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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Elephant Man to sue Charlie Weis over moniker mishap

South Bend – In a move sure to surprise dozens, the infamous Elephant Man of Elephant Man fame is reaching from beyond the grave to sue resident Notre Dame head coach and noted Wendy’s classic triple cheeseburger lover, Charlie Weis, over the use of what the Elephant Man believes is a description that should belong solely to him. “It’s hideously cruel that Charlie Weis is known as an elephant,” lamented the misshapen ghoul to Panther Rants through a medium. “I was the Elephant Man, and people identified me immediately when those words were spoken…but now , when people hear ‘Elephant Man,’ they immediately think of Charlie Weis.”

Weis, whose football team is so horrendously bad that Ku Klux Klan Irish Lion Fans (KKKILF), a Notre Dame/Penn State tailgating group, is petitioning the university to do whatever it can to reinstall Ty Willingham. “We’s wants hims back heres,” the leader of the group, Adolf von Billy Ray Joseph Mussolitler III, told Panther Rants through a Dixie translator. “We’s don’ care ifs he’s from Japania or even Boston, we’s just want our school to haves some digtitty back!”

Weis himself was unavailable for comment. We assume that he was at a triple cheeseburger buffet.

The Elephant Man, for his part, is seeking a $40 million dollar compensation for the perceived hit to his image. “There are plenty of nicknames out there for men of Charlie Weis’ girth!” crowed the deformed one. “For instance, Charles in Lard! Or what about Blimpo, the human blimp? With the Elephant Man referring to Mr. Weis, I lose royalties! The women in the afterlife now scorn me! Before, I was the freakiest freak in all the land! But now even Marilyn Monroe thinks she’s too good for me, and she boffed three Kennedys – John, Bobby, and Lorenzo, their delinquent Protestant brother! Without my sobriquet as the Elephant Man, I’m just another random heavenly mutant! People keep mistaking me for a Chernobyl baby! It’s inexcusable! Even calling that man Jabba the Coach, over-obvious as it is, is surely preferable to besmirching my good name!”

Panther Rants attempted to reach Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine, but our calls were ignored; most likely because neither Jabba the Hutt nor Tatooine actually exist.

Stay tuned to Panther Rants for updates on the Elephant Man’s (Elephant Man) lawsuit of the Elephant Man (Charlie Weis).

1 comment:

vito said...

guys, love it, weis is a fat ass, who couldn't laid with a fist full of fifties.