Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Pantherrants Home Office - The Pitt Panthers are prepared to take on the University of Virginia Cavaliers Saturday night. Let's break down the game.
Pitt Offense vs. UVA Defense: Pitt will start it's 3rd quarterback of the season with Pat Bostick. Stalwart OT Jason Pinkston is out. He's the latest Pitt player to come down with the rare season-ending hangnail. Pitt players seem to go down faster than UVA QB, Christian Olsen, at a Duran Duran concert. The point is Pitt's OL stinks, the QB has never started, and the WR's have the dropsies like an old person's anus. UVA's defense is sorta good, sorta not good. They can't stop McCoy, but Matt Cavanaugh certainly can. Advantage: UVA.
UVA Offense vs. Pitt Defense: Pitt's defense has been decent this year. However, they can't force a turnover to save their lives. Brick-hands abound in the secondary and the LB's have no use for trying to knock the ball loose. UVA's offense gained a staggering 3 points against Wyoming. Advantage: push.
Mascots: Pitt has the panthers. A panther is a fearsome predator that is happy to rip out your guts and show them to you as it eats your face. I don't know what a Cavalier is. It looks and sounds totally gay, just like Christian Olsen. If it walks like a duck... Advantage: Pitt.
History: Pitt owns a 3-1 advantage. By our calculation, that means if these 2 teams play 100 times, Pitt would win like 95 times or something like that. Also, Pitt has won 9 national championships and had 10,000 all-americans, despite 2-time team MVP Dan Stephens getting screwed out of that status back in 2003 and 2004. UVA's history consists of 2 co-conference championships ever. They hired some slap from the NFL as their head coach and have been basically mediocre for as long as we can remember. Essentially, they're Pitt just further south, only withouth the good teams in the 30's. However, we've got Ditka, Dorsett, Marino, May, Curtis Martin, Sadiq Durham, and John Ryan. They've got Herman Moore. Advantage: Pitt.
X-Factor: Pitt likes playing at night. They win almost half the time at night, on the road, on the east coast, south of the mason-dixon line, in September, on national tv, with slightly warmer than average temperature, in odd numbered years, while the starting quarterback's girlfriend is menstruating. Conversely, UVA's starting quarterback himself is menstruating and lactating at the same time. It's a medical first, which Professor Trelawney insists is a dark omen. Advantage: Pitt.
Conclusion: This will be a game in which the teams will both try to win the game. As crazy as this sounds, it doesn't really happen that much with Pitt or UVA. Therefore, the winner will be who whoever wants it less. Al Grohe is a dumbass and we can't imagine him going to 4-1. Strike that - the ACC sucks and no team is going 4-1, even against Pitt. The lord God almighty will rain his glory down upon the mighty Panthers and guide them to a 24-16 victory. Lesean McCoy will rush for over 200 yards for the first time. UVA pompous dickwads will sip champagne and for some reason act as if wearing a tie to a football game makes them look cool. JCREW will be on-hand making sales off all the dumbasses they can find.