Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Pitt offense to unveil new strategy vs. Grambling!

In a move meant to surprise Grambling's uber-athletes, Pitt offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh has revealed to Panther Rants in an exclusive sub-river telegraph line interview of his newly designed offense, meant to aid the transition of young quarterbacks Pat Bostick and Kevan Smith into their new role as starting quarterbacks.

"What we're trying to do," states Cavanaugh, "is take the pressure off the young guys. It's not easy being a starting quarterback in this league. First, you have to be at practice. Then, you have to get used to touching (starting center, for now) Chris Vangas on the inside of his thighs. Then, you have to master snapping and throwing and avoiding the rush - not to mention, avoid the offensive linemen, who seem to like being in the backfield a lot. Well, I've come up with something that's going to change everything." When prompted to describe more of this new offensive scheme, Cavanaugh was eager to appease the interviewer.

"Well, to take the pressure off of Pat and Kevan, we're just going to do quarterback draws. All game long. In fact, not only are they going to play quarterback, they're going to start at center, too. That way, they can snap the ball to themselves and just run. No need to worry about the offensive line. This is revolutionary, really. Nobody's ever tried it before. Nothing like this has been done in football since the forward pass. I mean, why try to tire your team out when you can just thrust your quarterback forward? I expect this strategy to yield us 3 yards nearly half the time. When I was in Baltimore, if we got 3 yards gain on any play, I considered it a huge success. My offense there was designed for one, maybe two-yard gains at the most. This new offense at Pitt," he said, pride clearly evident in his voice, "will shock the world. We rush our quarterbacks, every play, and the rest of our guys will still be really fresh. No energy expended means energy gained. And that means we can win."

Cavanaugh then broke off the interview, claiming that he needed to focus on concocting a gameplan involving nothing but taking knees.

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