Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Brohm Comes Forward

Louisville, KY - Pantherrants sat down with UL quarterback, Brian Brohm. We were able to discuss his motivation for staying for his senior season. "I tote the company line with all the local folks. They think so highly of me that I don't want to let them down." Brohm publicly stated last year that he was going to forego the riches of the NFL to help his team win a national championship.

"I knew we'd never win a championship with a new coach. And who cares anyway? There really are several reasons I stayed. The first is that all the Brohm's peak at age 21. Like my bitch-ass dad and brother, there's no hope for me in the NFL. It's just not in our genetic structure to do anything of consequence after age 21."

Brohm continued, "Another reason is just straight up fear. I was born in Louisville, went to high school here, and now college. I'm scared to death to stop suckling from daddy's teat. Plus, my mom is here to wash my sandy vag, go shopping, and all other kinds of things us girls do. To be perfectly honest, the NFL is hard. There are big guys there that will take advantage of a young girl like me. I want to stay here at UL where I'm beloved and can do no wrong. If the people here see I have a weakness, it will be just one more hit on their pathetic, boring, and idiotic lives. It's all they have. Everyone with a brain knows U of Kentucky is way better than this shithole but any glimmer of the better life I can give them is what I'll do."

Brohm then stopped the interview to call his boyfriend and bitch at him for not being sensitive to his needs.

Continuing. "Oh, by the way, I LOVE your shoes, Mr. Reporter guy. Did you get them on sale? Oh my god - they are SOO cute!" At this point, we concluded the interview by helping Brohm fix his lipstick.


Anthony said...

All I can say is WOW. You guys are far beyond 'The Onion.' The Brohm stuff is priceless and has provided me with more laughs than any one man should deserve in a lifetime. Keep up the good work. Oh and by the way, if the Louisville blogger can't tell the difference between satire and seriousness, just send him to his room without his thesauras and he'll be over it by morning.

Anonymous said...

Such elevated humor.

-- U of L fan blogger

River_City_Rivalry_Champs said...

We leave the elevated humor in Pittsburgh to Dennis Miller.