Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, September 13, 2007


New Panther Equipment

In light of losing Gus Mustakas for the season, Jeff Long did one last thing before he left for Arkansas. When Pitt goes up to East Lansing, the players will be wearing a new piece of equipment that should prevent any player from getting injured.

The team will be wearing exoskeletons. These exoskeletons were developed by Optimus Prime and the Transformers. Gus fell victim on Saturday to a Decepticon disguised as a Grambling player. Instead of Gatorade, the team will quench their thirst with Energon Cubes.

Pitt AD Search

While an interim AD has been established, Pitt is now looking at Candidates for the new AD position. Over the weekend, Pitt contacted every player and coach that was on the Pitt teams from 1976-1981. There’s not much being said as to what each candidate’s objective is if they get the position.

Panther Rants telepathically contacted a group of candidates called the Underpants Gnomes and here’s the outline of their objectives:

1. Bring back Pitt Script
2. …….
3. Profit

Clausen and Connor set to Marry

Jimmy Clausen and Dan Connor are rumored to marry after the 2007 season is over. During their meeting this past Saturday, Connor made Jimmy his bitch to the point that the Penn State Linebacker proposed to Jimmy after the game. Jimmy who had tears of sadness after his defeat, accepted and those tears went to those of joy. We talked to both players telepathically and here’s what they have to say:

Clausen: “I don’t know what came over me. He would tackle me so hard, that it was bruising my ego. Then after a while, he just kept coming at me and I felt a bond with him that I never felt before. I’m glad Dan made me his bitch. I even wear his uniform around my apartment now as a reminder until the season is over.”

Connor: “Yeah, he’s my bitch. Never did I enjoy that game so much. If Paul didn’t go to the draft early, I probably would have married someone else. When I call Jimmy now, it’s not a prank call….it’s to say “how’s my bitch doing? I’m rooting for Jimmy to beat Michigan this weekend because we sure haven’t had much luck with that.”

Pirates Inquire About Auburn QB

The Pittsburgh Pirates have invited Auburn quarterback Brandon Cox to a tryout after football season is over. The scouts were impressed with Brandon’s arm strength and accuracy. One scout had this to say about Brandon:

“Well he’s throws left handed. Randy Johnson throws left handed. So did Jimmy Key and Randy Tomlin. John Smiley also threw left handed. He’s also young, but he does have issues with his accuracy. Then again our pitchers have had a lot more issues than that the past 15 years. We feel Brandon can succeed at baseball because it worked for J.R. House.”

Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville declined comment on the news.

Pitt’s Defense Use Strategic Games

While some people made fun of Penn State’s Jay Paterno for using Playstation with his quarterbacks, Paul Rhoads revealed a secret he’s been keeping to himself since 2003. Paul revealed that his team has also been using a video game to help read opposing team’s offenses and strategies. In a telepathic conversation, Paul had this to say:

“I’ve had our players using ‘Bill Walsh College Football 95’ to teach them how to read plays and to stop the opposition. We had our choice between the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. We went with the Sega due to the better game play. Super Nintendo just had good graphics. Believe it or not, Johnny Majors had this same idea back when he coached the second time around, but it was with the Turbografx 16”

After this, we hung up the phone.

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