Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Enter the Take the Bye Week (-5) Zone

Good afternoon Panther fans (all 2 of you left), and welcome to the Somewhere Between SMU and Samford Athletics Factor for this Monday, October 1, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, even when Pitt is guaranteed to get their asses kicked like Jared Leto in 'Fight Club'. There is nothing to say about the Pitt vs Pitt-Charlottesville game that hasn't already been said. We here at Panther Rants have gone so far as to call off the dogs on He Who Went to Bowl Games. We have been discussing the situation in Pitt Athletics and believe we have come up with a few solutions. These solutions are the subject of today's He Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo:

1. Offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh, if he hasn't already been Billy Batts'd (right), should be fired effective immediately. Bump David Walker or Brian Angelichio up to OC, and see how they do with the remainder of the season. Matt, here's a tip for your next job: When you're down by 3 scores.....try the forward pass. I know it sounds radical, but it has been proven to be effective, especially when you have a QB who can in fact complete passes. Oh, and try not to reveal to the media the day before the game that you instruct your QBs to LOCK ONTO THEIR #1 TARGET AS SOON AS THE BALL IS SNAPPED.

2. Paul Rhoads should be fired immediately. We know this will come as a big hurt to Paul_Rhoads'_Pogo_Ball, but the man has proven one thing over the past 5 years: He's an imbecile. Jumping is great, if your defense can stop anybody. His can't. And couldn't he have pulled Jemeel Brady aside and told him to knock the fist pumping off, down 30 points? Promote Chris Ball, on the condition he learns that on 3rd and 20, the nickel, or god forbid the dime, is your friend. God created the nickelback for a reason, and no, not the shitty faux-Pearl Jam band. How many times was a pass completed on 3rd down, and then running into the screen, clearly out of position, was Jemeel Brady, a LB? PLAY A GODDAMN NICKEL.

3. Play the young talent. We cannot stress this enough. LeSean McCoy should get 30 touches per game, minimum. Bostick should start the rest of the way. Sit Oderick Turner, and play Pestano, Mo Williams, TJ Porter, and Aundre Wright. All camp, all we heard about was how electric Aundre Wright was. And...........? Sit Strong, play Byham and Pelusi. Sit Brooks, play Collins and Hynoski. Play LaRod, BUT USE HIM CORRECTLY. STOP RUNNING HIM UP THE MIDDLE. HIS NAME IS LAROD STEPHENS-HOWLING, NOT LAROD FUAMATU-MA'AFALA. I guess this belongs in the Cav rant, but as Cav was buried in the woods by Jimmy Conway, he can't hear us.

4. Hire a competent AD. One who has balls enough to pick HIS guy for the football program, should Wannstedt refuse to do any of the above 3 "suggestions". We couldn't lure Boise State's AD here? How about TCU's? Tulsa's? This shouldn't be this difficult, but knowing our Board of Untrusworthees, we'll end up with Sol Rosenberg. DON'T DO THINGS ON THE CHEAP.

The past few weeks, nay the past 25 years, have been hellish for Pitt Football fans, with few bright spots (Miami in '97, VT a couple of times, Larry Fitzgerald, and LeSean McCoy). So this is our plea. Won't YOU help turn things around, Chancellor?


Anonymous said...

Just noticed the subcaption under the title........nice...nice.

Anyone know the line on the Bye game?

vito said...

00.75 dave's qpa as an undergrad