The University of Pittsburgh Athletic Department hastily called a press conference this afternoon to discuss rumors regarding the football team's Defensive Coordinator. Athletic Director, Jeff Long was in attendance along with Rhoades, his wife, and team physician, Dr. Freddy Fu. Long indicated that the rumors were flying about Rhoades' health and whether he could continue at his post. "I had people calling me unlike ever before. I must have gotten two, maybe 3 calls. All were very concerned about Paul." Dr. Fu then stepped in and discussed the medical problem. "Paul came in for a routine blood test. We noticed some abnormalities and did some DNA testing. It turns out he is, in fact, part kangaroo."
As any Pitt fan can attest, this is no shock and it wasn't to Dr. Fu. "I had my suspicions after watching his behavior the past few years he's been at Pitt. I mean, do you see him constantly hopping around on the sidelines? My first thought was the man had some sort of vestibular problem or was trying to shake water out of his ears. But alas, he was just doing what the good Lord put in his DNA."
Rhoades' wife then stepped up to field a question. As with Dr. Fu, she noted that this development came as no shock. "I am actually releaved. Finally, things come together. I've never worn lingerie with Paul. He makes me wear a pouch to get him in the mood. Anything will do; hell, we wouldn't have any kids if it weren't for the lacey pink fanny pack I made a few years ago."
The press conference ended abruptly when Rhoades himself was asked for comment. He turned, stared blankly, chewed a root, and hopped away. Long closed by stating, "This kangaroo thing shouldn't affect Paul's abiilty to do his job at all. There's no reason why can't continue to be one of the worst defensive coordinators in college football."
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