Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Wannstedt Diagnosed

UPMC - Pantherrants has learned that friends and family of Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt have taken him to UPMC for testing. Reported symptoms include stubborness, inability to adapt, and poor memory.

Dr. Fu commented that Coach's problems are of unknown cause but he's seen similar cases. "We did numerous studies. All signs point to the fact that Coach simply can't remember much. There are a few scattered memories around the early 90's but for the most part, he can not recall anything after 1987. He sings Ratt and Winger, he wears a Member's Only jacket, and he thinks the wishbone offense is the wave sweeping college football."

Dr. Fu continued. "This all points to what we call 'anterograde amnesia,' which is memory loss after a certain time period. The person has an inability to recall things after that point. The reasons could be because of trauma or psychological in nature. We've explored his history and test results and can not find anything physical. Our psychologists speculate that 1987 was the heights of Dave's life - Pittsburgh was going through it's Renaissance, he wasn't working in the mill anymore, he had just won a national championship at Miami, and Tom Sellek was making a goofy stache fashionable. And Dave was probably pulling some quality tail, something that no man from Baldwin has ever done before. Coach likely realized, subconsciously, that this was as good as it would ever get and rather than face tougher times, he decided to stay in 1987. We're hoping some therapies will help him out but it's been difficult; as anyone that's heard him talk knows, Dave's propensity to adapt and change is as low as it gets."

More updates to follow.


dr jimmy said...

I really do not think there is a cure for Wanny's problem

dr jimmy said...

Sorry guys, misdiagnosis, my diagnosis is stupidity; long term prognosis no more wins this season.