Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Penn State Announces Scheduling Agreement with Lock Haven

STATE COLLEGE (PR) - Pennsylvania State University Athletic Director Timothy M. Curley has announced that the Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania (NCAA D-II) Bald Eagles have been added to the Nittany Lions' home football slate for the next 12 years in a 12 to 0 deal. The series will begin next fall. "We feel that this game is an opportunity to include the near-by community of Lock Haven, PA into the Penn State family," Curley said at a press conference on a cow farm somewhere west of Beaver Stadium. "Plus, all 15 Lock Haven football diehards will be making this trip year-in and year-out...Show me another school that will bring 100% of their fanbase as these true supporters are." Curley, however, was quick to give credit to coach Joe Paterno for scheduling the Bald Eagles. "Coach Paterno was instrumental in organizing this arrangement with Lock Haven University, as he is in making all decisions in this athletic department. Hell, I just sit around and drink kool-aid and masturbate in my office all day...JoePa is the real H.N.I.C. in these parts."

Paterno, also present at the press conference, was modest in responding to Curley's complimentary remarks. "Tim has been a real team player here at the University. He's always washed my soiled underwear and kept my trousers nicely pressed," Paterno said. "You think that it's my wife who rolls up my pant cuffs? Think again, it's this guy right here (Curley). He's also quite the ass wiper, he never leaves any poo tracks that might lead to skid-marks." When asked about the reasoning for scheduling a Division II NCAA program, Paterno was direct and to-the-point. "The Big East Conference is obviously to blame for Lock Haven being behind the 8-ball when it comes to having pull in the arena of college football. If they had accepted that school into the conference like they should have back in 1945, Lock Haven wouldn't have the problem of being on the outside looking in! Hell, the Big East allowed Hitler to roll into Poland and kill all those Jews!" When reminded that the Big East had not actually formed until 1979, Paterno tacitly responded, "Yes they did, you tryin' to call me a liar?" The reporter was then viciously attacked by several Penn State football players in attendance at the press conference. He was last listed in guarded condition by the Penn State Agricultural Hospital.

Due to these attacks, the University has issued a statement that the football program will "deal with the discipline of these players internally." Curley reiteratted that "Penn State stands for everything that is right in this great nation, especially when they pay me to do nothing but finger Coach Paterno's asshole all day and then give him the reach-around that he always demands. We have student-athletes at this fine institution, and rest assured we will continue to run the cleanest program and underpants in the country." Paterno added that the team will "stay around an extra 2 minutes after each practice to watch me make B.M. as their punishment." Senior Quarterback Anthony Morelli, when asked of the severity of the punishment, said that "it's not a big deal, we usually can smell him doing it on the field so it's nothing new. Besides, watching someone poop will probably help me to understand a little bit more about my major of Kinesiology...I mean, a bowel movement is a human movement isn't it? I'm not sure, I haven't been to a class yet."

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