Surprise Candidate for Pitt AD Throws Her Hat Into Ring

And by hat, we mean diaphragm. Famed sex symbol/hotel heiress/would-be porn star/hardened felon Paris Hilton has apparently expressed her desire to become Pitt's next athletic director. With the departure of Jeff "That's Hot" Long to greener pastures, the highly attractive position he vacated has received countless queries from many qualified people. But because this is Pitt, those queries were denied. Ms. Hilton, on the other hand, could potentially bring a fresh face to Pitt athletics (and help to gain the attention of that elusive "young crowd" to fill up the football stadium in the hopes of bumping in - and out - and in - and out - and into her.)

Sources close to the bazillionairess say that she wants a real job, but a relatively obscure one, in an effort to fix her tarnished image. Those same sources make the claim that she likes the school's campus, especially the Cathedral of Learning. She was also receptive to the fact that many quality hospitals were in close vicinity to what would be her orifice. Uh, office. When asked why that might be such an attractive feature for a bazillionairess whose primary medical work is done by a doctor named Gunther in Switzerland, the sources said, "So she can fill her prescriptions without prying eyes." When prompted about what prescriptions might cause prying eyes, they said, "Her blood pressure prescriptions. Really."

Remaining unsubstantiated, however, are the rumors that if Ms. Hilton were to become Pitt's next - and immediately, finest - athletic director, her first move would be to rename the Petersen Events Center to Valtrex Arena. As the statuesque beauty might say, "That's hot." Well said, Ms. Athletic Director. Well said.