide a sneak peak of those wonderful privileges to our not-so prospective members who will be reading this column and wishing they were as good as we are and could afford such incredible amenities at Pitt football home games.

For more information, please do not hesitate to contact us once you've accumulated the wealth of a Fortune 500 company and/or have a Pitt Athletics facility/scholarship in your name.

Until next time, cheers to our dearest Pitt faithful!
YOU are the impoverished!

1 comment:

moose420 said...

Are there any members of the Lair or Scout that do belong to this elite club? I would like to hear about their experiences. If it sounds worth it I will free up some funds.