Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pitt Looks to Revamp Running Corp

Blawnox -

With the loss of the two time team leading RB, Lesean Mccoy, Pitt is left with a large void at RB. Additionally, Pitt's second leading rushing, Larod Stephens-Howling-Nelson-Vader-Johansson-Obama, and FB Conredge Collins, Coach Wannstedt must replace the entirety of Pitt's RB corp.

Thankfully, the cupboard is not bare. Coach Wannstedt has stockpiled a treasure-trove of 4'10" 110lb midgets, oompa-loompas, and elves in an effort to bring a more dynamic and shifty presence to his offense's running game. Pitt's 95lb Junior Running Back, Kevin Collier commented (in a high-pitched squeal): "It's nice that those freakish giants have left and given an opportunity to us little people. Let's face facts - our offensive line has been terrible; the smaller the player, the more likely we make it between the tiny holes between the tackles and get that elusive 2 foot gain."

Freshman Dionne Lewis, a 4'2" wunderkind out of New Jersey gave his perspective. "I came to Pitt because of Coach Wannstedt. He articulated two things to me: 1 - his love of a good fish sammiches with tartar sauce and 2 - his belief that little people can do big things." Lewis stated to this reporter that his biggest hero growing up was Atom from the Justice League. "That guy could get into places that no one else could; not even Superman. If you needed a key unlocked, Atom could do it. And that's what I am - the guy that can get a consistent 1 yard per carry."

Freshman 2 star waste of scholarship Jason Douglas from Florida also commented. "Down in Florida, our kind is shunned and not given a chance. But here at Pitt, we Little People have a home where we can be comfortable and find others like ourselves. It was an easy decision because they liked me and also because in no way would any sane coach offer me a scholarship."

Coach Cignetti gave a pre-camp statement about his stable of RB's. "I'll tell you that when I first got to campus and met our RB's, it was a lot like going to the land of toy ponies. You see them and they're so cute and all. But then I realized that I had already terminated my contract with Cal and this is what I had to work with. So I wanted to go all passing this year but our Qb's aren't any good. Oy - I'm the poster child for not looking at all the facts before making a job move."

When asked for comment, the Little People of America () stated that they are very proud of the University of Pittsburgh's commitment to helping the plight of midgets everywhere. Then they started singing "We are a part of the lollipop guild..."


Anonymous said...

Do you think Chase Adams can qualify as a "little person" for the basketball team?

Anonymous said...

Jason Douglas can absolutely fly and will be an stud, similar to Devine at WVU.

Jeff said...

Are you sure Jason isn't the size of a fly?

Anonymous said...

No updates from camp, you guys really suck!!

Joshua said...

Eh, close enough. I call Pitt's current RB corps Moe, Larry, and Curly.

he who once took you to bowl games said...

Are you guys catering fish sandwiches for fan fest or is Denny's?

Any news on Foge?

Wlat, where are you?

Anonymous said...

Hey, WLAT is back in Akron Ohio!!!