State College (PA) - Joe Paterno, whose Penn State Nittany Lions are fresh off of a 2-0 start to the season and are now the indisputable champions of NCAA football, has gone nearly a year without having an "accident" on the field. He credits an outfit he wears when not in the public eye, an outfit he personally designed, and one he is now marketing exclusively to an audience of octogenarians who suffer from the same problem that he has so prominently in the past. "It was, hzzh, a no-brainer, hrrm," the genial coach buzzed to Panther Rants. "The suit responds to body temperature reactions and turns bright red whenever a, er, hrrm, hzzh, is near. I might start wearing it on the sideline."
When asked about the decision to make the outfit so revealing, Paterno sputtered in irritation and called the question "a typical reaction by anyone willing to question the work of a god," then immediately got redfaced and backtracked. The outfit itself also began to redden - and, based on Paterno's description, we knew what that meant. Before running off to the restroom, Paterno acquiesced to our pleas and posed for a picture of his new uniform:
Paterno, who is in outstanding shape and looks no older than 76, reiterated his desire to play Pitt, but only if they provide a diamond-encrusted working toilet on the sideline and agree to fourteen appearances at Happy Valley for every one appearance at Heinz Field. He also summarily dismissed questions that he demands his inncer circle of coaches refer to him as "JoePoo" at team meetings. Finally, he also denied that he's been contacted to replace Romeo Crennel as the head coach of the Cleveland Browns.
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.