Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, October 26, 2007

From the Department of Reality

As some have noticed (hi, Louisville and Heiser!), we like to use humor and satire to pick on Pitt, its rivals and other local teams. But sometimes, dammit, the truth is just more interesting. Such is the case with the latest news out of State College that...oh no! Someone vandalized the "Paternoville" sign! Our comments are in Bold.


By Erin Prah
Collegian Staff Writer

Graffiti was found this morning on a homemade Paternoville sign attached to the rock in the center of Gate A at Beaver Stadium.

The white sheet (Insert your own joke. It's too easy), lettered in blue tape to read "Paternoville 2007," was written over with red spray paint to say "border wars, Go Bucks, #1." The word "Paternoville" was crossed out.
The rock and the plaque on it commemorating General James A. Beaver also had some red spray paint on it that had seeped through the sheet.

The Paternoville sheet had been signed by six football players and the Nittany Lion and was going to be auctioned off for the Interfraternity/Panhellenic Council Dance Marathon.

Further proof that Penn State people are certifiable. Who the hell in their right mind buys this thing? And what the hell do you do with it when you do? Frame it and put it in your game room so you can try to explain to your non PSU Kool-Aid sipping relatives why you dropped $250 on a bedsheet?

Paternoville campers said they believe the sign was written on between the hours of 4 and 6 a.m. They filed a report with Penn State Police around 10 a.m. today.

University police Lt. Bill Moerschbacher said there are no suspects yet, and the incident is still being investigated.

Oh thank God. Please, catch these bastards. Forget about anyone who mugs, or rapes or drives drunk. Please pour all law enforcement resources into finding the culprits who vandalized a soaking wet bedsheet.

Lance Gawel (senior-information sciences and technology) took down the sign from the rock, bundled it up and stuck it in his group's tent.
Paternoville residents taped a new sign to the rock written in black and red marker that read "got class?"

That's a very good question. Do any of these "students" have classes this week? They've been camping out for a week. I hear a lot about school spirit, but it seems to be centered more on the "spirit" and less on the "school." Then again, didn't we all know that most people go to Penn State solely for football? I mean, beyond the football and great hotel and restaurant management major program, is there ANYTHING offered at this school that couldn't be obtained somewhere else, like Gannon?

Paternoville camper T.J. Jastrem (senior-landscape contracting) said he was the first camper to see the red graffiti.
"I got up at six and was the first to see it," he said. "It's really ballsy (you allow "ballsy" to appear in your student newspaper? I thought that this was one of the great student newspapers in the free world). I almost feel like we should keep it up and rally the troops with it."

Yes, rally the troops. I can hear Paterno now. "They might be bigger than us. They might be faster than us. They're ranked higher than us. But no one - and I mean NO ONE - comes into OUR HOUSE and vandalizes OUR $6.99 100-thread count Wal-Mart bedsheet!"

Leigh Ann Oleykowski (senior-public relations), who had made the "Paternoville 2007" sign and put it on the rock on Tuesday, said she wanted to take it down.

"I say take it down. It's embarrassing," she said.

It's a bedsheet

Gawel said he felt the same way.

"It's such a bummer," he said. "Everyone looks at it, and it makes them sad."

It's a bedsheet, you morons!!!!!!

Oleykowski said they will make another Paternoville sign.

The official Paternoville banner, hanging by the ticket booth rails, remains unscathed.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think more people were at Paternoville this week than at the last Pitt home game.

Anonymous said...

Pathetic Pitt College fans. You wish Pitt was as good a university as Penn State. It's part of what eats you sad sacks alive. Poor Pitt... left behind in what appeared to be the left for dead New Mac East, only to be surpassed by WVU, Louisville, Rutgers(!), USF(!), and Uconn(!). On top of that, you have to go to a sad sack school like Pitt College in what is easily one of the most depressing "cities" in America.

Poor Pitt. Good luck getting bowl eligible.

Anonymous said...

PSU = teh ghey

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Really? Someone who goes to school on the set of 'Birth of a Nation' is mocking Pittsburgh? That's rich.

Also, bragging about how many kids are skipping class to hang out is awesome. I'm sure their parents are very proud. What's next, bragging how many kids get under a 2.0?

Paul Rhoads' Pogo Ball said...

"Anonymous said...
Pathetic Pitt College fans. You wish Pitt was as good a university as Penn State. It's part of what eats you sad sacks alive. Poor Pitt... left behind in what appeared to be the left for dead New Mac East, only to be surpassed by WVU, Louisville, Rutgers(!), USF(!), and Uconn(!). On top of that, you have to go to a sad sack school like Pitt College in what is easily one of the most depressing "cities" in America.

