Pittsburgh - Pitt Chancellor, Mark Nordenberg, reached out to the Diocese of Pittsburgh today. "We have formally begun discussions with Bishop Zubik to help Pitt football. After 25 years of mediocrity, we thought it was a just a lack of competence as to why our team sucked. But starting mid-season last year, we've lost countless players to season-ending injuries, including starters at QB, OL, DL, WR, and DE. I became to be very concerned after the loss to Uconn at home. Once we lost to Navy, at home, on a Wednesday night, I knew this was no ordinary poltergeist. Coach Wannstedt tearing his Achilles was the final straw."
Bishop Zubik elaborated. "I am quite concerned that Pitt football is possessed not only by a lesser demon, but by Satan himself. The cause can be a myriad of things. We will have to perform a full investigation. There are many remedies, the most severe of which would be an exorcism."
Asked about the reason for the team's demonic possession, the Bishop continued. "We're certainly in the preliminary stages of this inquiry. However, my initial ideas center around the Jews. Now don't get offended at that - I'm Catholic so it's just standard practice to blame them. My other suspicions lie with Coach Sherrill on November 28th, 1981. I've heard that the Coach, desperate for a win over PSU, sold Pitt's soul to the devil for a win that day. Immediately afterwards, Hugh Green got screwed out of the Heisman and Sherrill quickly ran out of town. If this is true, it would be represent a long and entrenched possession. My other idea is there are multiple demons at work, mostly being summoned by young co-eds on Halloween. The students reportedly stand in front of mirrors repeating, "Jock Sutherland" three times. Coach supposedly appears, very angry, seeking his vengeance on his old team. As I stated, I can't be sure yet but I can be certain that it will be the hardest case we've seen in the US since that whole Red Sox thing got resolved."
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