Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Pitt Fans With Speech Impediment Ruin Opening Day


Heinz Field -


Pitt's opening day 2009 started with much fanfare and excitement. The Panthers are coming off their best season in decades and looking to build fan support for new and exciting squad.
However, the cheers turned to "boos" early in in the contest as Pitt fans let the starting quarterback, Bill Stull, hear their frustrations. Or did they...?
Silently for the past 6 months, Pitt Athletic Director, Steve Pederson, has been reaching out to his favorite charity, ASHA (American Speech-Language Hearing Association). The AD commented, "We decided to form a partnership and support ASHA this year. After years of Wlat Harris as Head Coach and his lisp, and now Coach Wannstedt and his broken Pittsburghese, we felt that it was natural to stand behind this silent killer of a disease known to most as a speech impediment."
And Pederson's plan worked great. Over 20,000 tickets were distributed to individuals in the region that suffer from speech impediment, namely those with difficulty pronouncing "L's." The AD continued, "This particular segment of the association just really was behind Pitt football. They're loud and really cheer for the team. Most hail from either the Seton La-Salle area or Youngstown so they were really excited to see their hometown boy, quarterback Bill Stull."
Unfortunately, that's when things turned ugly. Casual fans heard the boos throughout the stadium as Stull entered the field. However, the group was merely trying to say, "Bill!!!!," but due to the affliction, all anyone heard was, "booo!!!" [Note: The author encourages you to try saying "Bill" w/out your tongue and hear what it sounds like]
After the game, ASHA area president, Lilly Littleton said, "I just can not beweeve this happened to our Booey Stuooo. We ruv Booey so much and now he is huwt and sad aww because of us and our damn wwwwisp." Pederson also commented, "That Ron Cook in the PG today, he got it all wrong. Poor journalism as usual from that guy. These people called out to Stull all game to show their support and unfortunately, it was taken the wrong way. Needless to say, we're holding a tutorial for them before the next home game where we just encourage them to say "Go Pitt!" Not even Wlat could get that one wrong....wait, is that recorder still on...hey...where you going!!??"

3 comments:

John said...

Your back with the cutting edge analysis and humor!

kdrtoona said...

It should also be noted that former NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw was leading the crowd in its vociferous cheers. "Llhleaaaping hlizaaaaards,"said tongue tied Tom, "we hllooove Biiiihhhllly Stuuuhll and hope he isn't mad at us. I'm Tom Brokaw."

John said...

No Foge updates?

No WLAT humor?

I have to say that this site has really slipped or maybe you finally GOT A LIFE AND FINALLY GETTING LAID!!!!!