Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Paterno extends olive branch

Pittsburgh (PA) Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno today made and offer that literally thousands of Nittany Lion fans were clammoring for: An offer to renew the Penn State - Pitt rivalry on the gridiron. The only minor point that a few Pitt fans may take issue with is that Paterno suggested 6 home games out of 10 for the Creamery Workers. Paterno made this bold proposal after arriving at a luncheon to commemorate the 6th anniversary of 9/11. Paterno arrived (45 minutes late) in his sparkling Fleetwood (pictured right) and stepped to the podium in his finest moe-hair sweater. Unfortunately, his attire was not a sweater, but a profoundly hairy back (below).

Paterno spent 2 hours extolling the virtues of President Jimmy Carter and his leadership during this difficult time in our nation's history. "I remember the Maine, I remember Pearl Harbor, and nothing has been as difficult as getting over this hostage crisis" the legendary coach said. Paterno continued "This has hit me expecially hard, as the gas rationing has really limited my abiltiy to cruise in my new Cadillac". Given coach Paterno's penchant for viciously attacking reporters who ask questions he deems "logical" or "insightful", the press gave him freedom to speak at length about issued that happened a quarter century ago, and the newness of his jalopy. Then, in a moment of mostly foggy clairty, the coach, after spending 15 minutes bashing the University of Pittsburgh for not accepting his all Eastern Paterno Autocracy Conference, said "Sure, I'd gladly play Pitt, as long as we can figure out a way to get 10 home games a year. 6 games at our place sounds fair, dontcha think". Paterno then excused himself and said he had to get to Bowser Pontiac to pick up his new AMC Ambassador.


Anonymous said...

Nice Caddy

Anonymous said...

Aw, he just figures 6 games in State College would be one less opportunity to wind up the urine-drinking patsy in a game of "Mystery Pitcher" at Mitchells.