Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Pitt's Ferris to Hit the Stage
PITTSBURGH (PR) - In an unexpected announcement made by the Benedum Center for the Performing Arts, University of Pittsburgh Assistant Athletic Director in Marketing & Promotions Chris Ferris has been cast in the role of Little Orphan Annie for the Benedum's production of Annie scheduled to show in early October. "This is certainly an excellent opportunity for me to represent the Pitt athletic department and the University of Pittsburgh in the cultural realm," Ferris told Panther Rants in an exclusive telepathic interview. "The University's student population itself is made up of roughly half of a bunch of weird, artsy retards who will pounce all over the opportunity to purchase tickets for this event," Ferris added. "With this comes the opportunity for me to further market the Pitt Panthers to another realm of our great city, eventhough no one in their right minds will fall for this...In reality, I'm just happy to finally realize my dream of acting like a little, redheaded, step-child girl in the public eye, not just in dealing with Pitt fans and their e-mails." When asked if he was contemplating a sex-change for the role, Ferris stated that he's "Wayyyy ahead of you guys...This is my purpose in life, to be a big, sloppy vagina and to show it to the public."
Billy Hillgrove-Shakespeare, producer of Annie, felt that Ferris brought a "brand new attitude to the fiel...I mean stage. Chris will be taking it to the house for a touchdow...err, encore, and everyone will be on their feet in Heinz Fie...Benedum Hall for this show." Hillgrove-Shakespeare, reknowned for his media expertise in the city of Pittsburgh, is more than confident that the performing arts sect of the public will embrace this notion of Pitt athletics mixed with Pittsburgh performing art culture. "It's important that Pitt athletics do a 'check with me' with their potential marketing and fanbase, and then call a punt...no wait it's a fumble! Now they're saying incomplete? INTERCEPTED! What are we talking about again?" Hillgrove-Shakespeare then proceeded to drop his bottle of Scotch and was then unavailable for further comment on the subject.
Ferris reiteratted that the opportunity to capitalize on a previously untapped market was far too good to pass up. "We loved those UPMC commercials with the Pittsburgh Ballet and the Steelers football team being meshed into the same entity, as it proves that sports and art can go hand-in-hand. We've done some effective marketing research into this nuance and have discovered that people would now rather watch a bunch of gymnasts and fags dance in tights and leotards than watch Pitt football." Although there is some despair in these findings, Ferris remains opptimistic of this new marketing scheme. "We want to re-establish the good, honest, trustworthy relationships with our fanbase...basically, we want them to see past our arrogance, ignorance, and utter retarded actions over the past decades and to fork over all of their money to us while we don't listen to a word they say." Tickets for Annie will go on sale at the Pitt-Grambling State game, with an unlimited number of tickets still available for the game on Sepetember 8th at Heinz Field.