Poor Pitt. Good luck getting bowl eligible.

October 26, 2007 7:01 PM"

The University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine has made great strides in cancer research. Penn State has made great strides in curing crab grass.

Guess it comes down to what you value in life.

Anonymous said...

How about an article on this?

"Pitt Announcer Pleads Guilty To Child Porn Charges"

http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/14423777/detail.html

http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com/2007/10/pa-ex-espn-radio-pitt-announcer-pleads.html

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Let's see...someone loosely affiliated with Pitt has child porn, or in the last 4 years, 2 Penn State players have raped women (and countless others have raped men in the State College bath houses). Yeah, that's comparable.

dr jimmy said...

To rebuttal anonymous #2

Come on let's be realistic, one of the most depressing "cities" in America?

Where can you find culture; in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh offers a very wide array of cultural experiences for its residents and visitors. Conversely in State College, well, let’s just say you can get one hell of an agricultural experience from looking at the corn fields or planting soy bean.

It really sounds like you are the one who suffers from depression due to the extended stay in State College (Agriculture).

Any chance you have health insurance?

I'm conducting a study on the effects of prolonged stays in rural areas (being deprived of culture); it really sounds like you would be a perfect subject in my control group.

Drop Panther Rants a note, they can put us in touch!

Double-wide Headband said...

I think more racist, white sheet waring rednecks were at Paternoville this week than at the last Pitt home game.

Pretty sure you are correct, I heard titlemans whole crew didnt make it to the game last week

Anonymous said...

You Pitt fans are laughable. I knew one of you would try to chime in about Pitt College's medical school; one which has Pitt College graduates as about 2% of its ranks. Pitt College is a miserable place to get an "education". It eats you Pitt fans up that Penn State is universally acknowledged to be a superior university as compared to the likes of Pitt College.

I feel bad for all of you, if you think that Pittsburgh is anything other than the dying midwestern industrial city that it is. It reveals your own, sad, Pitt fan colloquial nature to think that Pittsburgh is the least bit cosmopolitan.

It isn't, Pitt fans. If fat, 36 year old white guys with goatees, wearing flannel shirts, thinking Pearl Jam is the next big thing is urban and hip, then Pittsburgh is it!

The truth is Pitt fans, Western PA is what is most redneck about the state. Pittsburgh is your capital, and you think it's "the big city", because your world revolves around it. You live in such insularity that you don't realize there is a wider world outside of the place where goons love the "stillerz", put french fries on salad, and say "needs wershed".

PSU is in a small town. I went there to get an education. You pathetic Pitt fans, with nothing to have pride in about your university besides a medical school almost none of you have a shot it, delude yourselves into thinking, "at least I went to school in a big city".

You didn't Pitt fans. Where you went to school has about 325000 residents. Wow. Here in NYC, that's a couple neighborhoods. Not really a "big city", is it, Pitt fans? But you have this much going for you, Pitt fans: It would be better to go to school in Pittsburgh than Indianapolis, or Cincinnati, or Lexington, KY. Go, Pitt?

Anonymous said...

six and a half hours before the biggest gayme of their season and this slob is on a Pitt blog babbling about Pittsburgh dying. Hey buddy, New Orleans is dying too so I guess Tulane sucks. People are fleeing Philadelphia in droves as well so I guess the University of Pennsylvania is crap as well.

Of course, Penn State people believe that their school is better than Tulane and Penn. They need to in order to justify their existence. Because if the myth dies, well, then they're nothing but a buncha' front-running slaps that picked a college for a football team, just like LSU and Oklahama. Two additional joke colleges that are known solely for athletics.

Anonymous said...

Poor Pitt fan, Penn State IS a better university than Pitt College, and it eats you fools up. Choose PSU for football? Nah, I chose it for the education, one that consistently trumps Pitt College's in ratings. I'd be sad too if all I had to brag about related to my university is how it's in a dying midwestern city.

Pitt College is sad. So sad. Good luck getting to .500, Pitt.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Ummm, which ratings put Penn State ahead of Pitt? And no, I don't really put stock in KKK News and Aryan World Report. Nice try though.

Puckyinz said...

37-17...Ohio State not only sprayed on your bedsheet, but took a massive shit in your fucking mouth. WE ARE...PENN STATE!

vito said...

I am sorry to burst your bubble, it's "The Unversity of Pittsburgh"; not Pitt College.