Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Athletic department unveils new football uniforms

The University of Pittsburgh athletic department held a press conference to unveil its latest rendition of the school's uniform. Athletic director Jeff Long announced Friday that the school's new uniforms will be designed and manufactured by athletic apparel maker FUBU. Long said that the latest rendition (pictured below) should be in sporting good stores by the beginning of August.

"We are committed to providing Panther fans with the highest quality, and most obnoxious looking, uniforms in college football, and the FUBU label provided us with the best opportunity to do this," Long said in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants. "Besides, we had learned that most of our fanbase has already purchased the most recent rendition of the jersey so we felt that it was time to bilk summore cash out of them."

Long then immediately hung up the phone in fear that the reporter might ask about the Script Pitt uniform which many fans have clamoured for since a "throwback" uniform was used in 2005 against Youngstown State. Multiple messages were not returned by Long.

Head coach Dave Wannstedt wasn't as concerned about the new logo and colors, which mimic Michigan and Cal, as he was the sizing. As is FUBU policy, all jerseys will come in size XXXL, which will make for a bulky and unusual look on the field.

"How the hell are we supposed to run in a jersey that looks like a Gawdamn dress," Wannstedt asked. "Back when I was at the University of Miami with Jimmy Johnson, we called that a boat cover, not a uniform."

As is typical when the school is unveiling news which could be perceived as bad, the presser was held at 4:30 p.m. in hopes that the media wouldn't show up.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Is it sad that after reading this, I had to reassure myself that it was satire?

Script. Now.